Should I set up my friends?

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=lavenderviolet]
I see no harm in inviting them out with a group of folks and giving them some “ice breaker” info about each other…just as long as it’s done in a way that doesn’t make it obvious that you are purposely trying to set them up, because I agree that would ruin everything.
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(bolding mine)

ACK! No! Never ever never do this! Bring them together at a group gathering if you feel compelled to try to get them together, but under no circumstances do this if 1) you weren’t going to do it with every single person in the room, and 2) especially if you had some thought of trying to pass on the “ice breaker” info in private.

I hated discovering that I’d been set up by my friends, and I do mean discover. How did it happen? Well, each time there was a party with with plenty of other folks around. In case #1, intros would go something like, “Lily, I’d like you to meet Jen, Bob, Chris, Jerry… oh, and Jerry was an astrophysics major back in college, I’m sure you science-y types will have a lot to talk about…” Thank you, Friend, for just having telegraphed to everyone in earshot that there’s a set-up in progress. :rolleyes:

In case #2, I’d be in the kitchen helping with the snack trays, say, and Friend would say, “You know, Bobby’s got a nice job with a bank, and has a boat, and Maserati… he’d be a really nice catch.” And later Bobby would sidle up and ask me to tell him more about some high school adventure that Friend had told him about. Clearly he’d been given a lot more info about me than I had about him, and it was infuriating. What the heck else did Friend say about me? And what possessed her to think I’d be happy about being so caught off balance with the guy? :mad:

Neither of those cases made me want to date the guys I was being set up with, and once I had the delight of being subsequently semi-stalked by a guy in case #2. So, stuff your friends in the same room if you like, but let nature take its course! Failure can be an option here…

22

Do it. Try to set them up.

Once upon a time, I was complaining to a friend (actually, an ex-girlfriend) that I wanted to get into a relationship, but didn’t know anybody that I wanted to try with (or who wanted to try me), and wasn’t looking forward to the feeble attempt that “dating” in college often turns out to be.

At the same time, another friend of hers was complaining that she wanted to meet a nice guy.

My ex-girlfriend, sick of hearing two people bitch and moan to her, said “fine. I know somebody for you. Meet!” Five years later, we married.

23

I don’t think there is harm in this but if it doesn’t work out don’t push it. I have a friend who tried and introduced me to a guy that ironically she knew I would not go for. Now when he comes around I have to hear “He is such a good man”. You know, I am sure he is but I don’t want to go out with him for a whole host of reasons. She thinks because I am single and in my 30s I should just go for whomever will take me. I am a graduate student and will be going to law school…at this moment, I am not interested in anyone. Oh, and he wants to date me because he will be “dating up”. No thank you.

24

Oh yes, I agree that if it’s transparent that you’re only introducing the two people because you’re trying to hook them up, it would be a disaster. However, to me, it seems pretty natural that if you have two friends with a common interest you’d point it out to them while introducing them. :slight_smile: I’ve done that when talking to friends about other friends of the same sex (when neither party is gay). I definitely agree with not singling anyone out for the pressure and awkwardness of knowing they’re being set up.

25

A friend was trying to help her single friend find a nice man, and held a dinner party at which I was also a guest. The man she invited was nice in every way, but was probably not a suitable candidate as he set off our gaydars immediately.
Our hostess was shocked when we delivered our verdict - she hadn’t any inkling that this might be the case. Her own boyfriend was observing the whole situation and when finally asked for his opinion, he said he had got the same impression.

26

[QUOTE=lavenderviolet]
Oh yes, I agree that if it’s transparent that you’re only introducing the two people because you’re trying to hook them up, it would be a disaster. However, to me, it seems pretty natural that if you have two friends with a common interest you’d point it out to them while introducing them. :slight_smile: I’ve done that when talking to friends about other friends of the same sex (when neither party is gay). I definitely agree with not singling anyone out for the pressure and awkwardness of knowing they’re being set up.
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I know you mean well, it’s clear. :slight_smile: But here’s the thing, from my perspective: if you bring up some common interest when you’re introducing two people, and then walk away (as would usually be the case in a party situation where you have hosting duties to attend), you are expressing an expectation that these two people will get along with each other and without you, the common friend, as a buffer. That is a classic set-up situation and quite honestly transparent to the parties involved (been there, have the souvenirs), unless they really are totally clueless.

As the victim of a number of poorly thought-out set-ups by well-meaning friends, I would suggest the following to someone thinking of doing a set-up:

  1. Throw a party, and leave the two intendeds to find each other. If you want to try to encourage things along, steer the conversation among a bunch of people to whatever their common interest is, and let them “discover” that commonality on their own. If that doesn’t work, gracefully accept defeat.

  2. If you really and truly think that the two people complaining independently to you about their love lives would be happy together, ASK THEM, in advance, separately and at first without offering a lot of details, if they would like you to introduce them to another friend. Yes, I know this is a departure from what I said earlier. However, if you really really really want to play matchmaker, I think it’s appropriate you ask permission to hook them up. It might well be that someone is bitching to you about their love life while, deep down, they are scared of getting involved again just now, or just don’t have the mental energy to deal with another relationship (maybe hurt from before, whatever). Do you really want to be the friend that put them on the spot this way? Think it over.