Maybe it is just me but what other reason is there to invite anyone to a “shower”? Showers serve only one purpose: to “shower” the bride (or mother-to-be) with presents. If the guests were being invited only to give their congratulations or socialize and share the happiness of the day with the bride, then it would be an engagement party or similar.
If the bride (or mother of the groom) wanted only the company of the OP she would have socialized at least once in the past 4 years or would have invited her for dinner (or some other type of party). There is no getting around the fact that an invitation to a shower is basically asking for a gift.
Male here, who found himself in some way over-the-top shower etiquette nonsense when we got married - you can certainly skip it, but make sure your husband knows the reason you’ll be using to skip it, and knows to stick to that story even if BF & fiancee roast him over a slow fire. He kind of dropped the ball in not letting you know ahead of time you’d be invited, but trust me, most of us knuckle-draggers have NO IDEA how much drama can surround all the pre-wedding activities.
I would say this is probably accurate. I am getting married this year and I would say that about 10% of our original invite list are people who we didn’t particularly want at the wedding but not inviting them would have seemed like we were trying to insult them. Most of those people understood the social song-and-dance that wedding related things tend to be and have declined to attend, leaving open the space for those people we really wanted to invite but didn’t have room for originally. For example, friends of my parents that I haven’t seen in ten years or more are on our invite list because their son invited my parents to his wedding and it would be an insult to them if they weren’t in turn invited to my wedding. They gracefully declined and I was able to instead invite a good friend and her boyfriend that I would really love to see at my wedding but would have understood not being invited if we hadn’t had enough room for them.
So what about all the other people saying it was likely just a polite gesture because her husband is in the wedding party?
I also find your pedantry on calling this a “shower” to be odd. A bridal shower is often just what the bridal party is called, especially if the party involves bringing gifts. That doesn’t mean the bride really cares if she gets a gift from you.
I really don’t see any reason to assume it was a gift grab. Even if everything you say is true, it doesn’t change the appropriate response, which has been offered many times in this thread. The only real question is whether to give a gift. I say, if you want to, do it. If you don’t, don’t. A gift should not be based on the worthiness of the person you give it to.
Sure, that is probably true in this case (although “polite” is questionable) but it’s a gift-grab nonetheless, as that is what a shower is all about, isn’t it?
Ummm no. It was specifically called a shower in the OP. There is a difference between an engagement party, a wedding party, a wedding reception, etc. A bridal (or baby) shower is a very specific thing…I don’t see the pedantry at all.
Including by me. (I already said skip the shower, send a gift, be polite, etc.) but thanks for condescending, you do it well.
Oh! I was confused because I thought you were responding to something I wrote. But this whole paragraph must refer to a different poster so I apologize.
For the record, as far as I am concerned there is only one right response, and no question about it (IMO) a gift in this situation is not based on nor should it be based on “worthiness” (who said such a thing?). The polite response to a shower invitation is always either RSVP, attend and bring a gift or send your regrets and send a gift. There is no polite way to decline giving a gift when one is solicited to do so (at least no polite way of which I am aware) while keeping with social norms.
You mention you didn’t really want to go to your own shower. But you did, didn’t you? Then you had a wedding, with more invitations (& more prezzies). Or did you elope to save everybody trouble?
You mention the groom is an old friend of your husband’s, but no longer his closest friend. Do you really want to make such a nice distinction? Are you sure the bride doesn’t like your husband? Do you want to sulk & make this a permanent feud?
Be a sport. Take a not-very-pricey present to the shower. Arrive on time & be polite. You can always leave fairly early unless, in fact, you actually enjoy yourself.
You complain that you won’t know anybody at the wedding–now’s the time to rectify that situation. You might find one person worthy of our time, even if the bride is busy with her presents. (You had a no-presents wedding shower?)
This sounds more like a problem you have in not wanting to socialize. You need to go since your husband is in the wedding party. They invited you and now you need to go unless they do something horrible to you. Social obligations are not always fun, and missing this is also going to score negative points with your husband.
I’m voting that while there may be some elements of a gift grab (after all, it’s a shower), if your husband is in the wedding party, inviting you to the bridal shower is not unreasonable.
But just because the invite is reasonable, doesn’t mean you have to attend the shower if you generally dislike them. Send a modest gift with your regrets.
Do go to the wedding, things may be less miserable than you expect, and even if they aren’t, not going shifts the burden of awkwardness towards your husband.
People aren’t invited to wedding showers, just because they know the bride. You are invited because you know the groom. Go or don’t go, but it is proper ettiquette to send a gift to the shower if you are invited. This does not absolve you from getting a wedding gift also.
You should attend the wedding merely because you are with your husband who is in the wedding party.
I have a real problem with the idea that recieving an invitation to something OBLIGATES you to attend. Especially with something like a Shower, where many people who actually know the Bride attend as much or more to be polite than out of true expectations of enjoying themselves.
This is rather off-topic but your post for some reason made me think of a The King of Queens episode when Carrie was a bridesmaid (or maybe maid of honor) for a friend with whom she was no longer close.
She said (paraphrasing) I just have to throw the bachlorette party, host the wedding shower, give her nice wedding gift, stand up at the wedding, dance at the reception, then hopefully I will never have to see her again!
I always kind of wonder if situations like this are going to end up that way. After all, if after 4 years your “best friend’s” wife still hasn’t met your fiance, the future social scene involving the four of you seems rather dim.
Due to my husband’s job, I am the recipient of many such “courtesy invites” each year. I am also a shy person who is very uncomfortable with gatherings where I know no one (or only one or two people) so I would rarely consider actually attending such events. The last 3 bridal showers I was invited to, I knew not a soul- no way was I going to be there! It might show good sportsmanship and it might look good for my husband had I actually attended, but I prefer to think that they knew and I knew that it wasn’t really me they wanted and my (expected) regrets that I could not attend (but a gift sent) left them with room (and catering budgets) for those whose company they truly did seek.
I don’t think the invite is necessarily a gift grab – my sister, who is extremely sweet and not at all grabby, agonized over her guest list, and finally included a bunch of people from the groom’s side who she barely knew at the recommendation of the mother-of-the-groom.
That said, if I were you, I would not show up. I’d convey my thanks for thinking of me and wish them well, but really, buying a gift and attending a party for someone you have never met is a bit too much to expect.
The custom is to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding to the shower.
This is not to grub gifts (although I suppose that could be a by-product) but because snubbing people is rude.
Obviously, if you hate showers, don’t go - just be sure to RSVP in a timely fashion. However, the other posters who have pointed out that it’s an opportunity to meet other people who will be at the wedding is true - if you don’t want to sit alone not knowing anyone, why don’t you go meet some people?
Where I’m from, it’s not typical to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding to the shower, but rather have a small luncheon for close family and friends. Oddly enough, on the other side of the city I live in, it seems to be the custom to do so, though, and I’ve been to HUGE showers in rented halls. So, either way, you can’t assume that someone is being rude (excluding people isn’t necessarily a snub, inviting everyone isn’t necessarily a gift-grab)…it just depends on the culture the bride is from.
Anyway, I don’t think you have to go. Sometimes, people have other engagements and can’t make it anyway…it’s no big deal if you are not close to the bride.
Not in my experience. I’m surprised, that you of all people, would state that there is one custom for who you’d invite to the wedding shower.
Anyway, of course they invited you. You’re the spouse of a groomsman. I agree with the others. RSVP. If you don’t attend, sending a gift is up to you. Attend the wedding.
I’m a guy, but from reading the etiquette columns regularly, I understand it’s inappropriate for a family member to throw a bridal shower. I thought it was supposed to be hosted by a friend.
You are correct, but that line was breached so long ago that it is very rarely considered “bad form” any more. Personally, as a fan of old-school etiquette (because that’s how I was raised) I wish we could go back to that.
It is tacky (in the rules of etiquette, not by most of today’s customs) for a family member to host any sort of shower, and it is tacky to include gift registries in the invitation (but this is also widely done these days) and it is also tacky to include a phrase stating “no gifts, please” (because that says that you expected the invitee to consider a gift, when in reality you are supposed to pretend that no thoughts of gifts ever crossed your mind as even a possibility) and the list of tackiness goes on and on, but is mostly considered okay these days and those of us who still practice formal etiquette are considered out of touch or tacky ourselves for not following the newer accepted customs.
In short, wedding etiquette is a mine field. As long as you do what your social peers do, you are probably okay. Customs do change and as long as you adapt for your particular scene, it probably will not be impolite in the long run.
As long as you do what your social peers do, you are probably okay. Customs do change and as long as you adapt for your particular scene, it probably will not be impolite in the long run. 