Should I set up my friends?

I HATE when my friends try to set me up with their friends.

But maybe that’s just because it’s never worked out. (They never set me up with their attractive friends. Maybe that’s why.)

The few times I’ve set my friends up with each other, it has worked out disastrously.

Now I have two friends who don’t yet know of each other’s existence, who I think would really hit it off. They have a lot in common (career interests; hobbies; a habit of dating losers). I think they’d be great together.

(And yes, they’re both attractive - she is totally hot, and I had a crush on him for YEARS so I think he’s attractive.)

I’m not planning on TELLING either of them this. Heavens no. That is certainly a kiss of death. There is nothing more awkward than meeting someone who you’ve been told you should be attracted to.

But if I were to, say, invite them both out at the same time (along with some other friends) and leave it up to them to click or not, I think they’d both be too shy to do anything about it (the main reason they keep dating losers - because they always let the good ones get away).

And no, I’m not thinking about this because I’m happily coupled and want them to share the joy. I just get sick of hearing them bitching about dating losers, and I think they’d hit it off. And I have the exact same conversations with both of them, so I think they would enjoy having those conversations with each other.

Does this ever work? Should I try it? If so, how? Should I just mind my own business?

Your stories/suggestions please.

My suggestion re: this situation?

Find whatever twisted little strand of DNA residing in your body is responsible for causing this urge to meddle and cut it out :smiley:

I say this with the most respect I can muster. Seriously. Don’t get involved in your friends’ love lives. No good can come of it.

(Heck, look back at your own self-admitted history when friends tried to hook you up, take a lesson from it, and sit back and relax :))

I don’t see anything wrong with that. I like introducing my friends to my other friends, even when I’m not trying to set them up. (Which is good, because my friends are overwhelmingly straight males). I figure, if I like Friend A, and I like Friend B, then Friend A and Friend B will probably like each other, too. Don’t push the romance angle, but if it happens… well, that’s just gravy.



Just don’t.

And what’s worse? Inviting both to a party and expecting them to hit it off. You’ll tell one, or the other, or both, or someone else…it will be very, very, very uncomfortable.

If you hate it when people do it to you, why would you do it to other people?

At most, I’d try to get them in the same room together, like for a movie or lunch date. Your intentions are good, but their inability to find decent dating material really isn’t any of your business.

Rather than set up your friends, why not introduce your totally hot friend to me? :cool:

There is no issue with having a party to get your different groups of friends to meet each other. Sometimes they hit it off with someone they hadn’t met before and you get the reputation as “the person who introduced them.” Sometimes, later you hear “boy, that guy Joe sure seemed like a jerk” and that answers that.

But, God Forbid, don’t tell anyone.

My thoughts exactly. I don’t mind being an influence on my friends, but to influence them deliberately or even to attempt the deed is, I think, misguided. I would resent anyone who used me to play matchmaker no matter how lofty their intent or how successful their mission.

I used to think this and probably it holds true for some people, but not for me. My bonds of friendships (and romance) tend to be forged over shared experiences or a transformative first meeting rather than shared values. My circle of friends has almost nothing in common except for me at the center.

Having said this, I agree with Dangerosa about inviting both friends to the same party:

When I turned twenty, two friends, one male, one female, came from different states to celebrate my birthday. I left them alone together at my apartment while I spent the night at my girlfriend’s place (a year hence I would be spending the night with my boyfriend, but that’s another story). It was a matter of sleeping arrangements, that’s all, but my two friends did more than sleep. They had sex, became infatuated with each other, and thanked me for bringing them together. “I had nothing to do with it,” I protested, but they did not believe me. Their giddy love affair turned sour and became a mutual torment lasting for months. A year or so later, my guy friend came out of his closet.

I wish my friends had made more effort to set me up.

Someone once remarked “People are friends in spots.” Your friends’s spots might not align, and they will hate you for setting them up. Even if it goes okay at first, if they break up they will blame you for putting them together. You are apt to lose two friends by trying to help them.

Me and the ex set up a couple friends on what we thought would be a nice, casual dating scenario. They fell massively in love and married, had a child, and were together for many years (though I think they may have divorced…I’ve been out of touch with them for a good 10 years).

Yes, it can definitely work.

If you really think they’d like each other, invite them both (along with some other people!) to a neutral event or outing. Have a party, or go to a concert. Don’t make a point of pushing them together, just introduce them and see what happens.

I’ve dated a few people that I met through my friends, but it’s been a simple matter of us meeting naturally and hitting it off. The few times that my friend has told me how much I’m going to love this particular guy, I, well… didn’t. And vice versa, I’m sure.

I second this advice: Don’t tell anyone!! There’s nothing worse than meeting someone while knowing that everyone else in the room is watching you out of the corners of their eyes, waiting to see if the two of you will “spark” and immediately start copulating on the nearest available surface.

That said, there’s no harm in inviting them both to some kind of group event. No pressure, no expectations. It can work.

Even though most of the time match-making efforts don’t work, hey, dating in general fails more often than it pans out and most of us still keep trying anyway. :slight_smile:
I say give it a shot and see what happens. I see no harm in inviting them out with a group of folks and giving them some “ice breaker” info about each other…just as long as it’s done in a way that doesn’t make it obvious that you are purposely trying to set them up, because I agree that would ruin everything.

Why do you say that like it’s too late now? They probably know someone who is single. :slight_smile:

The one time I did this it turned out horribly. So I agree that it’s a bad idea. And part of the problem is that it’s hard to judge whether they’ll have that ineffable connection; seems that even if two people look like they’d be great together on paper, if they don’t click together, it won’t happen. (Part of the problem with the time I set people up was one of them had some horribly exact specifications for a date; turns out that close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, not in dating.)

And so I agree with the suggestion of having some sort of get-together where they have a chance to meet each other, without any pressure or expectation. Maybe they’ll end up as friends, maybe they’ll end up in a relationship, but you won’t bear any moral responsibility no matter what happens.

I hate being set up, but I love being introduced to eligible people. Frankly, it can be hard to meet other singles once you’re out of school. An introduction from a good friend is a great way to meet someone.

However, there should be no pressure. A party or other nuetral event is a good thing. Just don’t tell anyone!

I think the only case in which you can try to set your friends up with people is if one of them says he/she wants to improve his/her social life and would like to meet any interesting potential partners you know. Even then, don’t tell the other person! I think knowing you’re being set up is humiliating (certainly when the intention to do so is gleefully announced in front of a family group who are all in on the plan :mad: ).

That’s how I met my boyfriend; Jess thought ‘Hey, F_PUB has been been bitching about lack of nookie, Jeremy has been lonely. They both remind me of the other with their identical sense of humour and thinking!’

She didn’t tell anyone and brought him to a party and made a subtle point to introduce us. It worked because I thought he was a hotty McBody and had a fantastic sense of humour etc. and he, the same of me. We’ve been together for 16 months even though I’m now interstate.

If you want to give that a shot, tell no one in immediate vicinity. Take them both to a party, introduce them with a slight blurb; This is A, she works in Occupation. A, meet B, he likes dogs. Etc.

It’s worth a shot but don’t make a big deal about it.

Also, a downside to having Jess introduce us; she won’t keep her bloody nose out of it! But that’s one of her personality quirks more than anything else. Don’t push it, just go with it.

40’s rather too old to start; I’ve basically given up. While I’ll pursue an opportunity if it presents itself, I’ve stopped actively looking.

Well, if you’re happy on your own I’m all for that (I’m a long-term single too). However, if you’d still like to meet someone, it’s never too late. :slight_smile: In fact, from what I’ve observed, I’d say that older men have an advantage in the dating scene over younger men. As women get older, it seems to become increasingly difficult to find eligible men, due to men’s tendency to die off at younger ages and general preference for dating women younger than themselves…so I’d bet there are women out there in your age bracket who would really love to meet a decent bachelor if you let your friends know you’d like to meet any single gals they know. :slight_smile: