Bizarre self-destructive behavior. Why, why, WHY!?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I think I might need some Doper immoral support.

Why would I engage in behavior simply for self-destructive reasons? Is there a purpose to doing something that’s not even really enjoyable, just for the “joy” of wrecking your health?

I’ve been smoking. I just stepped away from my desk and went out to have a cigarette. I hate them. They stink, and now I stink. They make me cough, make me pretty high for a few minutes, and then make me shake. I’ve been smoking maybe 5 a day. I’m not even convinced that I’m addicted to them…I don’t believe I’ve smoked enough to have built up the receptors necessary. My body’s not screaming for nicotine, I’m not “used to them” (in the sense that they’re still making me high), and if I’m in a situation in which I can’t have them they don’t even cross my mind.

“So quit!” you say, in your sane, rational way. Yes, exactly what I am thinking. Why would a (moderately) intelligent, healthy woman knowingly do this.

But wait, it gets worse! Last night I ate ice cream until I threw up. I’m sure Dopers are sick of hearing about it…because it’s a big part of my life, I bring it up frequently. But I’ve had a gastric bypass. So too much sugar and/or fat can make me ill. I know this. The best way to avoid puking (and the diarrhea I now have) is, you know, not to eat stuff that makes me puke. It wasn’t even GOOD ice cream, just some cheap crappy vanilla stuff. I ate part of a muffin yesterday too. I love exercise and I haven’t done that for five weeks either.

Oh, and I drank coffee until I was shaking.

What is WRONG with me? This morning I suddenly realized that I feel TERRIBLE. I’m sluggish and completely lack the energy I usually have. I’m coughing, I have the aforementioned diarrhea from all the stimulants and crappy food in my body. And I want to mention again that none of this has been enjoyable. I do not LIKE standing outside in the bitter cold, sucking in cancer fumes, feeling dizzy for a few minutes, and then running to the bathroom to get sick.

I’m more of a “stop behaving badly and straighten up” person than a “get a therapist and talk about it for hours a week” person. But I am really starting to wonder why I would do this. Obviously, I had such a bad food problem at one point that I decided to risk my life to fix it, so self-destructive behavior isn’t new for me. I clearly need something to be obsessive over, so I think I need to be obsessive over taking CARE of myself. I’m sure you guys have some advice on how to do that. It would be a RELIEF to do so.

Should I staple a note to my forhead, indicating that I’m worthy of taking care of that only an idiot purposely makes themselves feel like complete shite?

2

Coffee and cigarettes? Yikes that’ll wire you up something fierce. Maybe you need to just get that stuff out of your system for good. So go to a hookah bar, get a melon hookah and a Turkish coffee. Normally after I do that I don’t even want to think about anything nicotine or caffeine related for a week.

3

Take a minute and see what else is going on in your life. Self destructive behavior like this is more likely a symptom of something else being wrong. I only do something that I know is bad for me when I’m extremely unhappy about something else. Find the root, and you can save yourself a lot of pain.

If you’re not particularly good at self reflection, maybe you should talk things over with a close friend or family member; Someone who knows what’s going on and can see how you’re reacting to things.

4

Well, smoking is fun and enjoyable. I smoked for 20-some years and then quit cold turkey. I don’t crave nicotene, but I still miss the little rituals of smoking. I kept my Zippo and play with it from time to time. The noises it makes and the smell still give me pleasure.
If you aren’t addicted to the nicotene, maybe you just need to find some new ritual to replace the smoking rituals.

5

This is the bizarre thing. My inclination is actually to think that maybe things are going TOO well for me so I’m just looking to create a problem. I’ve got a great job…I’m overpaid and underworked. I just picked up MORE work which I have plenty of time to do and for which I will be paid an exorbitant sum. I’ve got a happy relationship, no bills, a new doggie, great friends, some nice sock yarn…all this adds up to a happy Laura.

But you’re right. There must be SOME reason I’m acting like an imbecile on certain fronts. Maybe a little journaling is all I need to figure it out.

6

QUIT!

I can think of lots of good reasons to do so and not one good reason not. I do understand how hard it is though.

7

I’ll staple that note to my face. My other advantage is that I have tons of annoying, tedious hobbies that I can use as a replacement for what is OBVIOUSLY simply a nervous habit. I’m just concerned that my habits seem so senslessly self-destructive.

8

I once started a thread asking if there was really such a thing as an “addictive personality”, but it was too nebulous a concept to be answered conclusively. However, I think it’s a reality, and I see it in other people. If they aren’t able to stop one bad habit, it’s likely they’re unable to stop other bad habits, too.

9

I joke that it’s like squeezing a tube of toothpaste. I stop one thing, but pick up something else. For quite awhile I was able to pick up GOOD things…habitual obsessive exercise, careful calorie counts, etc. I refuse to be one of those perpetually addicted people.

10

OK, my take on this is going to be colored by the fact that I am an alcoholic in recovery, but you may find some value in this. Basically the best way that I can put this is that in my experience I am empty inside in some way and am always looking for something to throw in the hole. Alcohol and drugs did the trick for quite some time, until they stopped working in a terribly horrific way. Then it was cigarettes, coffee and food (which I am working on).

I am coming up on a year without a cigarette now. What worked for me was Chantix to help break the physical addiction, Welbutrin to treat the underlying Dopamine imbalance and the recognition that I am just going to feel empty and craving sometimes. I don’t know. I hope that is of some use. It also helps if you tackle one thing at a time. So figure out in which order these behaviors are killing you and tackle 'em in that order. Good luck!

11

If you had broken a bone and said, “I’m more of a ‘rub dirt in it and tough it out’ kind of person, not a ‘go get surgery so my bones can heal correctly’ type,” surely you’d think that was absurd.

If you could just change, you’d probably have done it already. But it is clear that you are dealing with multiple problems which are really affecting the quality of your life. My suggestion is that if you are not willing to seek outside assistance with these serious issues, then you are, in effect, saying that you’re really only willing to change to the limited extent that it is convenient for you to do so.

I would encourage you to, at a very minimum, seek out a stop smoking support group and another group to address the eating issues, but it sounds like some actual professional assistance could do harm at all.

12

why not simply see a therapist for a session or two? I am sure your doctor can recommend someone.

13

May I say this? You don’t need to know why, why, why–you just need to stop the behaviors. Insight can lead to change, but so can just plain change. And there are many people (myself included) who come to understand WHY they do something and continue to do it… Pick one bad thing to not do today–I’d start with the ice cream.

And then I’d quit the cigs. One thing at a time. Keep a journal of how you feel when you find you crave these bad choices. If nothing else, writing in the journal will delay you doing them (and may be enough of a distraction for you to not do them upon occasion).
Good luck.

14

Yes, this was what I meant when I mentioned that I’m hesitant to get into therapy over a behavior that I could stop in five minutes. I’m unsure of the value of it. Absolutely, I don’t think there’s anything shameful in seeing a therapist and I’ve done so in the past. I’m just not sure weeks and weeks in therapy are warranted due to the fact that I’ve been smoking off and on for 10 weeks and overate this week. If it IS necessary to do something more extreme or inconvenient in order to change, then I will (remember, I had my digestive system rearranged voluntarily to solve a problem). But I thought maybe getting some friends to kick me in the pants and hold my hand a bit would help for starters.

Then again, it’s true…maybe a couple of sessions to get back on track would do the trick. I’m determined not to have another cigarette today. This is only difficult because my husband smokes like a chimney. I’m fine at work though. It feels GOOD to take care of yourself and to not do destructive things. That’s why I can’t figure out why I WOULD do them.

Oh, and I ate a salad for lunch too. And it didn’t even have bacon on it!

15

I’d recommend a hypnotherapist. If you want to modify negative behaviors, hypnosis can help you. It’s relatively inexpensive (I paid 150 usd to quit smoking - that’s 3 cartons in smokers dollars). Get a reputable hypnotherapist, do a little research, ask around. Hypnosis can be very effective. I’m thinking about going back for weight reduction, I had such good results with smoking cessation.

16

Why might not really matter. Have you tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on retraining behaviors rather then analyzing them?

Might work for nipping this in the bud rapidly, and then if you still wonder why, you can pursue that at your leisure from a position of strength.

17

That sounds like a plan! I am familiar with CBT and I think it works great for some people and for me. I just tend to think of this as more of a cold than pneumonia, if you know what I mean. I find the smoking so disgusting that I think it should be “easy” for me to kick. I mean, easier than it is for people who have been smoking for longer or have more of an addiction to it. And the overeating can be managed just by “starting over” with the rules I usually use to stay healthy. I’m just as concerned that I ate ice cream until I puked as I am about the smoking.

18

Sounds like you don’t know how to handle stress-free times. Your brain and body may need an outlet and the self destructive behavior, which is normally channeled into a frenzy of work and deadlines, is missing.

How about some exercise to release the endorphins and then knit me something :slight_smile:

19

Exercise is a life-saver in these types of issues, isn’t it?

What would you like me to knit? I’m a wizard at it!

20

Do you suffer from seasonal affective disorder? That would explain the lack of exercise and maybe some of the other stuff.