Boyfriend spending money he shouldn't, what do I do?

drewtwo99, I suspect you’re feeling a little guilty about his spending money on you that you don’t think he can afford. Relationships are like that, and it’s nice to do that sometimes. Remember that he’s spending it on you BOTH :slight_smile:

Enjoy the hell out of the symphony.

Go with him to the symphony and have a wonderful time!

On the other hand, if he habitually spends more than he can afford, there may be an issue. But nothing you’ve said here would indicate that.

I just spent $170 on a dinner for two with my girlfriend simply because I wanted “a special date” with her. Yes I have bills and recently lost my job so to a logically mind (like hers) I probably shouldn’t have done it. And it would have been all sorts of fucked up if she had told me I shouldn’t have spend the money on us.

I have this issue occasionally with my husband, too. I’ll see something I like (“Hey, look at that cool Dremel attachment!”), and he’ll bring it home for me the next day, usually foregoing something he wanted so he could buy it. I’ve learned to add a comment afterward so he knows I don’t actually need it. Even after 20 years he doesn’t seem to understand that I’m always enthusing about things I don’t actually need to own. In your case, you could have said, “I’d like to see that show some day when I know we can afford it without sacrificing.”

For now, just be happy with your great boyfriend and his gift to you, and don’t feel guilty about it. He’s enjoying being able to give you something he knows you’ll like, so everything is good.

:smiley:

I’d go and enjoy the symphony. This doesn’t seem like an outrageous expense and, while yes, it would have been more ‘responsible’ to pay down a credit card than spend the money, at least this seems like a reasonable purchase. This isn’t spending $180 on a shirt that he’ll wear to the club once. Is there any chance he might have picked up the tickets on some sort of a discount through Groupon or some other site?

If it becomes a habit, then you might have to have a talk.

I’ll put this in the same type of category of someone who is dieting and has a rare treat. Watching every penny or watching every calorie sucks and the occasional splurges can help get through the tough work of paying down debt.

There are people out there that set up weird co-dependent relationships in order to satisfy their urge to overspend: basically, they justify overspending because it’s for their SO or their child or their friends, then they pat themselves on the back for being so kind and generous, and then also wail at fate for making them so poor. This is the person that shows up at a party with fancy beer for everyone and a week later is hitting the same people up for rent money. This sort of person believes that they are the kindest, most generous person they know. They get upset when people resist bailing them out of their financial holes, because they themselves are always so generous. It’s like “I spent my lunch money to buy you flowers and now you won’t even buy me lunch? What’s wrong with you?” They think they are being loving and caring by getting people whatever thing they want, but really it’s about control, about being the one who everyone is indebted and grateful to.

There also exist people that worry to much about things that are none of their business. who think it’s their job to make sure everyone makes the absolute best decision all of the time, who can’t just accept a gift because they want to be in control of every single thing. They think they are being loving and caring by being worried about exactly what other people are doing, but it’s as much about control as anything, about being the one who gets to always decide what is done and what the right thing to do is.

Both these patterns are relationship poison. Mixed together they are nuclear.

One, both, or neither of these situations may apply to your relationship: it’s really impossible for people on the internet to tell. But that’s what your post reminded me of.

You made me spit on my monitor. At work.

Thank him profusely, but use the phrase “Oh but you shouldn’t have!” several times. Enjoy.

Well statistically, chances are you won’t be together later on in your lives, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

<SNIP>

You may not be aware of your behavior in this instance, but I am… and I DO IT TOO!
I’ll try to innocently drop a hint to something I’d like my lady to do for me, then express shock (SHOCK, I TELL YOU) that she actually went thru with it. The most recent was when I subtlety dropped a hint to her about a particular haircut I thought would look nice on her.

Less than a week later, she had that haircut.
Me: “Aw… Sweetheart… I didn’t mean…etc”
:wink:

What? Both scenarios are spending $180 on a luxury that will only last a few hours. Change it to the boyfriend buying them each a $90 shirt to wear once and it’s pretty much the exact same thing.

I did not know you knew my mom.

As much as I sometimes want to toss my mother off the nearest cliff, one of the best things she’s ever done was proclaim, several summers ago, “OK, I’m retired, you two are unemployed, fuck it all, we’re not going to spend the summer mopping around the house! There are incredibly cheap trips out there, let’s find one!”

Prague is gorgeous, and Littlebro’s next job came before we’d even left. His new boss had no problem with letting him join after the trip. Sometimes you just have to say “fuck it all”. I hope you two enjoy the symphony :slight_smile:

drewtwo99 there’s only one ‘0’ in the amount he spent, and nobody ever looks back with fondness to the night they paid less than two hundred bucks off their credit card.

Quit being his financial mother and be his hot date. Live a little, eh?

Please refrain from dropping turds in the punch bowl. It’s unbecoming, and also disallowed.

This would be a deal breaker for me.
Why am I so lonely?:frowning:

Definitely attend the concert and enjoy it!

But take a moment to speak up for your relationship. It’s okay to just be honest. Thank him for the tickets, point out he didn’t have to do that, you were only commenting on something truly, it’s important he knows the difference. Of course his earnings are his to do with as he chooses, but you have often heard him express stress and concern about his consumer debt. Because of that, you have reservations about the gift. Point out you’re not quite that high maintenance, and you don’t expect him to dig himself into a deeper hole to fulfill your desires. Promise to be more precise in your speech and do so.

It’s not a big hurdle. But it’s an opportunity for both of you to be mature and tend to your relationship, so it grows in healthy ways not dysfunctional ways. And all it takes is for you to be honest, speak up, and express what you feel to him.

And if you can’t do that, about this, something you have genuine concern about, what does that say about the future for your relationship?

Please, do everyone a favour, and just speak up.

(Myself, I had to learn to say, “I don’t need it, I don’t really want it, have no place for it, wouldn’t really use it, but isn’t it lovely?”, after admiring things in shops, or risk receiving it for Christmas!)

Saving money to spend when you are old and less likely to enjoy it is silly, IMO. Spend your money now while you can enjoy. Spend your later years paying it off. You will be old and weak and not want to leave the house anyway. You can just sit back and relax, reflecting on all of your amazing vacations and fun times you shared.

Don’t know how many times I saw the old dude being pushed around in his wheelchair by his wife, with O2 bottle in tow. I saw this at the Bahamas, in Italy and in London. All obviously American, and most likely saved up their whole life to go on that trip. What fun it must have been :rolleyes:
Should have gone earlier and spent the last 20 years paying off the card. It would have been a more enjoyable vacation for them, I’m sure.

I picked out 3 things

Please dont take offense, but, well played. You drop the hint, emphasize your want, show concern for cost, then rationalize, well, its his money…

Well played indeed. Unfortunately for you, you have some guilt now, and so you come here for your electronic absolution. While indeed it is his money, you understand the affordability issue to him. You played him like a Stradivarius.

My suggestion for you is quid pro quo. Spend a like amount on an outing for him on something he likes.

Wow. Just wow. Chip on shoulder much dude? (Pssst, your issues are hanging out all over.)

…while I say something intended and specifically phrased to offended you. Way too juvenile for this playground on both counts.

Got anything bordering on actual content or is that it?