Men abandoning old friendships when they find a partner or GF

Interesting. How old is this old etiquette book, out of curiosity?

Also : does it apply only to his friends, or also to her friends?

In all fairness, you might want to ask your childless friends first.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept that being alone means you’re weak. How does it make you weak? I tell you what makes you weak: settling for any relationship at all just to be seen to be in one. There’s a portal straight to hell for you. Being alone doesn’t make you lonely. All I have to do is look around and see half a dozen examples of shit up with which I will not put to make me quite happy in my single state. I’ve been single for more than 20 years with a few blips here and there. I don’t see how that’s weak at all. When you’re alone you do ALL the chores: cooking, cleaning, minor repairs, taking out the garbage, dealing with a backed up toilet, deciding whether the car can be repaired or it’s time to start over, income taxes, retirement and vacation decisions: all yours. No other person is really vested in these decisions. That can be good or bad, but it certainly isn’t weak.

I do; there’s one of my male friends who’s a sort of surrogate uncle, since my brother and brother-in-law don’t live in town. He likes coming over and playing with my son(s).

But most of our friends are either perpetually single, or couples who are childless by choice, and they tend toward the last-minute planning- at 5:30 pm we’ll get texts like “Hey- who wants to meet tonight for sushi and afterward drinks? Meet at 8:30 at Bluefish, and then on to the bar!”

Can’t really pull that off as parents of two small children who eat and go to bed between 6:30-7:30. It’s more like “Let’s meet on the 23rd at 6:30 for sushi, and then drinks until 10- our babysitter is expensive!”

I feel like the OP has abandoned this thread.

He’s probably found a girlfriend and no longer cares about any of us. :mad:

Have you tried getting your friends together to go back to your home town and redo that pub crawl you never finished?

It’s not like they are “abandoning” you. When a person has a major life change - new girlfriend, marriage, kid, move, job change, whatever - the dynamic of their existing relationships change. Now maybe a lucky few managed to stay friends with their childhood chums and they all go through life together, Entourage style. But that’s pretty rare.

People in relationships tend to lean away from hanging out with single people because a big part of single people’s social activities involve finding relationships of their own (or just hooking up). A married / relationship guy doesn’t want to be a single dude’s wingman and a single dude doesn’t want to waste time shooting the shit with his married pals when he could be out trolling for ass.

I know of a few cases where the new girlfriend has put subtle pressure on the gentleman in question to spend less time with his bachelor associates.

Presumably this is partly due to fear, real or imagined, that he will go out and drunkenly flirt with other ladies.

I am married, but did not have many friends to start off with, so it didn’t really affect me. (A victory of sorts…)

That’s the cool thing about being a geek. Married, single who gives a damn - there’s a new edition of D&D out!

I knew there was a reason I loved you, Alessan… do you think your wife will mind? It’s totally a long distance, no strings attached thing.

Most of the relationships I know which have held through big life changes involve a shared hobby of the kind that can be had at any age and stage: board games, music, a book club. If all that’s holding a certain group together is being from the same place, the same age, the same gender and equally hungry to get some, well, of course as soon as someone starts getting any on a regular basis the relationship changes!

Right, so finding a relationship is pretty much out of the question anyway.

It’s the same dynamic regardless if you spend your spare time with your friends drinking, racing cars, playing D&D or going to comic book conventions. Even assuming your girlfriend/wife is interested in those things with you. She is not going to want to always do those things with your entire entourage. She is going to want to do certain things with just the two of you (as she should, and you should want to as well, otherwise what’s the point?).

Not to mention that depending on what age you are, women tend to be thinking about settling down and starting a family. Men do too, but they tend to think of it as something they do on the side that doesn’t affect their drinking with the boys, D&D nights, golf sundays or whatever. So what happens is the woman is all like “why is this idiot still playing Xbox with his college pals instead of getting serious about moving in together?”

Wait until they have kids, then you won’t exist all. :slight_smile:

Can I tell you a personal story?

I have two very good friends. Back in high school, we’d spend just about every afternoon together (even though we wen’t to different schools). Even afterward we met whenever we could.

I’ve been married for 16 years, and have a 9-year-old son. One of my friends is in a long-term relationship with 3 kids, and the other is single and living the geek lifestyle to the hilt. About four or five years ago - after noticing we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months - we made a decision that every other week, usually on Wednesday, we’d get together and hang out. So every two weeks, I take a train to our home town, we go to a restaurant, and then head out to the single guy’s office to talk, hang and maybe play something. We can’t always keep our schedules - work gets in the way, and my friend with the kids just had a daughter a couple of weeks ago, so we won’t be seeing him for a while - but all and all, it’s been a pretty successful experiment. We can’t exactly pretend we’re back in high school (for one, we have money), but it comes pretty close at times.

As for how the women in our lives deal with it… well, the single guy hasn’t been in a long enough relationship for a long time, and my other friend’s CO hasn’t made any objections that I know of. As for my wife, she loves the arrangement. For one, she likes to have the apartment to herself once in a while, at least after the kid goes to sleep. For another, she wants me to be happy. She likes and trusts my friends and knows that we won’t do anything stupid, and fully supports my efforts in keeping the gang together. The only complaint she has is that she doesn’t see my friends often enough - she feels that she has to work on the single one, get him to settle down, and that me and my other friend are just encouraging his lifestyle.

That’s pretty awesome.

Second hand book in the late 70’s. Best guess would be from the 50’s or 60’s – which would make it looking back even earlier.

I remember it being only about his friends, but at the time I wasn’t looking for justification for my own opinions, so I wouldn’t have paid any attention to advice for her.

This may be the best post I’ve read on this Board ever.

What’s wrong with his lifestyle? IMO it should be encouraged.:smiley:

Actually, me and a bunch of old friends used to play D&D online with each other via one of those software packages that facilitates it. Can’t remember the name though.

We used Skype for chat, and the program to do the dice rolls, show maps, photos, etc…

It wasn’t quite like doing it in person, but compared to the alternative of not doing it at all, it was great fun, and something we could do after the kids were in bed, and when we were scattered across the country.

Why? What if my feelings get hurt? :frowning:

Well, that’s one way to look at it.

My perspective.

Perhaps, I wasn’t clear enough. Lonely in the sense of “no relationship”.

What an odd choice of words. :slight_smile:

Perhaps, we should approach from a different angle: it is you who is projecting when you say that I am projecting?

Well, that’s one way to look at it.

I would call it a perspective.

I am not talking about the amount of free time that they have. I am rather talking about their changing behavior/approach towards me and my/our group.

So, friendship is more important than sex?

No, we are not. You’re projecting because people in relationships don’t generally have the thoughts you are ascribing to them. The world doesn’t revolve around you or owe you friendship.

Perhaps, you think that you are not because it hurts your ego to not accept that you are. :slight_smile:

How do you know that they do not have such thoughts?