Your eyes are like the diamonds that we saw on those earrings in the jewelers window that day. No, not those … no … over to the left … no … those …the little ones … in the back …
BZZZZZT!
Your ears are like flowers… cauliflowers…
BZZZT…
Oh, what is that wonderful perfume you’re wearing? It reminds me of a stripper I knew in Toledo…
BZZZT!!!
Your hands remind me of the sandpaper I was using Saturday to refinish my…
BZZZZZZZT!!!
Hey, Dreamboat! …no, not you, Shipwreck!
Hey Cookie! …not you, Dogbiscuit!
Your teeth remind me of the picket fence that was…
BZZZZT!
Your legs bring to mind the horse that I…
BZZZZT!
You kiss better than anyone in my whole family
BZZZT!
Your voice is like that cartoon character…
BZZZZT!
Your thighs…
BZZZZT!
You are just like my LAST girlfri…
BZZZZT!
When you were younger…
BZZZZT! BZZZZT! BZZZZT!
I love how you have hair all the way down to your butt. It sets off your crew cut so well…
BZZZZT!
Your damp, mildewy scent is…
BZZZZZT!!
You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since prison.
BZZZZZT!!
You remind me of my mother, god is she hot…
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!
O
vidi vici veni!
I love the way your arms jiggle when you run…
BZZZZZT!
Your eyes are deep-set and mysterious, like a pig’s…
BZZZZZT!
Those little downy hairs on your lip are the most beautiful…
BZZZZZZT!
Until I met you, I thought I could never love again, at least not within my own species…
BZZZZZZZT!
“Oh, look! You have the cutest little wee-wee!” BZZZZT!
“You know, you’re the first date I’ve had that I haven’t met at a family reunion.” BZZZZT!
“Gosh, that was quick!” BZZZZZZZT!
Are those REAL???
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!
You can feel the magic between us… ummm a little lower…
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!
I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!
O
vidi vici veni!