Your only claim to his money, and his to yours, is if you are married. Then you can complain. Until then, it’s his and he can do whatever he wants with it. You have no claim to it and no interest in how it is used now or in the future.
This is what marriage is for. I am not a marriage moralist - I don’t care about sex outside marriage - but marriage is designed to deal with problems like financial issues in relationships. In other words, marriage may not be a moral issue for you, but it may be smart. You aren’t married, so you can’t really pretend like you are.
Beg to differ. I know numerous couples not married, who manage to both openly discuss and share money without the benefit of marriage.
Patently untrue. You’ve heard of palimony right? She has a child by him, same story.
You will no doubt be shocked to learn that people behave ethically and responsibly, sharing resources, without needing the contract and obligation of a marriage ceremony, every damn day.
Really? The classic, “But they started it!”, justification for your own juvenile response? An oldie but a goodie!
We’re not as dense as you seem to think. We can see your foolish, “Not to offend ----something intended for maximum offense!”, for the disingenuousness that it is. I’d wager the phrase, “I was only joking, where’s your sense of humour?” is also common in your discourse. You’re a real treat!
She’s manipulating him by expressing a desire for something out of their reach? What colour is the sky in your world? Are you sure you’re not still in eighth grade?
And again, all still too juvenile for this playground. Is that all you got? The very pinnacle of your perceptions? C’mon, man up and play with the big dogs. You can do it! Put on your big girl panties. Or, y’know at least make an effort to talk sense, Sweetcheeks!
Youre the one who said I had issues because I pointed out manipulation. Now you acknowledge the issues and its about who started it? What is the phrase this board uses about Goal Posts? When you pick a position, let me know.
Incorrect. You can insist I was disingenuous, but I wasnt. His method was manipulation. You will notice my suggestion? He manipulated him, using guilt, to take him. When he spent the money, he realized his fiscal status and felt bad, an unintended consequence. Im sorry I pointed out reality. Apparently manipulation is a part of your relationships. Gratz.
Absolutely. They arent married, sharing expenses. He prefaced the situation, emphasized it. 8th grade. LOL this is the adult world baybee. Manipulation is all over. Rationalize elsewhere sweeetie, its not working here.
Ah yes, because you call it juvenile, it must be so. Youre the absolute ruler of what is adult. Let me use your tactic
Ignoring the situation as presented in the OP is quite juvenile, and indicative of behavior you must be exhibiting within your personal relationships. How childish of you to ignore the writing on the wall and support such childish behavior.
Emphasis mine. That’s pretty low. You realize that there are relatively few states in the US where gay marriage is legal, right? There’s not a hell of a lot he can do about being stuck in a system which doesn’t grant him the same rights as everyone else. This is hardly an issue of his intelligence, and absent a system-approved way to handle it, gay couples pretty much have to come up with solutions on their own. :rolleyes:
This is a pretty ignorant statement considering the OP is in a same sex relationship and probably can’t get married even if he wanted. It also oversimplifies the complex issue of handling finances in any relationship, married or not.
Really? So the giver’s feelings are the only feelings that matter? The giver has no obligation to pause to think about how the recipient will feel about a particular gift? I, personally, would not be able to enjoy a gift that I knew was outside of the giver’s budget, but the onus is all on me to manage my feelings so that the giver is able to enjoy giving me the gift? If the giver was solely interested in seeing me happy, he/she would give me something that A) I like, and B) doesn’t leave me with budgetary anxiety.
OP, this sort of thing drives me nuts. I like **Elbows **suggestion about how to discuss it.
It would have been nice if the poster had, like, mentioned that in the OP, huh?
Not my fault.
Perhaps, but my point is still made. You can be married, or you can have some kind of understanding that you’re acting like you are - which simply means you might as well be, but have no legal protection for that relationship.
I just don’t get why people don’t get married in situations where it’s in their interest to do so. This is one example (for a couple that could legally get married if they want to, of course).
Ah, okay. Yes, best to read the whole thread before posting. Of course, post 12 was a response to others making the same natural assumption.
If he does live in a state where gay marriage is legal, though, my comments still apply. Gays like him suddenly have the opportunity to think about these things in real terms instead of just hypothetical.
We are planning to get married eventually, whether our state recognizes it or not. (Not holding my breath for Texas ever recognizing it without being told by the federal government or supreme court that they have to). We’ve only been dating just over a year, and we have talked about marriage, but we want to give it a bit more time first.
And I appreciate ALL the comments, even the “offensive” ones (I’m not offended). I appreciate it being pointed out that I was being manipulative, because looking back on it, I suppose I was. I should be more careful about saying I want things, even if I do follow it up with a “we can’t afford this” type of conversation, which I did after bringing up the symphony thing. This is IMHO anyhow, and I don’t expect everyone to treat me with kid gloves!
But like I said earlier, I agree with the consensus and I’m not going to bring up any sort of dissatisfaction over the symphony tickets. I will enjoy it and love our time together. He does have a history of spending money on things that I sometimes feel is a “waste” or a “luxury”, but like I also said, he’s not in collections or on the brink of collapse.
I was really just concerned because he brings up to me from time to time that he “can never seem to make any progress on paying off my credit cards” and this symphony ticket purchase was just one in a line of things spending money a bit frivolously. But they are never BIG ticket purchases, like someone said, just 1 zero in the amount. He bought a new TV for our bedroom… that almost never gets used. He bought a pretty nice road bicycle, that he has only used a handful of times and REALLY didn’t need. He eats out daily. Etc, etc, etc.
I agree it’s his money and he can do whatever he wants.
BUT - in case he is interested in getting his finances under control… I highly, highly recommend the You Need a Budget software. YNAB just came out with a new version and it is even better than the old version. It’s different than Quicken or MSMoney in that it makes the budget - and living within the budget - the focal point of the software. I could go on forever, feel free to PM me with any specific questions.
They will handhold him through the entire process, too - free online classes and e-mail courses, great customer service.
My ex-husband racked up a HUGE credit card problem by spending a bit here and there. Then he would take out an extra credit card to pay off the first one, etc. and with all the late fees and so forth he was in serious trouble. I mean he owed $40,000 and there wasn’t much to show for it. We took money out of his retirement to pay them off and then he just did the same thing over again. So before you actually get married you might want to sort this out.
Sorry to be a bummer but I got burned this way and I hope it doesn’t happen to anyone else!
