So my girlfriend overheard me say nonchalantly a while ago I’d never been to Broadway, and wouldn’t mind going someday. So for my birthday she dropped several hundred $$$ on tickets, and booked a hotel in N. Jersey. This sounds great, except …
My gf is not very flush with cash in general. A month ago someone smashed the rear window on her car, and she has yet to get it fixed. She’s been driving around with plastic for a rear window. When I learned of this trip, I was surprised A) that she could afford such a thing, and B) she had not spent the money to fix her car, which I would’ve preferred she do rather than spend the money on me. I’m pretty uncomfortable getting gifts in general (I always feel reciprocal obligation, which I dislike) and I REALLY dislike getting expensive ones. A few years ago, my parents dropped $600 on an iPad for me as a Christmas gift, and I made them take it back.
So I asked her if she’d want me to tell the truth about how I feel, even if it wasn’t pleasant, and she said yes. Then I said I’d rather she spent the money to fix her car, and I wouldn’t feel right going on such a trip while she drove around with a tarp for a rear window. So she has now posted the tickets for sale online; hopefully she can get her money back. I am prepared to go if they don’t sell.
I thought I did what I should have done. Why do I feel guilty?
You did the right thing. If money is that tight, then expensive Broadway tickets shouldn’t be a consideration anyway. Life always has an ugly curveball to throw at you.
When I was younger, I can’t count the number of times I had to cancel trips because something came up, often car related.
However, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy some theatre. Most major cities have discounted tickets available, I often go to shows for around $50 here in Chicago. Also, many shows have low price ticket lotteries or special day of show discounts. Make a new post over in the Cafe and the theatre lovers will steer you in the right direction.
You did the right thing, but you feel bad because we’re conditioned not to reject gifts. That’s why people say “it’s the thought that counts,” to keep you from making it known that you are displeased with something you were given.
What you’ve done is obviously on its face a noble and unselfish thing, and I don’t think you should worry about feeling guilty just because there’s a superficial sense in which you feel like you’re being “ungrateful” for the gift.
But there’s a possible negative spin if she interprets your actions as a reluctance to be beholden to her for a large gift because you’re not committed to a relationship with her. If that’s really the case, that’s a separate reason you might feel guilty. If it’s not the case, you might want to clear the air with her on that.
I could hardly afford to fix her car, either!
(If there’s a misunderstanding about how close we are, we don’t live together, and have only been dating a few months.)
Another “right” thing would be for the OP to pay for the window to get fixed, provided he can afford such an expense. Or go halfsies on it or something.
Lizard,, I think if I were your girlfriend, I think I would feel embarrassed…like someone had reprimanded me for spending money the “wrong” way. Even though I’m not a birthday person, I understand what her mindset might have been. She might have been thinking that a broken window isn’t that big of a deal. It can be fixed whenever. But a loved one’s birthday deserves a special gift. Your girlfriend wanted to show you how much she loves and appreciates you. She wanted to share a wonderful experience with you. It’s fine if you don’t need an expensive gift to know she loves you, but givers enjoy giving. They aren’t burdened by it. That’s how they feel vested in the relationship.
I usually hate the saying “don’t steal someone’s blessings”, but I think it might be something to keep in mind.
I agree big time with aceplace57, too. How she spends **her **money, whether on you or someone else, is none of your business. But you are welcome to make her the gift of a new window.
I predict a bumpy road ahead for this relationship.
Personally, I would have accepted the tickets and said nothing about the rear window of her car. It is VERY difficult to learn to be graceful about accepting gifts like this, but I feel that it is awkward (and probably inappropriate, but that depends on the relationship) to point to a specific reason that she should not have acted as she did. She obviously knows that she needs a rear window and she made a choice. Similarly, I would never tell my friends that they should be spending money on landscaping their yard instead of going on a vacation.
OTOH, if it’s clear that she did this in a blatant effort to gain your affection, trust, or whatever, maybe you need to take some other action.
If someone gives you a gift the polite thing to do is accept it and thank the person. Or you can politely decline the gift and end it at that. You may disagree with how they spend their money, and you’d do things differently. But it’s not your money.
If you want to have a discussion with her about fixing her window, that’s fine, you should have that discussion. But it doesn’t make sense to tie it to her decision to give you an expensive gift. I believe you’re just trying to give her reasonable financial advice but it’s going to come off as you trying to control how she spends her money. It sounds like your relationship isn’t yet at the point where you can have that type of conversation yet.
Personally I’m not really sure how you have all that great of knowledge about the state of her financial affairs if you’re at the point in the relationship you claim to be. She could not want the back of her car fixed because she’s not inconvenienced at all by it. There are a few things that if I absolutely needed to get done I could pay for, that most people wouldn’t think twice about paying for, but for which I personally don’t see the big deal and simply don’t spend the money and put it into my brokerage account instead. I may be minorly inconvenienced by not having them dealt with, but they aren’t show-stopping things. That may be the case for her.
