I need some advice here, folks. Starting a month or so ago, I’ve been on a few dates with a really nice guy that I’m just not attracted to. We’ve agreed to be just friends, but I know he likes me and he REALLY wants a girlfriend.
Enter this really cute, funny girl I work with. I think they would really hit it off. But how do I make it happen?
Do I tell them I’d like to set them up?
Will setting him up hurt his feelings?
Do I do an ambush - invite them both out for drinks at the same time, hang with them for a bit, but keep making frequent trips to the bar/jukebox/bathroom/pool table and see if they click?
Yes. Perfect. And do not give either of them prior warning, tempting as it may be for you. Requesting opinions afterwards is okay, but even then do not confess that it was a plot.
Well mag, you know what I think as I already told you.
but in the interests of enlightening the masses and sharing my vast dating wisdom[sub]snort[/sub], I will expound with some additional thoughts:
I think that a combination of the two is the way to go. If you are going to the trouble, go a bit extra. Do the group after work thing while in the midst of your bladder control issue;). Perhaps you can borrow a pager and get scarce if it gets really good as well!
Then see how it went and either prod him or her to make the next move based upon the reactions.
If you set them up and it ends badly, you will be tainted by association. If it’s a group thing, there will be less recriminations and the setting up will go much more smoothly.
Ambush with a group. But a bigger group than just the three of you, as offered by MikeG. In addition to the fewer chances of blame if something goes wrong there are other people there for them to talk to talk to if they just don’t click.
If your main goal is getting this guy hooked up with someone, I’d say make it just the three of you. If the woman you want him to click with hooks up with someone else in front of him, that could have unpredictable effects.
I suppose the value of this statement is contingent on your own fascination with planning the whole thing.
I would go with the group thing, starting out with just the three of you and meeting up with more people later in the evening. In an effort to combine previously given ideas, you can leave them alone to “use the bathroom”, “play a game of pool” whatever and the two of them will have a better chance of hooking up when you’re among more people. If you start off with a group of 8 or 10 or whatever, the girl in question might hook up with a different guy. Yes, I could be (and probably am) way wrong in my thinking.
Sit them next to each other on the “fucking” couch, start up the old camcorder(hidden away of course.) Pretend you have to run out an an emergency errand, and not only will you get to be cupid, with a little luck you’ll get a marketable video.
Seriously though. It seems a little cruel to be foisting leftovers “Here, he’s not good enough for me, but he should do for the likes of you.”
Doing what your proposing is difficult without letting some of that message slip through.
From the guy’s perspective it’s also a little hard to take. What if he really cares about you? What is he, a puppy who’s emotions are easily manipulated and transferred?
Of course, if you mess up in your attempts at matchmaking and send the wrong signals by accident, there is the potential for catastrophe. “Cool,” the guy thinks. “She wants a menage a trois!”
Best to keep these things seperate. Break up with the guy and rip his heart out with the respect and sensitivity he deserves before you propose a transplant.
See, this is what I’m afraid of. I DON’T want to send this message.
Scylla, you are too smart for your own good. He has been dogged in his pursuit. I’m running out of ways to send the message. I’ve tried the “let’s be friends symphony in Db minor.” I’ve tried the “this just isn’t clicking polka”. I’ve tried the “I just don’t feel for you what you feel for me waltz.” I need to hire a freakin’ singing telegram. I do think that he wants a girlfriend more than he wants me specifically, and I’ve told him I’m not going to hang out with him anymore one-on-one because it send the wrong message…
So yeah, this is just a big bid to get rid of him.
My nickname among my friend for this guy is Lutheran Corporate Tax Accountant, ie, LCTA. I doubt his brain will go along this path. Which is precisely the problem.
See above - there was no actual relationship. There was no nookie. I’ve been a good, good, good girl.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I might scrap the whole plan.
Ooh, ooh, or throw a party at my house! Who wants to come?
Scylla, maybe you can help me avoid these situations from day one:
How do you turn down a second date with a perfectly nice person? I’ve been tearing my way through the town a little bit lately, and there are a lot of frogs on the way to the prince. What is a polite way to say no?
This NEVER happens to me. I swear. This prom queen thing is a whole new ballgame.
The problem here, is that the guy thinks you’re a good catch for him. He looks at you, and says “She’s a bit better than I’m entitled to,” and therefore he’s doggedly pursuing you to make you his.
When you try to send him these messages, you’re confirming his suspicians. He’s not quite good enough for you. But you don’t have the heart to completely chuck him out of your life because he’s so… decent. This makes him think he has a chance so he keeps going. He plays this last aspect for it’s worth, being perfect in all ways so you’ll have no excuse.
You have 4 choices:
Let him play himself out (you could spend a long time in codependant hell)
Chuck him out of your life “Listen, I said I just wanted to be friends. You don’t seem to accept that, so adios.”
Brutal honesty. “I’m sorry, bud. I can’t you stand you any more. I do know this girl who might be interested, though because you’re not so bad. If I try to set you up, will you promise to leave me alone forever?”
Become an actress. What you need to do is repress all these positive and atractive qualities he finds in you, and emphasize those he dislikes. If you’ve spent some time with him, you should be observant enough to figure out what he dislikes. Use this information to imagine a woman that this guy would never want to be near. Once you’ve figured this out, become this woman any time you see him. Lead him to discover that he’s to good for you. Lead him to discover that he can’t stand you. Become slovenly, rude, insensitive, and unattractive. Talk about the future, how you never want to have children. Talk about how wrong monogamy is. Go out with him, and make him stop at a drug store because you ran out of genital herpes cream. By “Rid” and let him know it’s not for an infestation in your head. Talk about your hemmorhoids (you don’t actually have to have any.)
That’s only four choices.
In truth there must be fifty ways to leave this guy.
Well, being married and having a kid has managed to stunt my dating life to some small degree.
Honestly, I rarely if ever tried to avoid a second date. I would usually meet women socially, and get to know them in that setting. By the time we went out by ourselves we were pretty sure it was more than a one shot deal.
In truth though, I think the simplest and kindest way is just to play stupid. Be nice, friendly, and… busy. You simply don’t have a specific time when you’re available. Eventually, the message will be gotten.
-Let him know you know this great guy you could set him up with. When he tells you he’s not gay, say “No, really. You don’t have to pretend with me. It’s ok.” Refuse to accept the concept that he’s straight. Argue with him. It doesn’t have to make sense. Every guy has a feminine side. Use his against him. “Oh come on, why would you wear shoes like that if you weren’t gay.” or “I can tell you’re gay because I feel absolutely nothing between us. There’s no chemistry at all.”
-Talk about this guy you almost how married. Talk about what a passionate affair it was, how you went to bed with him before you knew his name and what a great lover he was, and how you’d have sex all the time. Talk about how tall and handsome and strong he was. How intelligent and masculine. Make him seem really great.
At some point, he’ll ask you when this happened. Just say “Something like that’s never really over. We still see each other. But don’t worry, it’s just for sex and companionship, and adventure and fun. We fit each other. it’s not like you and I at all.” Then apologize like you forgot yourself and didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.
See, that seems meaner than some variation of “I had a nice time, but don’t see a future, thanks again, I’ll see you around.” C’mon, can you picture moi playing dumb?
Thanks for the overall advice. You’re a prince, Scylla.
