Around 1986 or so, my car died and I had to give up a trip to Jazzfest in New Orleans. Still pissed off at that damn car. (although my friend brought me back a Neville Bros. tee shirt, which I still have.)
Reminds me of the time I spent $100 on roses for my ex and her response was: “You could have donated that money to charity”.
Driving a car with a tarp instead of a rear window is dangerous and probably illegal. It’s not clear if the accident happened first or the ticket buying. In my mind, that could make a difference.
I would be extremely uncomfortable with a $600 gift from someone I’d been dating just a few months. This sounds like the kind of thing you plan together. Or you might surprise someone with this sort of thing after you’ve been together for several years.
How is she acting? I think I’d suggest planning a similar event together. If neither of you Vann really afford a trip to NYC and a play without doing without something you need like a car window, this might take a few months to save for. And could be fun. Stream a movie and make a pizza at home instead of going out and put that money toward a vacation fund for next spring.
We had a Suzuki Sidekick (purchased used–long story) that died at inconvenient times. A friend I hadn’t seen in years was going to be on island, and we were going to meet her for dinner when the car’s computer gave up the ghost. We named the car Lucy, short for Lucille, as in “You picked a fine time to leave us.” We will always remember Lucy.
Lizard, If you aren’t that close, giving unsolicited advice about finances seems unwise.
I guess I’m in the minority. I think you should have accepted the gift.
What you did took away her joy.
mmm
The infield fly rule applies.
Telemark and Mean Mr. Mustard said what I came to say.
Because you’re considering her feelings and in general terms because you rejected a gift (which is generally considered bad manners in many cultures).
I think there wasn’t a simple clear-cut right thing to do and that either course of action could be more wrong or less wrong than the other, depending on how it was done.
So no, you’re not a bad person for doing what you did. A bad person would have been dismissive and critical of the person offering the gift. Which you haven’t been. Or they would have been resentful of the gift because they would have had to dismiss their own feelings to accept it without question. Which you haven’t been. You’re considering your feelings, her feelings and practicality. That’s a good thing, not a bad thing.
More talking might well be a good idea. With her, I mean. The gist being that your position stems from your own feelings and from practicality and is a rejection of the gift rather than a rejection of her gift (which is a lot more than the money - it’s her thinking of you when choosing the gift and the two of you sharing the trip). Which is true, or else you wouldn’t be feeling guilty.
Yes. I can think of a number of possible meanings or connotations to what she did. Some of them are good and speak highly of her as a person and/or as a girlfriend. But some of them are red flags of things that have the potential to be serious trouble spots if your relationship has a future.
Among the red-flag possibilities:
She’s very impulsive, at least in how she spends money.
She’s bad at handling money and prioritizing expenses.
She thinks she has to spend money on people to impress them or make them like her.
She wants you to feel indebted to her.
I’m not suggesting that any of these are necessarily true—I want to emphasize that they’re only possibilities. But if you foresee a future with this person, they’re things to think about and possibly talk over.
You are a keeper
You did the right thing
No. Her feelings are hurt and it’s likely she’s re-evaluating the relationship. She wanted to do something nice for the OP and he threw it in her face.
You were financially right, but IMO life is more about relationships and experiences than physical things. So if she really wanted to see a Broadway show I think in the long run that is more important than her rear window.
Maybe? Maybe she’s naturally impulsive and bought the tickets and gave them to him and then started freaking out about how broke she was. But she wasn’t willing to rescind the offer, because you don’t just take back gifts. I’ve known people who were generous to a fault and regretted it. Having someone recognize when you’ve gone overboard, but still respect the spirit in which the gift was offered, and work with you to find a more balanced way to use your resources could be the mark of a good partner.
It all comes down to how the conversation was handled, and the people involved, who I’m in no position to play armchair psychologist for. It could have been a wound in the relationship or a breath of fresh air. I’ve been back in the dating pond for the first time in a couple decades recently and I see dating profiles saying things like “I’m tired of doing everything for the men in my life and getting no appreciation or anything back.” Just like there are women who get mad at a man for spending a lot of money on a diamond engagement ring instead of a down payment on a home. It’s more about the people involved and how they communicate when they have a mismatch on priorities like this.
Enjoy,
Steven
She was excited to get you something special and thoughtful for your birthday and you rejected it. She almost certainly feels embarrassed and humiliated, regardless of whether she let on or covered it well.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you were in the wrong. If you felt this was too extravagant a gift after only a few months of dating, that’s a reasonable thing to tell her. But that shouldn’t have anything to do with whether she can afford it. If it’s too early for an extravagant gift, that should apply whether she’s poor or wealthy. And if you’re that early in the relationship you’re a bit presumptuous to say you know whether she should spend money this way.
I urge you to avoid focusing only on whatever your “logical” reasons are for not wanting the gift. People’s feelings matter, including yours, and sometimes it’s hard to balance your basic aversion to receiving gifts with how it makes others feel when you reject them. I’d guess your parents were pretty hurt when you made them take back the Ipad, too.
I was once in a similar, though not exactly the same, position. On the first Mother’s Day for my wife, I bought her a necklace pendant from her favorite jewelry designer. It wasn’t cheap but neither was it overly expensive for us either. Just a small indulgence for a special holiday. No bills would go unpaid, no debt would haunt us.
I presented it to her on Mother’s Day, she said it was lovely, and a half hour later when I returned to the bedroom she informed me she had looked up the price and wanted me to return it. I tried to take it well, saying I didn’t mind if she wanted to exchange it for something more of her liking. She was insistent that I return it because it was too expensive. It was flat, cold and I was shocked that she looked up the price as soon as my back was turned. This was a gift that meant far more to me than the money involved, but to her it was a financial transaction. I was devastated.
It got worse as I tried later to explain why this made me feel bad and she had no understanding or sympathy whatsoever. I tried once more by calling her before walking into the jewelry story and humiliating myself with the same salesperson who had gushed over what a nice gift it was for Mother’s Day. She never expressed any regret or concern over how this made me feel, despite my attempts to explain it to her. For the rest of our marriage I only bought her things she specifically told me to buy her for special occasions, which always saddened me because it robbed me of the joy of expressing my love for her in my own way (of course trying to please her with something she would like).
We’re not married anymore and I look back on that incident as very telling of the problems we had.
I’m not saying your situation is necessarily the same or that you’re cold like my wife turned out to be (you seem to have tried to be caring when you rejected the gift and you’re feeling guilty now), but I do think people should be very careful about rejecting someone’s gift and citing the cost as why. The other person can be quite hurt while you focus on what seems to you the obvious financial sensibility.
The other thing to note is that this gift was to be an an experience for both of you. It wasn’t some item she was handing to you and it was just yours to have and use or display. It was an experience she was going to have with you, to share with you, to create a memory for both of you. She was giving it to herself as much as to you. So by rejecting it, you told her she’s not going to go that Broadway show either and she’s not going to create a special memory with you. (She could go on her own or take someone else, but that’s not the same and not the point.)
And I’m not saying you’re wrong to have the attitude you have about receiving gifts. That’s your prerogative. But it sounds to me like you and this woman are on very different wavelengths with regards to gifts, and that can be symptomatic of some real incompatibility.
I would question her set of priorities. She apparently feels the desire to give you an expensive gift rather than spending it on what she should have done, get her car fixed.
Does she do this with other money issues? Does she buy pizza when she’s behind on her electric bill? Does she go shopping for new clothes when the cable bill is late? Or is this more of a “I Must Impress the Boyfriend” type of thing?
Dude you severely squelched her enthusiasm. It’s bad form to turn down gifts. For many people gift giving is their love language. By telling them that you don’t want their gift, is in a way, rejecting their love for you. I know that’s not what you’re intending, but it’s how it could be coming across, especially when you say that she’s disappointed with how things turned out.
So, no one yet brings up the adage “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”?
I feel the best way to have handled this is to have accepted the gift with enthusiasm, enjoyed the show, and then sometime AFTER all that talk through your feelings about it. Stressing things that are about you, not about her:
[ul]
[li]You are uncomfortable with expensive gifts.[/li][li]You care about her well being regarding the car.[/li][li]You acknowledge that you don’t want to sound like you are controlling her choices and that you struggle with feeling the need to.[/li][li]You value the relationship, but worry that this experience has uncovered subjects where you don’t share the same values, and that could contribute to relationship friction.[/li][/ul]
Whah?!? Are you suggesting he should bury her in the garden where the little dog pees? :eek:
To the OP, I think what you did was very patronizing and if I were her I’d be insulted. She has the right to live with an inconvenience in order to do something nice for you. You are not her parent, and its not your job to teach her money management.
It would be perfectly fine to say “Honey I so appreciate the amazing birthday present, but I’m worried about your safety driving around without that window. I’d be happier if you’d get me a new rear window for my birthday.” But that’s not what you said, because that’s not what you felt. You felt a need to correct her priorities and make the “right” decision for her. Blech!
Not everybody gives a crap about what their car looks like. I had one in my twenties that my friends called “Timex.” That car had so many dents and scratches that my Stepmother asked me to park it around the corner when I visited; she didn’t like her friends seeing it. So what? I still had the money to buy my brother a nice wedding present.
If the car is that beat up, she may not want to put any more money into it. She may just choose to drive it as is for as long as she can get away with it, and then trade it in. Or it may be that the insurance company will fix the car at their own shop, and she’s waiting to schedule it for a time when it would be convenient. (Like, say, a long weekend away.)
But you don’t know, because you didn’t put your concerns in the form of a question. You just made the decision for her.
It shows a lack of respect for her as an adult.
I don’t know. Neither I nor my wife have been in a position as adults where money was so tight we couldn’t afford the occasional car repair AND Broadway musical tickets. So take that into context. But are you really so destitute that you can’t enjoy your girlfriend’s gift?
Or to put it another way, would you rather look back on the memory of a Broadway show together or a few extra months of not driving around in a car covered with plastic and duct tape?