Books on how to deal with 2 year olds

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, my step daughter is staying with us for a while. She has a ~two year old boy. There are issues right now that are making this less than pleasant.

A little back story.

My step daughter, we will call her Lisa, came out from South Carolina. She has been in a relationship with a guy. He is the father of their kid. He is a) already the father of a little girl who he sees some, but is obviously not in a relationship with the mother b) almost 30, has no skills and does some dubious things for money* and c) doesn’t want to be with Lisa anymore.

In the past couple months my wife and I ended up on the phone with them while they were fighting. Why? Beats the hell out of me, but it happened. My wife would be on the phone with Lisa while I would get the pleasure of speaking with Baby Daddy (from now on known as Idjit). Anyway, Idjit would go off on how Lisa didn’t do this and didn’t do that. He doesn’t listen to anyone, he just goes. I was literally screaming at him on the phone saying "Dude, shut up. Stop talking. SHUT THE FUCK UP!’ over and over again trying to get his attention. Needless to say, the wife and I told Lisa that those kinds of situations are unacceptable and to not involve us.

Anyway, Idjit isn’t going anywhere in life anytime soon. He works part time and sells questionable substances on the side for cash. He wants Lisa out of his life. He has told her this many, many times. I’ve heard him.

Lisa has low self esteem and, for some unknown reason, wants to be with Idjit even though he keeps telling her that he wants her out.

Which brings us to our present situation. We decided that, due to a lot of factors besides Idjit, having Lisa move out to where we live would be a good thing. First it would get her away from Idjit. Next, she has been living in po’dunk South Carolina and there really isn’t anything there for her to do long term. Also, she has a high school diploma (barely) and has worked very low level jobs and is 25. Where we are at, it is possible to get into a job and work your way up to a decent living without much school. Lisa says she wants to go to school but she has to be able to take care of herself and her child first.

Now the problem.

Her child, I’ll call him LilBit, is behaving rather badly. It is rather curious as well. First, when Lisa is with him he cries over everything, constantly(#1). When he is with my wife and Lisa is not around, he behaves much better most of the time. Second, he doesn’t listen at all to direction, especially around Lisa. Third, he bites. Yesterday my wife had him at the park and he drew blood on a little girl. He bit my wife and the other time my wife took him to the park he bit another kid. And last, he chases our pets even though we keep enforcing the ‘no touch’ rule. Today he jumped on one of the dogs (Chinese Cresteds, small dogs) and apparently hurt her.

We have two problems that I would like advice on. First, Lisa isn’t consistent with punishment/correction for LilBit. Sometimes he gets punished, sometimes not. Also, she spanks him and LilBit is at this point immune to it. He just wanders off. (I pointed this out to Lisa and she said “I just need to spank him harder”. I replied with “What are you gonna do, get a baseball bat? That’ll work.” I have pointed out, as nicely as possible, that LilBit really hates time outs and that since the spankings don’t do anything, the best thing to do is use time outs. She sorta agrees then goes on doing the same old thing. So, I need advice on how to get Lisa to see that what she is doing doesn’t work and realize that there are other more effective ways to work on LilBits behavior.

Next, I need to know which books would be good for Lisa. I want to get her some books on child rearing that emphasize techniques that actually work instead of the spanking that doesn’t nothing technique.

And last, if anyone has any advice on how to get Lisa to actually listen, it would be greatly appreciated. We have tried multiple approaches and she just shruggs it off.

Slee

#1. Lisa was trying to work on her resume. LilBit kept on jumping in her lap even though she shoo’ed him away and spanked him a couple times. Finally, I stepped in (which I would rather not do, by the way) and put him in time out. He wouldn’t stay and was screaming. So I got in the time out chair and held him gently while repeating over and over that he could get out when he calmed down. About 45 minutes later he finally stopped screaming. This kind of behaviour happens multiple times a day when he is around his Mom. When his Mom is not around, he is much calmer and the fits don’t last nearly as long.

2

LilBit knows he can get away with certain behaviors with his mother. And mom is inconsistent. I can’t begin to suggest how to deal with Lisa, but with LilBit, I’d recommend be consistent and explain “This is my house and these are the rules here…”

3

Oh, this is a sad situation. Especially for LilBit. As you suspect, a child as young as two will certainly behave (mostly - he’s two after all) when expectations are reasonable and the authority figures are consistent.

There is no book that will magically convince Mama to be a good parent. Lisa might have the best of intentions, but until she actually pays attention to what does/doesn’t work, and is consistent in her expectations, LilBit will continue his wayward behavior. A thousand books won’t make Lisa grow up and become an attentive and engaged parent.

It honestly sounds to me like you have two choices, neither ideal: Become parents to LilBit, because no one else is going to step up and help him grow into the person he has the potential to be; or cut him and Lisa loose, and let her make her own mistakes.

4

Look into parenting classes-- the kind designed for people who have come to the attention of CPS-- because she is headed there anyway.

5

You’ve had a lousy situation fall into your lap, and you’re doing a really nice thing by trying to create a good environment for LilBit.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is come to terms with what you can change and what you can’t. You can’t change Lisa’s behavior, and you can’t mke her do anything. Giving her parenting books is almost certainly going to hit the same brick wall that everything else you’ve tried has done. I get your frustration, but continuing to beat your head against this wall is futile and is just going to wring you out. All you can do is create a loving and consistent environment for both Lisa and LilBit when they’re around you.

You can change your own reactions. You’re angry right now at the situation you’re in; that’s entirely understandable. Respectfully, though, it will be better for you and those around you if you take more steps to recognize it and manage it. For instance, it didn’t just happen that you got on the phone with the guy and found yourself yelling; those were choices you made, and if you own those choices, then you can figure out what to do differently next time. It’s the same as with Lisa; you can’t change this guy, and yelling at him will only harm your own blood pressure. And a calmer you can help bring about a calmer LilBit.

The behavior you’re describing from LilBit is very typical for a two-year-old. Let him know with sad faces and ouchy sounds that biting someone or jumping on the dog hurts the other person and the dog. You may have to separate him from the dogs when he’s wound up.

On the other hand, don’t make it too big a deal, because then he might do it more to get more attention. The time-out tantrum sounds like it might have arisen from that impulse – by flipping out, he got Grandpa to hold him and talk to him for a long time, so he kept up the freakout as long he could manage. Thus it may be kind of self-defeating to tell him that he has to stay in timeout until he calms down, because timeout may actually be where he wants to be, if it means close-up time with you. I’m no expert, but my thought would be that at that age, the attention span is so short that the point of timeout will get lost after a few minutes anyway. Maybe let him out after a few minutes and try to redirect him into something other than the tantrum.

Keep in mind too that he’s had a lot of upheaval in his life. Does he have a steady day-to-day routine? Does he go to preschool at all? Routine is comforting for kids, and regular socialization around other kids is helpful. Do what you can to establish these elements in his life when he’s with you.

And it sounds like you’re doing the most important thing very well; letting him know that he’s loved. He wants to be with you, and he’s his best self around you.

One last suggestion: Think about how you really feel toward Lisa, and how she may perceive your feelings to her. You’re doing a really good thing for her by taking her in giving her an opportunity to get it together. But do you like her? If not, can you find things to like about her? Can you engage with her on topics other than the boyfriend, the child, or improving herself? You may not mean to come off negatively toward her, but if she sees you only as a scold, that will build up more distance between you, and possibly make her even less amenable to listening to you. It will be less stressful for all of you if you can find some space to enjoy each other’s company, or at least relax around one another.

Good luck; I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing, and I wish you the best.

6

There are no good options here for you. The core of this scenario is that your step-daughter is an incompetent adult on so many levels even the drug dealing, baby daddy rageaholic wants nothing to do with her. The issue with the two year old is frustrating, but can be controlled with sensible behavior feedback which you are providing. It’s going to be slow going, but you can correct his behavior over time assuming he does not have some organic mental dysfunction going on.

But frankly the issue with the kid is a side-note. Your idiot step-daughter is going to be an engine of chaos wherever she goes and assuming she not gotten her tubes tied the likelihood of her dropping more babies on you is high. If you can I think you should focus on getting her on some functional career path as a condition of staying with you. It’s probable you are going to be the de-facto parents of this two year old for a very long time so buckle in.

7

Get a couple seasons of one of those nanny/ child rearing trouble shows on dvd ?

8

What astro said. Get Lisa on long term birth control, like a mirena. Lasts 5 years .

9

I’m not a parent. However, an effective method that has been posted here before is putting a beloved stuffed animal into Time Out instead of the child.

I agree that you should either try to get custody of the child, or cut them loose. You can’t change your daughter.

10

Since you asked for a book

1-2-3 Magic

Made me a better parent, especially when my kids were young.

11

Maybe what you need is a book on how to deal with southerners.
But that’s the joke answer.

Instead of spanking you can try forcing the kid to sing a song with you.
Well, that’s a joke answer too, but misdirection and distraction are better then spanking and little kids are goofy enough that it just might work. Make your daughter sing too to punish her. It’s your house, your rules, your music.
Unintended consequences could be the kid develops a fear of song or won’t stop singing and goes into showbiz.

12

Lisa needs counseling ASAP, but I’m sure you already know that.

The question which needs to be determined is if Lisa’s problems with parenting are based on not having the right tools, in which books such as 1-2-3 Magic and Parenting With Love and Logic will help.

Or is it more of a fundamental nature in which she’s not “getting” that being a parent requires understanding how children operate and that she needs to find tools which will work for her and her particular child. In that case, she probably needs more than just a book or two. I wonder if parenting classes would help.

My wife is a great mother, but she doesn’t “get” a lot of what makes kids tick and the kids don’t obey her as much. We talk, but it’s just not how she is. Fortunately, the kids don’t get out of control, but it is frustrating for me at times.

One of my friends is a mother and her husband is similar to my wife. He complains that the kids won’t listen to him.

Since your step-daughter is a single mother, it’s more urgent that this gets resolved.

13

I don’t have any books to offer, but if LilBit is actually only 2, I don’t think punishment is likely to be an effective behavior-changer, long-term. For danger-avoidance, it can help develop an automatic aversion (fire = bad), but for behavior like that, a 2-year-old doesn’t really understand what he’s done wrong. You don’t want to punish a 2-year-old for jumping on Mommy, he’ll develop a sense that Mommy = bad. I think that until he’s at least 3, what he needs is to be distracted away from his adverse behavior.

14

I am not all that angry. When this whole idea came up I pointed out to my wife that we would probably run into these exact problems. Amazing how I can predict the future that way. So I was prepared for this, it is going pretty much exactly as I expected and while I don’t like it I am not angry.

My wife, on the other hand, is getting quite pissed. She has a habit of setting very high expectations for people then getting upset when they are not met. I have spoken with her about this a lot.

I will be talking to Lisa today about some things. First, I am quite annoyed in that a few days ago I actually went into the room she is staying in and wrote down a few rules on the wall (we are working on having a kid, the room she is staying in will be the nursery and my wife painted part of one wall with the chalk board paint). One of the rules was no food upstairs. Sad that I have to tell a 25 year old simple rules like ‘no food upstairs’ and ‘clean up the bathroom because other people use it’.

This morning LilBit was running around upstairs with Gummy Bears. My wife is pissed.

The thing I keep trying to remind my wife is that Lisa grew up with her Dad (RedNeck) and Step Mom (Trashgirl). They are full on, pure, white trash. Dad and Step Mom are both abusive and pull some amazing shit. For example, Dad bought a car in his then 18 year old daughters (different daughter, we will call her Cutter) name. Then defaulted on the loan. When my wife was married to RedNeck, he cheated on her with TrashGirl (which is a big reason, along with physical abuse that my wife left), who happened to be 15 at the time. He was in his twenties. When my wife and RedNeck got divorced, the judge was RedNecks cousin. You can guess how well that went for my wife. Anyway, RedNeck and TrashGirl are a walking, talking Jerry Springer Show. Thankfully my wife and I are distant observers for most of it. We do, however get to clean up the mess they leave behind with the kids*.

Anyway, besides trying to get LilBit a bit more under control, we are trying to get through to Lisa. She seems to know that she needs to do something different, she wants to go to school in that ‘Oh yeah, wouldn’t it be awesome if I went to school and got a degree and made tons and tons of money’ way and not in the ‘I am going to go sign up now’ way that actually works.

So today I am going to take Lisa and go have a long talk. My wife suggested to Lisa that if she didn’t want to respect our house we can send her back to S.C. Lisa didn’t want to do that. Maybe I can get through to her a little bit.

More later…most work now :slight_smile:

Slee

15

Whenever possible, give LilBit more exercise. Walking, running, climbing, dancing, whatever. That helped with my son at that age. If he’s doing something positive with his energy, he doesn’t have a chance (or has fewer chances, anyway) to do something negative with it.

16

Going to move this to IMHO since it’s asking for advice.

17

Two year olds are at an age where they can be very helpful. Get him a toddler sized broom and he can help you sweep, when cooking set aside things he can do (dice up all the fruit so he can mix it in a bowl for a fruit salad, he can help pour the sauce over the pasta, etc.) and he can pick up trash off the floor and put it in the trash can. My almost 3 year old loves that kind of thing and will proudly tell everyone around how she helped make dinner or helped clean the kitchen or what have you without even realizing it kept her busy and taught her an important skill at the same time.

As far as books go my very favorite is Parenting with Love and Logic. It is an amazing book and I can’t say enough good things about it.

18

How about using Duct Tape or Velcro on LilBrat…err…LilBit, sorry…

I’m not a parental type, and I have no patience for bad behavior, when my niece and nephew were going through the Terrible Twos, my response was “vacate the area”, leave the room, go out for a long drive, that kinda’ thing

In situations where escape wasn’t available, I fell back on “disapproving glare and barely audible grumbling”, I let them know, through body language that their misbehavior was NOT appreciated, for some reason, they responded well to Unca’ Russ’s use of “The Stare”…

It was so effective that it became almost a fallback, whenever misbehaving started, The Stare stopped it dead, very quickly

Part of it may have been that they both adore me for some reason, even though I basically was in “IgnoreMode” the whole time…

No, no idea why it worked, but it did.