Men abandoning old friendships when they find a partner or GF

As a guy, I have been experiencing this. I have, like many people, male friends. :eek:
And when some of my old good friends get in a relationship with a woman/girl, they start to meet less often with us/me. I feel as if they even do not want to see me/us.

We had a discussion about this amongst my friends, and some argued that the problem is that those with a partner cannot find enough time to spend with us. But I think they just want to spare our feelings. The caustic truth is, they regard our loneliness as a weakness, and people do not want to associate with those whom they regard as weak.

What do you think? Why would men abandon such old good friendship with a guy for a woman?

A matter of priorities. If I’m in a relationship, I want to spend more time with that person. That means less time with you.

As a recently married man I think you’re projecting.

So you think that these friends of yours, who have new relationships that they are excited about and building, have the same amount of free time as before, but are choosing to spend that time avoiding you and the group because they see single men as lonely and weak?

What makes you think unattached men are lonely? I mean, they have their buddies to hang out with. Horney, sure, but not lonely.

Missed the edit window…

People aren’t perfect and when big changes like a new relationship happen in someone’s life, there is a lot of reshuffling going on. It’s an exciting time and busy. Probably the reason why these friends of yours are being more distant in this situation is precisely because they are old, good friends and believe that the friendship will not be hurt by their actions.

However insensitive or not they might have been acting, if you really do have such history together, I’d advise that at this point you cut them some slack. Just like, I hope, they will cut you the same slack if they realize you suspected them of ditching the friendship because of some prejudice against single guys.

What an odd theory.

I’m sure it’s due to lack of free time.

How old are you? I remember around my 30’s that the bromances naturally started coming to an end. People got busy with work and relationship obligations, which left little time for hanging out.

I think that’s a very self-centered delusion. It’s not about you. A relationship takes an investment of a person’s time. Most people have less time for their friends when they are in a relationship due to simple math.

As others have said, it’s just a matter of time available. There are only so many hours in a day and people in a relationship are going to be spending a lot of them with their significant other. Time spent with friends drops as a consequence.

If it was just a matter of wanting to avoid lonely people, why would they have been hanging out with you before? Presumably you were just as alone then as you are now.

Seriously? Because you provide friendship. She provides friendship plus sex.

In my case, I see less of friends now than when single because I don’t go to the pub as much - as a (drunkard) British male this would be the normal hang-out. My absence is partly because I try to be a less filthy sot for my beloved, and part of the appeal of boozy nite-spots is possibly finding a woman, which is now moot.

And single friends do seem a little… weak, for want of a better word.

People abandon old friendships whenever they made a big life change; for example relatively few survive graduation from high school.

I’ve been married a long time, and I cherish my single friends. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have anyone to live vicariously through.

I’m sure it’s mostly because the partner gives sweet sweet lovin’

The old friends most likely don’t (otherwise…who needs the partner).

In all seriousness it’s because I want to spend more time with her than I do with anyone else, so I do just that. Also, talk to 90% of relationships and they will say their partner IS their best friend.

It happens with women, also. Frequently.

Personal experience speaking here: Really good friends, or at least I thought so. So I spend a shit ton of money being a dutiful bridesmaid, going here, going there, celebrating the big event. After the wedding, I’m dispensed with. The new bride says “Gosh, can’t talk now.” She can’t get together unless I’ve got a man to bring along, because the couple only does things with other couples now.

In two instances, divorce happened and suddenly, these women wanted to be friends again. You can imagine how that played out.

As a man who has been single for prolonged periods between relationships I can attest that it isn’t only men who recently got into a serious relationship with a woman who are at risk for losing friends. I have had many married friends who have been told to not see me anymore because they use me as an excuse when they stay out late. I’ve been called a few times late at night to cover for guys and agreed to do so only to see them get caught up in the web of lies they have created. The woman then tells them either cut me off or live on my couch; and I don’t let dudes live on my couch.

You think old friends (male of female) don’t have time for you when they’ve got a new love? Wait untill they have a kid. Then wait untill they have two kids. You’ll be lucky to get a Christmas card then.

If you want to keep these friends, you will have to cut them some slack. Probably for about two years, which is the average time it takes for the crazy-in-love homones to have gone down to a more calmer level of love that leaves room for other interests.

The prospect is actually better when your friends have a kid instead of a new love. After the first three months, your friend will likely be glad to have you in her/his life to reconnect to other parts of her/himself. But for short, infrequent times; more like one evening a month, and expect that evening to get cancelled about half the time, instead of the regular Fridaynight you’re used to.

If the friendship is really good, and based on talking, like many women friendships are, you can share with each other what is going on in your life. How a baby affects one of you, is no less of an interesting subject then how a job, a hobby, or a love-interest affects you.

But if you mosty did stuff together instead of talking, like most male friendships are, the friendship has little chance, I’m afraid. The best thing to do is to find new friends.

And don’t forget that when good friends have kids, and you don’t, you have a splendid opportunity to make a new and very interesting friend: the kid ! The parents will be grateful, it will allow you to see the parents as well as the kid, it will expand your horizon, and kids can be great fun.

Seconding that this happens to women too, it’s definitely not exclusive to men.

But I think the OP is doing a lot of projecting. I have never made the assumption that a single person is lonely. And if I did think a friend of mine was lonely, I’d try to spend more time with them, not less.


It’s time for the OP to find a partner. Any partner.

I’m thirding the projecting thing. Maverick, do you think your friendships are really just constructs where lonely men fill up the time untill a woman comes along? Do you feel that way about your current friends?

Or do you think that the total disappearance of such a friend indicates that he didn’t value your friendship really all that much?