When I met my current sweetie, a male buddy of mine complained that I stopped hanging out with him. I pointed out that when we did hang out together we were usually trying to pick up women, and I was no longer interested in that. (I could have also pointed out that he was married and technically shouldn’t be doing it either, but I didn’t.)
When I was single and renting I had all the free time in the world. So I spent a lot of it with friends.
Fast forward to being married, own a house, have a kid and suddenly your free time goes to zero. You work 8-5 Monday thru Friday and have to squeeze raising a kid, spending time with a spouse, and maintaining a house on nights and weekends.
I still get out with my friends once in a while but it’s not like it used to be,
This. One of the worst things about being married is the amount of time I am expected to spend with other married people (or worse yet, married people with kids.) I didn’t get boring when I got married (or rather, I didn’t get any more boring) but for most people it seems to be a sort of living death.
I find it interesting that you talk about spending time with your other single friends, but you also describe yourself as “lonely.”
Regarding all of the contentiousness about the observation of the o.p., the Dude Swallowed Into The Event Horizon of a New Relationship (DSITEHNR or “dee-site-hO-ner”) is a well established physical principle complete with a mathematical framework to quantify the time, intensity, and stress of the topology of a relationship manifold in tensor form. I believe John Wheeler worked it out after Kip Throne and Charles Misner disappeared into relationship domains following the initial publication of Gravitation. Like gravitational black holes, the singularity of a relationship will lose energy via various radiation processes and will eventually decay given enough time dependent on the collective level of a quantity he referred to as pseudo-real subnormal local rationality or as he spoke of it to close associates, “Bitch Crazy”.
Unfortunately, Dr. Wheeler’s thesis has never seen wide publication outside of theoretical physics circles where it is hotly contested by quantum relationship theorists who insist that the continuous manifold approach is merely a mathematical convenience and that there are some more exotic and discrete mechanics below the level of direct observation involving non-local hidden variables, causal connections, stochastic evolution, consistent histories, or grand Bohmian-like schemes which suggest that all relationships are fundamentally interconnected through the implicate and explicate order of something or another. They argue that such a more comprehensive “Theory of Everyone” will also explain otherwise irrational and apparently random behavior of women in relationships and allow for predictions of the “meaning” of words (or lack of words) using a universal paradigm to discern multi-valued semantics of common states in a holistic context. However, many theorists believe that such a solution, while potentially viable, will for all practical measurements remain forever beyond the veil of cognitive decoherence, and so we may all as well give up and go watch cricket, which is equally incomprehensible but offers the opportunity to drink beer and yell.
I had a point when I began all this but it has since collapsed like the waveform of Schrödinger’s cat once you look in the box.
Single people are lonely. Married people are boring. Jeez, the things you learn reading the dope.
I was never really lonely when I was single. But empirical evidence will bear out my boringness observation.
For what it’s worth, this happens at every level of the food chain. When you are single and your friend gets in a serious relationship, you suddenly don’t matter. Well, I am married and hang out with other married couples…until they have kids. Then suddenly the ones with kids break off into their own little worlds and only hang out with other couples that have kids and want nothing to do with you…
Well, we all know that’s not true. Single people love to party. It’s vegans who are boring.
Bro’s before Ho’s.
C’mon! Everybody knows that!
I had some friends who would completely change their entire group of friends depending on their current relationship. This was mostly in late teens/early 20s, though.
I was never like this, as I’ve never become friends with any of my GF’s or wives’ friends.
I think this is probably the biggest thing, especially if your hangouts weren’t couple friendly.
See these lyrics: “Wedding Bells Are Breaking Up That Old Gang of Mine”
So, how did you handle balancing time with your friends vs your significant other the last time that you were in a relationship?
Did your always bring your date to hang out with your group of friends? Did you never go hang out with your date’s group of friends (because that would necessarily mean that you were spending less time with your own social circle)? How much time did you spend alone with your date?
Dude, seriously, you were right the first time. Stop overanalyzing it.
I don’t see what’s so hard, or even debatable, here. A person in a new romantic relationship is dedicating a lot of their spare time to it and so they have less spare time to invest in you. Where’s the mystery here?
Or, to put it more bluntly; your buddy’s getting laid, dude, and you aren’t as good in the sack as his woman. Girlfriends are more fun than ordinary friends.
My old etiquette book told me that when a man gets married, all old relationships are broken. The new couple may send a note if the couple wish to continue to be friends with one of his old friends.
I doubt it’s because they don’t want anything to do with you. As a father of a small boy and a baby, I’d guess they’re hanging around with other parents because other parents are more tolerant of the annoyances that come from having kids, especially if you’re bringing said rugrats with you. Other parents aren’t going to freak out if your kid has a meltdown or starts alternating eating boogers and chicken tenders. Or if you’re 15 minutes late because your kid threw a fit because he couldn’t come to dinner dressed as Spiderman because the costume’s in the wash.
Kids are a massive time and energy sink, and at least as far as I’m concerned, I don’t really want to impose that on my friends, and nor do I want to abandon my wife to it by herself while I go out. So it means you go out with other couples with kids because they get it and are more tolerant., and because you don’t need a babysitter with them.
What does your new etiquette book say?
Whole post is spot on. Plus, as a parent it pays to invest in other parent couples because you might alternate babysitting with them.
Right up until you grow up and decide the woman you’re with isn’t a ho.