I even had the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes ending explained to me once upon a time that left me vaguely satisfied. I forget it now.
But Jesus Christ, let’s talk Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. So…all this time these inbreeding cannibalistic psychos were being bankrolled by ominous millionaires who travel about in stretched limos and pass on instructions for evil for WHAT purpose again?
What. The. Fuck.
I defy you to top this movie for its total What The Fuckupedness.
Going into it, you know it’s not your typical zombie movie. There is a distinct lack of brain-eating, and the zombies are kind of nice. Sad, not too smart any more, but they’re not bad in any way. You feel bad for them because the world has moved on without them.
For no reason whatsoever in the final few minutes of the film the zombies start blowing shit up all over town. There’s NO build up to this plot point, and what’s odder is there’s absolutely nothing in the movie that would suggest a motive for their sudden urge to use explosives. They don’t seem to have a destination in mind, so it’s hard to even rationalize their acts of vandalism as being a distraction or something of that nature. Eventually every single zombie is, uh, deactivated, and reburied.
Of course, you never discover why or how they returned, either.
The movie itself was very slow moving but the premise was still interesting enough to keep me from turning the movie off. Then, just as it starts to speed up and get really good, it ends. No explaination for who is sending the dangerous frequencies or why. No explaination about why only the few targeted people were targeted. No nothing. It really pissed me off.
Apparently, the Evil Chimp Dude found Marky Mark’s spaceship-moped thing in the swamp, took a break from chasing Marky Mark and Monkey Bohnam Carter to fly back in time to Earth, conquer it in the name of the chimps, and then fly back to Ape Planet to continue chasing Marky Mark and Monkey Bonham Carter.
But I think that was explained only in the DVD special features, and in no way mitigates its WTFness.
The Matador . This was a movie that I had low expectations coming in to, but it was actually pretty good. The WTF-ness comes in when it ends at a point where it feels like the movie should just be beginning. What I mean is, you are finally getting to a point where the characters are changing - and it stops. It feels like there is a scene missing at the end.
The latter. Specifically, they seem to have torn down Abe and put up a monument to Evil Chimp Dude as the conquering hero in its place. IIRC the wording behind Abe was different, which was supposed to explain it all, or something.
2001: A Space Odyssey. A psychedelic lightshow begets a giant fetus. Huh?
(Note: I saw it in theaters the first week it was released. Years later, I realized it was just Kubrick punting to get the movie over with – he had no idea, either, and probably figured that anything specific wouldn’t live up to the buildup)
Actually, I never had a problem with that the first time I saw it (on VHS) when I was 14ish. I just sort of figured the guy entered the monolith and the light show just represented that it was “beyond the grasp of human comprehension”. And I figured the fetus was something to indicate he was going to be starting a whole new level of existence.
Kind of like in Pulp Ficiton you never see what’s glowing in the briefcase, but by the glow and eveyone’s reaction it’s clear that it is “more valuable than anything you can imagine”.
That would make his visit in the early 20th century. So one intelligent ape (did he know how to read the star charts and twirl the dials so that he didn’t end up in orbit around say Aldebaran 100,000 years ago?) comes to earth and singlehandedly conquers it? I don’t care what kind of ray gun he had it ain’t going to happen. 1,000/2,000 years ago, or even earlier, and maybe you could make the argument that he visits, teaches the local apes to speak and use weapons in some quiet corner of Africa, then comes out into human civilization and starts wreaking havoc with his ape army. Maybe. But early 20th century? Nuh Huh.