Bizarre Love Triangle (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I work for a company who locally employes about 60 people. I’ve had this job for a little over a year now, and have been looking for another one, but because of the income, it’s been difficult. When I first began working here, a co-worker (who is lesbian and very out, and has a family) made it clear that she was interested in me. I made it just as clear that I was straight and wasn’t interested in anything other than friendship. She kept hitting on me, and I kept deterring her as nicely as I could, and eventually not so nicely. It became really bad about 10 months ago when her partner had an affair.

I should note that she’s on her second family, Her first family was a marriage to an abusive husband, with whom she had four kids. The second she now has two kids with her partner (artificial insemination–a story I’ve been subjected to MANY times, with details) and two adopted.

She’s asked me for sex, proposed oral sex in the office, asked me if I’m wearing a bra, told me she wants a kiss–and this is all in the past three months, and all while in the office. When I first began working here, she and I went to lunch about once a week, but we don’t even do that anymore because I don’t trust her not to put me (or herself) into a situation where she’ll be “encouraged”–although I’ve NEVER done anything which could be interpreted as coming on to her.

While all this is going on, she hired a male new employee. (She and I are on equal playing fields in the company, but with very different jobs. We have the same boss, but she’s actually a supervisor of other employees, while I’m not.) For the first few months, she went on and on about how wonderful this new employee was–how smart he was, how talented, how he did such a good job.

Fast forward six months. New Employee has a new position (and new supervisor–not me–although he still works in the same office) and New Employee and I begin to date. Things are getting somewhat serious between myself and New Employee. All of the sudden, he becomes Horrible Employee, who is stupid, can’t do anything right, etc, and she bad mouths him to me every chance she gets. She treats him like shit, although it’s nothing directly he can report–more like attitude. She’s now badmouthing him to Management, although it’s nothing directly slanderous, and nothing which will overtly make HER look bad. I’ve recently found out that when New Employee began working for the company, she would have talks with him, in which she would encourage him to “explore his gay side” and attempted many times to convince him that he was gay (he’s not). She’s apparently also done this to another employee (a friend of New Employee’s) who IS gay (and open), but quit because she continually harrassed him about his sexuality.

Our company has an Ethics Hotline, which technically I could call and report this whole mess. However, I don’t want to be branded as a Troublemaker–and I can’t afford to loose my job–and neither does New Employee. Technically, New Employee and I haven’t committed any professional no-no’s. I’m not his supervisor, we don’t carry on at the office and we’re not open with our relationship at work. (Only a select few know about us, and she’s one of them.)

Has anyone else ever been in a situation as this, or can anyone offer any advice? Maybe something I haven’t considered? It’s getting fairly serious with New Employee and I, and there’s no way I want to break it off with him just because she is jealous and takes it out on him. (Even then, I doubt that it would stop.) I could really use another opinion here, since I’m very limited as to who I can talk to about this…

2

Wow, that is complicated!

I have never personally been in a situation like that, but I can tell you one thing for sure: both you and “new employee” have been sexually harassed by this woman.

You say at one point that she has said “nothing directly slanderous,” inferring that if she had you would act on it (talk to management, etc). Well, she already HAS done something that you could act on if you are so inclined.

3

How would you be treating this if she were a male? I’d hope you’d be screaming bloody murder, and you should not treat her any differently. Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, no matter the orientation and gender of the source.

4

If you had a computer that wouldn’t work properly, you wouldn’t be considered a trouble maker. Complaining about an unbearable situation doesn’t make you a trouble maker. It’s not as if she just takes too many coffee breaks, you know? You don’t have to sue. She’s done this to other people, and they might sue. It would behoove your company to know that this is going on. You don’t have to mention your relationship with New Employee. That isn’t really relevant to her requests to perform oral sex on you, or her driving that other employee to quit.

But CYA. Document times and places that these things have occurred. Save emails. Some bosses need to be hit in the face with the proof before they believe it.

Even in a worst case scenario, you want to leave this job. If you got branded a troublemaker, it wouldn’t follow you to your next job.

5

I was hit on super heavy by a friend’s lesbian sister (in front of her lover, no less) and it was sheer hell. She tried to kiss me every time her lover left the room. I was stuck there, so I had to put up with it. I finally had to get rude and tell her to knock it off. The lover was pissed off, but said it happened all the time whenever my friend’s sister got drunk.

I think you and the friend should go to HR together and make your statement. You don’t have to say anything about your relationship necessarily, but I think it would help your case if HR knew she was jealous. However, I don’t think you can prove it, so it may turn into a big round of she-said, she-said. Good luck. Man, that’s a drag.

6

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned…

7

Make the phone call - you’re bound to be doing someone a favor and, as stated previously, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT what happened when! There are moments when you need to be subtle, and then there are times to be subtle like a sledgehammer. Conciderinbg the bra and oral sex comments, you need to do the latter.

Good luck. Post when you get some sort of result.

Patty

8

Part of the problem is that I haven’t documented anything. I could tell what she said, and the meaning, but not exactally, nor the dates. I know she told me, “Gimme a kiss”, and asked if I was wearing a bra, and offered to crawl under my desk to give me oral sex around Christmas (shortly before), but not exact dates. She hasn’t been stupid enough to send emails, or say something in front of witnesses, so I’m afraid that it’ll become my word against hers–and I’ll get blacklisted because of it.

Also, I discovered that I’m not the only person (female) in the office she’s hit on–apparently she told another employee that when she was ready to leave her husband and “come to the other side”, that she’d be waiting for her. Another employee (who is gay and male) actually quit because she was harrassing him, wanting to know intimate details about his “discovery he was gay”. However, the chances of getting either of these people to back up what I’ve heard are near impossible. The one woman really needs her job (she has a sick husband and two kids) and the guy doesn’t want anything to do with the company (or anyone associated with it) anymore.

9

Darn, I thought this was going to be about New Order (they sung the song “Bizarre Love Triangle”).

10

You could document FROM NOW ON, if you’re willing to wait. Also, get together with the other harassees and be very explicit to her about what you want, but without any blame. As in “We are very uncomfortable with you trying to make us say we’re gay. I’m sure you don’t mean that, you’re a good friend, but it’s unacceptable in a workplace. Please stop.”

Then, if she continues, there’s no ambiguity or room for “I was joking…” etc and then you can say “Please stop. I don’t want to go to HR but if that’s the only way I can be not harassed at work, I will.”

11

I agree completely.

<whistle> Flag on the play.
First. Do Not threaten anything that you aren’t going to follow through with.
Second. Why give the Creep a heads-up? Knowledge is power and that Creep knows she’s out of line. Don’t give her a chance to complain first.

Third. Call HR. (Its their job, its what they do.) List prior stuff and that it makes you uncomfortable. That’s for you. New Employee? If it makes him uncomfortable, he should contact them separately. Get an email address of who is taking your report so you can email her updates when they happen in the future.

Fourth. (And I trying to help by saying this) Cool It with New Employee at the very least in the office … and altogether until this is reported to HR. After this is reported, then let HR know that you are both consensually dating, but that everything will be strictly professional during office hours.

Hopefully, this will diffuse this hostile work environment for you. Or at least protect you from any ‘escalation’. Still, I’d skip that ‘first anniversary is paper’ crap & jump right to Kevlar.

12

You need to first tell her to stop if and when she starts hitting on you again.Don’t threaten anything. You also need to document any future harrassments that happen if she refuses to stop.The first person to report it to is your supervisor to give him\her the opportunity to stop it. I don’t think that you can allow this to happen to you and others and I would think your employeer does not either. They are liable if they do not take action on a valid case.

13

I agree with quietman1920. Contact HR immediately, and tell them about your co-worker’s inappropriate behavior toward you. If you wait until a situation develops, you won’t have nearly as much credibility, especially if she contacts them first. Document any future incidents between you and co-worker, and tell her that her comments make you uncomfortable and you’d like her to stop. Don’t mention HR or make any threats.

Your boyfriend should also contact HR regarding the inappropriate comments about his sexuality, and the sudden negative attitude toward him. Neither of you should speculate to HR as to why she’s acting this way (i.e. jealousy about you guys dating), just alert them that she’s being inappropriate.

If you give HR the impression that you don’t want to cause trouble for the company, but just want an environment that lets you work as effectively as possible, you won’t look like a troublemaker. You’ll look like someone who is working within the system to solve your problems. More importantly, you’ll cover yourself if co-worker tries to cause further problems for either of you.

14

I’ll echo everyone else on this one - report it now. Sexual harassment is illegal (not to mention plain wrong), no matter what the sex of the people involved. Retaliation of any form, including firing, is also illegal; they legally cannot fire you or do anything against you for reporting this.