This is the key difference between you and the OP. She’s not platonic friends with the guy who is ditching her as a friend, and there’s a continuing undercurrent of proprietary sexual interest there.
And for the record, I totally agree with you here. I have male friends who are for life, and any guy who can’t deal with that will find himself SOL. I don’t think this is just an issue of a guy not being able to be friends with a woman after he starts dating someone. I could be wrong, but the OP prominently discusses her sexual history with the guy and implies that it’s only on pause because he’s in a relationship, theoretically.
There’s a difference, sure, especially if the ‘only reason’ that it’s platonic now is that he has a girlfriend.
This guy that I know, ‘platonic friends’ seems to be such an understatement, and yet it’s the best way to say that it’s not at all a sexual type of relationship. We’re not related, there’s no blood there, but we’re family, and that won’t change.
In a situation like the OP’s, I bet the guy is distancing himself because he doesn’t want his old sexual interest to fuck up his new one.
I admit I could as well. I was assuming that because I’ve personally never seen anyone who’s not at least knowledgeable about D/S relationships to use the exact term “Dom” except in that sense.
Let’s be honest. we’re not talking about “friends,” we’re talking about fuck buddies. I can’t see anything especially objectional about not wanting a new SO to continue hanging out with past sexual partners.
My best friend from high school happens to be the very first girl I ever had sex with.* One of my other very very close friends happens to be the second girl I ever slept with.
Both of these women are welcome in my home, hell we have even invited them to go with us on vacation. My kids know them as their unoffical aunts.
I know a couple in Seattle that are very good friends of mine. They have me over to their house every time I travel to Seattle. My wife calls her, my Seattle wife.
All of these women call me at home to chat, or to ask for advice or whatever. My wife has no problem with this. Several times over the years, these women have gotten a new bf that did not want us talking. I would not hear from them much, then the bf would be gone, and we go back to talking.
If I became single, and got a gf that told me I could not see my friends, my response would be see ya.
Did I mention that I love my wife?
*When she got married, she asked me to give her away. Her husband is fine with me being around.
Wow. Lot of reaction to my poor little OP. Not all of which I’ve read (I will). But I just want to say I’m not here making comments on men. Just on a particular few I’ve encounterd. Not in general. I don’t make assumptions. I also don’t spell well, certainly not at 3 am.
I say again, my topic is simply that I’ve found certain perportaly brass balled men who went running when their girlfriends told them to. You can say I’m an unreliable narrator, but that’s what happened.
I just wanted them to stand up for me…“No, she’s not a slut who’s going to screw with a guy in a realtionship” as opposed to “Yes dear, I’ll stay away from that slut”
And all some of us are saying, is that the only way you know they went running “because their girlfriends told them to” is because that’s what they say. They are blaming their GFs for their own decisions to spend less time with you – and since these are grown men, it is their decision, not their GFs’. So if you’re pissed about a lack of testicles, mabye it should be because these guys lack the courage to take responsibility for their own action instead of claiming someone else is “making” them do it.
I think there are two completely different scenarios that are raised by this thread. One where a friend is ditched because the new girlfriend says so. And another where the ex/fuck buddy is ditched.
Personally, I can see why someone would be uncomfortable with their boyfriend hanging out with the ex. But when it’s just a friend I think it’s completely unacceptable. But personally, I can’t imagine telling a partner who they can hang out with either way. However a “I’d rather you didn’t…” is more acceptable.
When a friend got a new girlfriend I saw less or him, well practically nothing. But for the first few months I just shrugged it off as “new relationship syndrome.” However he started cancelling plans and eventually admitted the new girlfriend had told him to stop hanging out with me.
After more psycho behaviour from the GF I finally took the friend to one side and we had a chance to talk about it.
The new girlfriend soon became the new ex.
betenoir you have my sympathy. Losing a good friend sucks. Tell these guys how you feel.
Depends what you mean by ‘friend’. If you mean a person you spend exclusive time alone with, that’s one thing. If you mean someone you chat with from time to time but see rarely and never alone, that’s another.
Intimacy is built in friendships and intimacy is the foundation for love. How many thousand times have you heard or seen ‘I never meant to have an affair - it just happened’? People think they can just be friends with people of the opposite gender but we’re not built that way. If you confide in your ‘friend’, and if that person becomes the person you turn to when there are rough spots in your marriage, then the ‘friend’ becomes the source of comfort. And then you’re in love. Without intending to be - but who ever intends to fall in love?
That you have a partner does not make you immune to developing a close relationship with anyone else - and those relationships can graduate to love because it’s a natural progression.
So it makes perfect sense that people not maintain close friendships with people of the opposite gender once they’re in relationships.
The wise person who wants to affair-proof a relationship will avoid close friendships with people who aren’t the same gender as them. Now if the friendship is about having the occasional lunch (in daytime in public) and the odd chat which is an exchange of pleasantries but steers away from confidences, then it’s safe. Or, if the opposite-gender friend associates with BOTH partners, and is more an acquaintance than a friend of the opposite-gender partner, it’s also fine. But a true friendship is not.
I think the ‘burly’ pal of the OP simply wimped out and blamed the gf for his unwillingness to see the OP, and given the OP’s strong reaction as expressed here, I could see that he might be wary of telling her ‘I just really don’t care to hang with you anymore’ in person.
betenoir, why are you so angry? These guys were not ‘friends’. They were exes. If you met someone, went out, slept with, and then ceased going out, that’s an ex. And I’m guessing you’d not be too thrilled if your guy had an ex hanging around in his life. I think referring to these guys as ‘friends’ is disingenuous and that your reaction is disproportional to the situation. And whenever a reaction is disproportional, something is behind it. It’s not as though you were lifelong buds with these guys, after all.
One of my friends is a guy I dated, then lived with. We broke up but were such good friends that we got a two bedroom apartment and lived together platonically for another year after that. I set him up with his wife. Another close friend is a guy I also lived with and dated for 2 years. Now I hang out with his live-in girlfriend of 5 years and we are friends, too.
The difference is, I never would have said to any of them, “For god sake. If I wanted him, I’d have him you bitch. He’s my friend. Yeah he’s seen my tits, he’s not going to see them again, not when he’s with you.” Platonic friends don’t think in those terms. The sex issue is completely closed, no question whatsoever, regardless of if these men are in a relationship with someone else or not.
That’s how you make the transition from ex to friends. Part of it is cultivating, when you can, a respectful and friendly relationship with his SO. Works for me.
Even assuming that your analysis is 100% accurate, your complaint seems to be that this man is not as domineering as you thought he was. And I don’t think that’s a legitimate complaint. He’s his own person; he doesn’t have to be what you want him to be. Perhaps you would like him to say to his new girlfriend: “Listen bitch - I’m the man and I call the shots; I see who I want when I want”. But for whatever reason, he didn’t do that. It’s his choice to make.
Why don’t you take it as a compliment? The new girlfriend may have figured out that this guy still has feelings for you, and that you are desirable, and so she feels threatened. Maybe he decided to respect her feelings.
I can’t remember any relationship I’ve been in where I would have felt right saying, “Hey honey, I’m gonna go spend some time alone with my ex-girlfriend (or ex fuck-buddy)”. I really can’t say I’d blame anyone for being uncomfortable with that.
Perhaps this is where the disagreement is. In my experience, there’s a certain time of your life when you sleep with just about every woman you get close to. It happens once, and then you don’t wonder what would happen anymore. That doesn’t mean you should treat the individual as an ex afterwards. It’s just dumb to throw away friends like that.
That’s how I see it. It’s one thing if you dated the person a long time ago, and it’s been over for years, and you’ve been friends since then, but this sounds like it’s recent and ongoing. That’s a different story.
My view of opposite-sex friends is this…if it is truly a long-standing and deeply-held friendship, then the natural transition is to bring the new SO into the friendship. This is how one-on-one friends eventually become “couple” friends. One of my oldest and dearest friends is a guy. He got married, and I got to know his wife. I would probably never be as close with her as I am with him, but she likes me, I like her, and everything’s great. When I got married, they got to know my husband, and likewise, everything’s great. Truth be told, I hardly spend any time at all alone with the original friend, other than the very occasional lunch…he’s got a family, I’ve got a family, everyone’s busy, etc. But we e-mail & talk, and all involved know that my friendship with him is the key to the entire relationship between the two couples. Our relationship would always stand, regardless of our status as couples with someone else. The key is that there is no need for jealously on anyone’s part, because we are all buddies.
The thing is, in the OP’s case, it doesn’t sound like there really was anything more to the friendship than “going out a few times and having fun,” followed by a few casual emails.
That doesn’t sound like any kind of deep, abiding friendship to me, it sounds like sour grapes over a case of HJNTIY.
To the second sentence, yes, to the degree that I feel necessary in order to make the woman feel like she was not being handed the music sheet for the second fiddle part. This might be all available time if the woman is not perfectly ironclad secure of herself, like the women posting here are. Also, in this day and age women occasionally put the shoes on and go do things by themselves, leaving free time available for hanging out with other people regardless.
Clearly, if the woman is okay with it, I’ll feel free to spend time with the friends. Additionally, if I can bring the friend in while the wife is there and let them get to know each other, that works too.
As for your first sentence, your logic is simply perfect, especially since you managed to omit where I said “If I didn’t prefer one over the other, they’d both be just friends.” Friends don’t entirely eclipse one another; I simply arrange to spend time with each as I (and they) feel like it. I’m still allocating time based on preference, just with different results; I’m sure you do the same thing.
(-Unless by “male friend” you meant ‘homosexual lover’, in which case my response is 1) correct; if I’ve committed myself to a person, they win, and 2) never gonna happen; I don’t swing that way.)
Or that friend is family. Some of my closest family shares no blood with me.
What doesn’t make sense is dropping a friend who’s been your friend through thick and thin for years because someone you date doesn’t like it. Human beings come with strings attached. If the new SO can’t deal with the whole person, and that includes that they have friends the new SO wouldn’t choose for them, then that’s the new SOs problem.
I’ve seen this, along with referenced bible verses, printed with an anti-pornography screed in which satan arrives by videocassette. It’s patently ridiculous for a rational adult to act this way, no matter what M. Gary Neuman thinks.
His friends are his business. I don’t have to like them or approve of them. And if he’d rather be in a relationship with or sleeping with them, then he’s free to do so. I’m not about keeping someone in a cage.
My response to that has usually been ‘Have a nice time.’
If a guy that I was dating had a problem with my pre-existing friends purely because they are men, he’s out. History. I will not give up what has been around in the worst of times through all the miles for what might work in the future. It’s not fair to the people who have chosen to be my family.
If this ‘friend’ is such a good and faithful friend, then this friend will do what Sarahfeena’s friends do - become friends with both partners. Because if this ‘friend’ is such a good friend, she will accept and love her friend’s partner.
:rolleyes: It’s not ‘ridiculous’ at all. It’s plain old good sense. Again, it’s too easy to fall into an affair with a close friend. It doesn’t mean you have to drop the friend entirely, but you should either incorporate the friend into your circle and see the friend in company of your partner, or else turn the friendship back a few notches from close to more distant.
It’s not about ‘keeping someone in a cage’. It’s about doing things which don’t have the potential to harm the relationship. Meaning a choice. If your guy doesn’t want to feel ‘caged’ that’s his problem. I put it to you that this whole ‘being free’ drama is often related to ‘don’t really want to be responsible and settle down’. I was married. Nothing about it felt ‘caged’ because it was my choice. And I told him not to even think of marriage if he had any concept that marriage is a ‘cage’ or a ‘trap’. In my estimation, a good relationship contributes to you feeling freer than when you were single.
And have you gained these ‘pre-existing friends’ by sleeping with them all? Any concept of your partner being the most important individual in your life?
Meh. I don’t have any interest in being the friend of most of my male friends’ girlfriends. They tend to be girls, which in every case has meant that they don’t like doing the things I like to do, and I don’t like doing the things they like to do.
Accept them? Well, that depends on how they treat my friend. Be their buddy? Doubtful. Hang out with them without my friend present? Why?
Maybe my friend doesn’t want to be buddies with my boyfriend. I can’t fault someone for that. They pick their own friends and decide who they like hanging out with. I’ll tell ya tho, with that group of guys that I’m really close with, if one of them said to me ‘cat, this dude you’re seeing… he’s bad news. Watch your back.’ I’d trust my friend. They’ve never said anything bad about a guy I was seeing without a very good reason. Sometimes they see what I don’t, and they’ve never done me wrong.
Never. I would never in a million years tolerate being told ‘You can only see this friend if I am there.’ That just says the new boyfriend is too insecure for me to handle. It also says ‘There’s the door.’
I’m not turning back a time-tested friendship for what could be the flavor of the month.
Nothing says ‘harmful’ to me like ‘paranoid insecure ball and chain’!
I find that when you don’t try to shackle someone with rules about who they can and can’t be friends with, they don’t ask you to be free. If there is no fence, there’s no grass to be greener on the other side.
Glad to see that requiring your husband to have no female friends worked out for you.
So you laid the law down, your marriage failed, and you think you’re some kind of expert on what appropriate friends are?
Some became friends after sleeping with them, some were friends and then slept with, some have never been slept with, and some it would be weird to even think of sleeping with. They’re all a part of the package deal. I have my times that I go out with those friends and we crack our inside jokes and do our things and we discuss our current lives and boyfriends and girlfriends. I have no intention of giving that up, nor of anyone becoming ‘the most important individual’. Anyone who feels that they must be the center of my attention and always come first is too fucking self-centered for me.