Boss Codes

Jarbaby’s Boss Says: “I need you to dust off that letter to New York”

Boss Means: “I’ve lost the letter to New York.”
Jarbaby’s Boss Says: “I’m just running out for a sandwich. Back in ten minutes”

Boss Means: “I’m going to be gone for an hour and a half”
Jarbaby’s Boss Says: “The hard visual optics on this brochure aren’t quite what I need.”

Boss Means: “Can the text be blue?”
Jarbaby’s Boss Says: “I’m going to have you tweak this report”

Boss Means: “You have to completely rewrite this and add punctuation.”

Me: “What time do you want me in?”

Boss says: “Oh, whenever.”

Boss means: “6:30 AM.”
Me: “That report look ok?”

Boss says: “It’s fine.”

Boss means: “It’s crap.”
Boss says: “Can you come talk to me in my office for a second? And close the door…”

Boss means: “You’re fired.”

Boss says: “Good job lately- we appreciate the hard work you’re doing.”
Boss means: “That raise you’ve been waiting on? That was it.”

Boss says: “Good times, good times.”
Boss means: “You’re going to wish you were fucked with a chainsaw instead of coming into work next week.”

Boss says: “Who should I protect in my fantasy league? Warner or Harrison?”
Boss means: “I want someone to blame when I lose again this year. Oh, and don’t take this as license to talk to others about your league. Get back to work.”

Boss says: "We all know that this isn’t a 40-hour a week job. Everyone will have to start doing 9-hour days now.
Boss means: “I know you’re usually here for eleven or twelve hours a day, but I’ll pretend to ignore that and demand that you work harder so I can make my numbers. It’s easier than getting more headcount.”

Former boss (attorney): I’ve got just a few changes to make on this will.
Means: it’ll only take 2-3 hours. And then the client will want to change it again.

Former boss (sales amanger): I need to add just a few data points to this graph.
Means: and then a few more, and then I’ll delete some and add others…

Former co-worker (at stockbroker): Can you help me with my filing?
Means: Can you do my filing?

Jarbaby’s boss says: I’m going to dictate a quick note to Gerd.

Boss Means: Crack your knuckles, here comes a six page report with tables

Poddy’s Advisor sez: Let’s meet for about a half hour at 3:00 so you can catch me up on your project.
Poddy’s Advisor means: Let’s meet for about three hours starting at 3:45 (because that’s when you’ll finally be able to track me down) so that I can make you re-explain everything you’ve done on your project for the last 4 months.

hardygrrl’s boss says I have a little project for you to do between calls.

hardygrrl’s boss means Here’s a list of 250 accounts. Please review each account, determine what kind of fraud occurred on each account, and make me a report with a snazzy piechart.

hardygrrl’s boss says As a stockholder…

hardygrrl’s boss means I have a 401k but not the ability to think for myself.

Me: This new program I’m writing will do A, B, like you asked, and I think I can make it do C also, at no extra charge.

My Boss (to his boss): Our new program will do C, D and F. By Tuesday.

My Boss (to me): Be sure and show Bob how your new program does D and F at the demonstration on Tuesday.

Me: ???