Oh. Dear. Lord. Boomtown is dead, and some kind of horrible undead … thing … has taken its place.
Here’s the season premiere. The four uniformed officers take up crime busting in their spare time to avenge the death of two of their own. They’re Cops With Attitude – Breaking All The Rules!
Oddly, they all seem to have acquired a lot more fashion sense in the last few months. Even Ray’s clothes seem to be neatly pressed. Oh, and Donnie Wahlberg’s wife? She’s just as chipper as can be, thank you very much! McNorris? MIA, except for a teeny cameo at the end. Messy subplots about graft and corruption? Swept under the carpet.
Anyway, our four feisty cops trace the killings to an underworld Mr. Big. While doing so they cross paths with another feisty detective … played by Vanessa Williams. Naturally, they team up, The four cops then fade into the background, spending most of the episode as her flunkies. (Except for Donnie Wahlberg, who plays a High Stakes Game of Cat and Mouse with Mr. Big. Tune in next week!)
It turns out the actual trigger, er, men in the killing were a couple of automatic-toting, well-dressed jewel thieves … played by Rebecca DeMornay and Kelly Hu. You know, the sorts of realistic criminals we’re used to seeing on Boomtown.
Actual segment of the show:
Cop: We’ll never get there in time.
Vanessa Williams: Not by car. But there are a few benefits to being a D3! [Naturally, she outranks all the established characters on the show.]
CUT TO: a helicopter landing on a rooftop. Vanessa and the four cops get out.
Cop: We’re too late!
CUT TO: a building across the street exploding.
A few minutes later, after Williams had been shot multiple times in the back and then popped right back up without a hair out of place (“Good vest!” she chirped,) I thought I had it all figured out. They could not be serious. They could not have taken one of the best dramas on TV and turned it into this.
No, this had to be a spoof, a parody a … a dream! Yes, that’s it. Probably what happened is that Ray fell asleep while watching Miami Vice reruns after eating too many nachos and this is all his dream. And he’s going to wake up any minute now! Right? Right? Wake up, Ray, wake up!
…oh crap, the credits, it’s over…
The clever dialogue has been replaced by cliches; the character segments replaced by fake-Tony-Scott montages; the old music replaced by a blaring and cheesy soundtrack; the drama by lame action scenes; and the acting of the superb ensemble cast by the attractive-but-stiff Vanessa Williams.
There is no reason to watch this show. If you liked the old Boomtown, everything good about it is gone. If you didn’t like the old Boomtown, the current zombie using its name is no better than a bunch of other cheesy action shows on TV, including that syndicated one with Pamela Anderson Lee.
Advice to the network: put Boomtown out of its misery immediately. At least allow us to remember its name with respect. But keep Williams, DeMornay, and Hu – if you add Tanya Roberts and Yasmine Bleeth, and you’d have a great Fox Force Five!