Ok these are not mine but they absolutely cracked me up. If you need a good laugh read RAUL’S STRANGE FUTURE!!!
The speed of light will be reduced to 55mph-- Sure it’ll wreak havoc with the Laws of Physics, but it’ll save lives.
Great art will come in aerosol cans-- One spray and the user’s walls can be covered by a DaVinci, Van Gogh, or Matisse. Those who don’t first clean the nozzles end up with Jackson Pollocks.
Magnetic media will replace all paper-- Going to the bathroom will be particularly difficult, giving a new meaning to the phrase “wiping a disk.”
Drugs will have more specific side-effects-- Rather than causing mere drowsiness, cold tablets will cause users to don kilts and race down the street on mopeds, yelling, “All men die, but not every man really lives!”
Stock-market volatility will allow the mish to buyout Intel-- Their new orchestra-hall-sized, windmill-powered, mechanical “microprocessor” will be more accurate than Pentium.
Restaurants will be themed like airplane interiors-- Patrons will pay premium prices to crush into tiny seats and choose from two microwaved entrees. Every two hours or so, the entire restaurant will shake in simulated turbulence.
Kevin Costner will market his own cologne, “Flopsweat”-- The slogan: “The scent worn by Wyatt Earp!”
What went up will come down-- The spinnin’ wheel will spin around.
All foods will be made into jerky-- The Chic will stroll along Rodeo Drive while chawin’ on big hunks o’ caviar.
Hertz will rent super-human powers-- Those who choose psychokinesis must shell out for the damage waiver.
Paul McCartney will admit that he has, in fact, been dead since 1965-- But, he explains, his body cannot rest until it owns the publishing rights to every Top-Ten hit.
Warner’s “Placebo” will be the feel-good movie of the year-- The film won’t really be entertaining, but people will think it is.
Asexual harrassment will be a crime-- Deemed a form of descrimination, millions will be arrested for not making advances toward the unappealing.
Wristwatch-sized Karma indicators will let people know when their luck is running out-- The youth version, the Santa Claus-O-Meter, helps keep kids in line.
Boyz II Men will drop their hip-hop-doo-wop sound and become a nihilistic industrial band-- They’ll call themselves Men II Corpsyz.
Shane will come back-- MacArthur will return.
Millions will try the Keith Richards Diet-- It promises health and longevity through massive alcohol, drug, and nicotine abuse.
Cereals will be fortified with moral fiber-- They’ll stay righteous even in milk.
Sociologists will prove that beggars CAN be choosers-- They cite USENET binary groups as proof.
The definition of “FREE” wll be legally changed-- Its new meaning will be “billed to your credit card in amounts so small that you won’t notice we’re sucking you dry.”
Churches will offer drive-thru confession-- They’ll ask “Would you like absolution with that?”
Disney Dollars will be the global currency-- As if it isn’t already.
Cable companies will carry the Mahabharata Channel-- Its tremendous popularity is attributed to the fact that several days pass between commercials.
Jane will stop that crazy thing-- AND that cat will stay out for the night.
Banks will offer Reality Checks-- Those who overdraw will go insane.
A chemist at Searle will destroy society by inventing Guilt-Blocker Pills-- Self-testing will turn his grave concerns about the deleterious effects of such a substance into thoughts of “Aw, what the fuck!”
Thanks to the Internet, no one will watch TV-- Set sales will be nearly nil before a clever ad exec revitalizes the market by renaming the device Electronic Babysitter.
Warning labels will have warning labels-- They’ll read “Warning: The word 'warning,” and all other words contained herein are merely symbolic intermediaries, not the concepts themselves. Interpret at your own risk."
The Vatican will run its own Web site-- During Holy Days, many worshipers will get the message “Connection refused by Pope.”
Botanists will perfect the seedless pomegranate-- The same technology will allow the creation of the seedless sunflower.
Eating Mexican fast-food will be the eighth deadly sin-- The unrepentant will wind up in Taco Hell.
‘Snail Mail’ will be delivered by snails-- The mollusks prove more swift than human carriers.
The dead will rise-- Thanks to Embalmer’s Yeast.
Tourism will be an organized religion-- It will supplant Protestantism as the dominant sect in America.
Russia, Ukraine, and the Baltics will get together to form the Soviet Reunion-- They’ll release a commemorative album, “Siberia Freezes Over.”
Dogs will talk-- Their constant cries of “Throw the ball! Throw the ball!” make them a lot less appealing as pets.
Oil will be discovered on the moon-- The event mysteriously coincides with the sale of NASA to Texaco.
The Law of the Jungle will be rewritten-- “Survival of the Fittest” will be changed to “Survival of the Most Knowledgeable of Show Tunes”.
Money will have an expiration date-- Amazingly, the economy will improve.
Campbell’s introduces Algebra Soup-- Its popularity spawns a plethora of imitators, including Calculus Consomme and Chaos Chowder.
Someone will put a Lo-jack on Waldo-- It brings a welcome end to the irritating search for his whereabouts.
Dust mites will grow to the size of cows-- If you don’t believe me, check out my living room.
Coors will patent “workohol”-- The intoxicant allows workaholics to enjoy that high-achiever buzz without the inconvenience of doing something productive.
Phone Sex will cause “Phone Pregnancy”-- Nine months later, patrons automatically receive midnight calls from cholicky babies.
Cars will run on LOVE-- Most people will get lousy mileage.
Computers will come with a “Self Help” button-- Pushing it doesn’t actually solve users’ problems, it just makes them feel okay about having them.
Soup & Salad Bars will evolve into Complete Dinner Bars-- Patrons will pay $20 a pop to go into the restaurants’ kitchens and cook for themselves.
Scientists will invent a tonic which can grow hair on a billiard ball-- Unfortunately, it will be completely ineffectual on humans.
The “waif look” will give way to the “wave look”-- So named because the slightest movement of these corpulent models causes their bodies to be overrun by flesh tsunamis.
Coho Cola will take the country by storm-- Millions will guzzle the beverage before they realize the salmon-colored soft-drink is actually made from salmon.
The Universe will shrink to the size of a pinhead-- Pinheads will fill the Universe.
Facsimile machines will be able to transmit people-- Many will be told to go FAX themselves.
Folger’s will introduce “Recaf” Coffee-- Enriched with all the caffeine removed from “Decaf,” the new beverage replaces Jolt as the rocket fuel of the Computer Revolution.
Muscular Dystrophy will be cured-- Jerry Lewis will start a telethon for Washed-Up Performers Who Can’t Get Booked Anywhere Else.
Scientists will prove mathematically that God exists-- Religious leaders reject the theorem since it also proves His name is Waldo and he lives in Jersey.
Cecil will be declared People’s “Sexiest Man Alive”-- Brad Pitt will take his own life.
Turner will introduce a new cable station, “Commercial Television”-- The pay-per-view channel will play ads twenty-four hours a day
For school-lunch purposes, the Government will classify Crunchberries as a fruit-- Sweetbreads will be classified as bread.
Philips will finally perfect the Holy Grail of multimedia, full-screen, full-motion video-- It will be sold under the catchy name of “VHS.”
The cows will come home-- They say “Bill Bailey will be along in a minute.”
The Meek shall inherit the Earth-- They’ll sign it over to the Aggressive after a day’s intimidation.
Joe Camel will be replaced by T’Backy, the Nicotine Bear-- R.J. Reynolds will continue to insist they’re not marketing to children.
A new dance craze–“The Hurl”-