I agree, but if Wilbo523 is correct in saying “proper ettiquette to send a gift to the shower if you are invited”, it would explain some of the more bewildering shower-type invitations I’ve received. (I’m picturing a frenemy musing, “PotLuck and I have mutual friends but don’t like each other, so if I invite her to my shower she won’t show up but will HAVE to send me a present – score!”)
Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to back up a little about the bridal shower invitees being every woman invited to the wedding. I know that this is becoming more accepted in some places but I defer again to old-school notions, and even modern etiquette dictates that this should not be done. Here is one etiquette site’s explanation:
Source: The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette | | TopWeddingSites.com
Where on earth did you get this idea? It is absolutely not true.
Sending a gift when you can’t / won’t attend is a lovely gesture, but no one is EVER obligated to give a gift simply because they were invited to a shower. Nor should the bride expect gifts from people who were invited but declined the invitation. That would be absurd.
No. The reverse of this is true: anyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the wedding. Showers should be limited to family, close friends and members of the wedding party. This can be extended to spouses of wedding party members.
<slight hijack>
Want an example of an obvious gift grab?
The other day Mr. S handed me a baby shower invitation that had come in the mail. It was for his sister’s son’s girlfriend.
Mr. S has avoided this sister completely ever since he finally got her off his back for pestering him for her share of the “inheritance” after his father died. (Hint: There was barely an estate, mostly debts. The whole family lived dirt-poor, but apparently “Dora” thought there were some sort of hidden riches.) We bump into her about once every ten years at family events.
Her first husband is in prison, and her second and current husband should be, but just hasn’t been caught for anything imprisonable yet. They live in squalor and both have rap sheets a mile long. Several years ago, Dora called us up out of the blue and wanted us to take her teenage son (on whom we have never laid eyes) into our home because the gang kids in his school district were harassing him. No and HELL no. Dora had taken advantage of other family members with regard to her kids before, and we were NOT getting sucked in.
This is the kid (OK, by now he’s probably in his 20s) whose girlfriend is pregnant. (I would lay money that she is merely a girlfriend and not wife because I haven’t been invited to a wedding shower.) Obvious gift grab.
The shower is being thrown by the kid’s sister, and only Mr. S’s name appeared on the envelope. So technically, I gleefully informed him, HE was invited, not me. ( I doubt that any of these people could pick me out of a lineup, and vice versa. Ditto for Mr. S. Obviously they don’t even know my NAME!) In this old-schooler’s book, shower guests should at the very least have a passing acquaintance with the honoree, and at best should be close family and friends only.
I’m going to break with my usual adherence to etiquette and not even THINK of RSVPing to this. We do not want to engage with these people AT ALL.
</slight hijack>
In the OP’s situation, I would probably either suck it up and go (and make him take me out for an expensive dinner and drinks afterward 
), or send a nice gift and gracious regrets.
Actually it is true that it is proper etiquette to send a gift if you are invited. However that is predicated on the hostess following the proper etiquette of inviting only the closest friends of the bride. It is then assumed that as a close friend of the bride, nothing short of wild horses or emergency root canal will keep you from attending, in which case you would still want the bride to receive the gift into which you put much thought and love to ensure it was the perfect choice and exactly what your good friend needs and will love. So you would make arrangements (possibly from your hospital bed) to ensure that the gift arrived in your absence.
These days however when the guest list includes women that the bride may only know of through their second cousin, twice removed on their step-mother’s side of the family, you are correct that it is up to the invitee to choose whether or not to send a gift at all (but sending regrets if declining the invitation is not optional) though most will still err on the side of caution and send at least a token gift whether they truly want to or not, and such a gesture is considered the polite response.
Wow. Just wow. Given that, I don’t think any of the practitioners of “proper etiquette” would blame you for not acknowledging the invite. And your SIL, given her own stellar social skills will certainly not even know that you are falling out of step. 
I try really hard not to go somewhere that I really don’t want to go. So far, it has been a successful and rewarding strategy.
Either way, i would send a gift - as a gesture of wishing them good will in their life together.
As for my shower - yes I did eventually have one, out of pressure from my MIL and some btidesmaids, but everyone invited was a close personal friend or family member.
I would go to the shower. I can’t promise that you’ll enjoy it and kind of doubt that you will. However, some people get hurt or offended when you don’t attend their showers, and you don’t want that hanging over your husband’s and BF’s relationship for years to come. So, personally, I’d suck it up as one of those unpleasant social obligations I attend just to prevent future issues.
I do think you were invited since your husband is in the wedding party.
I would go to the shower. Your husband needs you to be there for him as he is best man. You might have a good time and like her. Even if you don’t like her just have a good time. He would do it for you if it was your best friends wedding.
I don’t mind doing something for the ones I love once in a while even if I don’t want to. I just helped my son put up blinds and I did it for him because he needed my help. He just doesn’t have the knack of reading directions and using a screw driver.
You can make this fun. Use this as an excuse to go shopping and get a great dress and shoes and a new bag. Also get your hair and nails done while your at it.
I’m in the “make an appearance” camp. Will her hubby to be, be there, or close by? If so, rope your hubby into going. Schedule something else for the same day; so you have a reason to leave after a bit.
Huh - interesting. I was married recently and my MOH invited all the ladies invited to the wedding to the shower 'cus she said that was what you were supposed to do.
Mind you, there were only about 12 ladies at the shower and 5 of them were immediate family, probably because there were only about 15 ladies invited (small wedding).
Maybe that’s what she on about? Small wedding invite everyone? Oh well, no one seemed to mind and there was ice cream cake so hopefully that made up for any etiquette faux pas.
To me, if you’re going to give a gift for the shower, you might as well go and have whatever food is served. It’s something to do and it seems like your husband expects you to do it. Don’t embarrass him.
Probably with such small wedding you are right, and since it was mostly family I’d consider it well within the boundaries anyway. It is really only a faux pas if it is for your social circle anyway. So if everyone you know has always done it that way, then you can too without cause for embarrassment. It’s only when you get someone like me who was has had Emily Post and Ms. Manners et al drilled into their heads since birth that it is even given a second thought. 
For most social occasions, etiquette is “go with the flow” or follow the examples you have been given. The whole point of having “rules” is so that other people know what to expect and are comfortable with it. If following the old-school rules of etiquette becomes uncomfortable or confusing to your guests, then it defeats the purpose entirely.
We chatted about it last night, and he would be very disappointed if I didn’t go - so I am going.
I am going to get a new outfit though!
Didn’t those etiquette rules originate during a time in which, in many cases, the bride and groom, wedding party, and guests all lived in the same town (or within driving distance)? Today, in a lot of cases, the bride and her friends live far away from where the wedding will taking place. If the bride attended an out-of-town college, her friends may be scattered all over the country. Practically speaking, it’s harder for her friends to plan a shower from out of town without the help of the bride’s family, and it’s often not feasible for in-town family and friends to attend a shower that’s held out-of-town, although they probably want to attend the shower. (IMO some showers are fun social occasions and not just gift-grabbing, but that’s another story.) It used to be easier for guests to find a convenient time to talk to the bride’s mother about what color would be right for the couple’s kitchen or bathroom items. I didn’t use a registry for my wedding, which was a while ago, but bridal registries were pretty common at that time and I think some guests thought it was strange that we didn’t use one. So, basically, whatever the bride and groom choose to do about it, some people will question the decision. Given the way that our society has changed, the newer, more flexible social conventions make sense to me.
Oops, I quoted the wrong post in my answer, but the point is basically the same. In that case, the person giving the shower can’t win. If only 15 women are invited to the wedding, someone might feel snubbed if she is not invited to the shower, given the small group size. If all of the women are invited, someone will be thinking that’s a faux pas and a gift grab. That stuff makes my head hurt.
I’d send a big bouquet from you and your husband the day before the shower (not the day of – it’ll seem less special among the presents).
No not really. There are no etiquette rules barring the family helping coordinate a shower (or any party where there is the (hopefully unspoken) expectation of gifts) there is only the admonishment that the family members should not be the hosts. The reasons for this have nothing to do with out of town family and guests, it has to do with seeking gifts for your relative (so in a sense gifts for yourself since anything the guests provide will be one less thing the mother/father/sister/brother will have to buy the guest of honor to start them in their new life).
Of course in that same vein, bridal showers at all can be considered (but are not and I am not making this judgment) crass altogether. Not only is a shower a party with the sole purpose of providing gifts, but the origination of the tradition began in a time when it served a function which has largely been lost. Once upon a time, new brides went into a marriage with nothing but the contents of their hope chest and no experience running a household and living as an adult. In those cases a shower was useful to provide linens, towels, kitchen items and all sorts of things that would be necessary to make a home. These days most brides (or grooms) have already established a household and are not in dire need of sheets or pots and pans etc. and are (usually) capable of obtaining the items that they do need on their own. So the need to shower a bride with gifts is no longer really there, but brides (and most everyone) do love to get gifts so the tradition lives on.
Registries are another area that were tacky, but became accepted, and have outlasted their original purpose. I doubt they will go away any time soon, and modern etiquette grudgingly accepts them but begs the registrants to please not disclose or make any mention at all of gift registries in the invitation (and the registrants should never mention the registry at all- that job would fall again to the MOH or a friend of the bride and groom). Proper etiquette is for the guests wishing to make use of the registry to find out on their own and discreetly if the couple is registered and if so where. The usual accepted course of action is to telephone the MOH or a mutual friend and ask them about it. The bride (and groom) should pretend total cluelessness about gifts at all. As far as the rest of the world is concerned they should not expect them, not want them and be totally surprised that anyone even thought to give one (and of course then send personal and handwritten thank you notes to each guest).
Etiquette is tricky and persnickety but it does have its reasons and makes things flow a bit smoother even if it is more complicated in the long run.