Wow, I can see that you’ve really thought about this. 
Well, another interesting point (sort of off topic - sorry OP) - the Mr. and I registered at the Bay ('cus that’s what people in Canada do) and made no mention of it anywhere in the invite or anywhere else.
We got REAMED for it by loads of people. ‘Are you not registered?’ ‘You should have registered!!!’ When I said that we were registered at the Bay (pretty hard to be coy when you’re getting yelled at) I was told I should have included the info in the invites. When I said that I believed that was not really an etiquette approved action I was asked how on earth people where suppose to know if I didn’t tell them. When I suggested that perhaps they could inquire with my MIL, Mother or MOH there was shocked outrage.
So really, the bride can’t win. The groom can’t win. The MOH (or shower host) can’t win. Someone is gonna be pissed and think you’re a classless buffoon, regardless of what you do.
<Nodding solemnly> Etiquette classes…with tests!
Sorry, OP, to continue off topic too…
But, Alice, you and your mister were exactly right! You have my (and Ms. Manners’) seal of approval. 
One interesting aside is that the prevalence of wedding (web) sites has caused the etiquette gurus to update their advice and it is considered acceptable to post a link to the online gift registry on your site (but not the home page). The whole idea is that you don’t look like you are asking for gifts, or worse telling guests exactly what gifts to buy (even if you kind of are…it’s all about appearances).
I guess it probably is of little comfort to know that they were in the wrong. It’s hard when everyone else isn’t playing by the rules. It would be a bit passive aggressive but I would be tempted to pass out Miss Manners on Weddings on the next gift-giving occasion. Really I would just suck it up, but that has to be difficult!
Yup, now you’ve got it. You could do everything exactly by the book, and there will be those who criticize it or you could do everything willy-nilly and there will be others who are outraged. As long as you follow whatever customs are the norm for your peer group or even if you don’t but just do things the way you want to without being overtly rude, then you are probably in good shape. 
I’ve decided that rather than calling it a wedding they should call it a “piss off the smallest possible number of people” contest. Everyone is upset about every decision I make regarding my wedding. People are offended I’m not wearing a veil and shocked that we aren’t having a standard tiered cake, etc. We’ve taken to saying to those people in our families who complain that we will be glad to elope tomorrow and they don’t have to come to Vegas and join in the frivolities which seems to shut people up pretty quickly, but man there is a lot of complaining from a few people who only need to show up, clap at the end of the ceremony and get drunk on our dime.
Anticipating the complaints about the registry we set up online registries and put a link to them on our website and then listed our website URL at the bottom of the invitation. If you visit the site there are pictures of us and all sorts of wedding information and at the bottom left there is a small link for registries. We figure that is discreet enough to keep people from complaining and obvious enough for people to be able to find the information if they choose to get us a gift. It is still probably wrong etiquette-wise but it created the least amount of complaining.
In my experience in the US, most people register at Crate & Barrel and/or Macy’s or possibly wedding.com. So the last time I heard about an acquaintance getting married, I just looked at these websites to check if they were registered, and sure enough they were. So if The Bay is the go-to place in Canada for wedding registries, I would think that your friends and family would just check the website.
Ain’t that the damn truth? And the fewer demands you make on people, the more they seem to bitch at you. People who would say nothing at all to someone who demanded $300 bridesmaid outfits and multiple showers and many, many hours of work, will bitch endlessly at someone who wants them to show up (or not), wearing whatever they want, and hang out.
I got bitched at for the location of our wedding, for not having attendants and thus requiring people to attend, for not having a dress code, for having a cake in a flavor we both like, for the style of ceremony we had, for the food at the reception, for the way the tables were laid out…I don’t even remember all the picayune bullshit people bitched at me about. All I really remember is that by the wedding I honestly believed if just one more person said anything negative to me, I was going up a clock tower with a rifle.
I am mildly curious about things like these.
A sorta-party, excuse to have a good time, where you don’t really know any of the people.
When did this become a thing to fear, rather than an excuse to, maybe just maybe, meet a few interesting new people?
I mean sure, if you knew the woman and didnt really like her that would be one thing, but as I read it you don’t know anything about them. The whole shower could be a fucking riot, one of the best nights craic of your life. Or it could be crap.
Whats the harm in finding out?
Because sadly, most showers just aren’t all that fun, and it’s exacerbated when you don’t know anyone well. In my experience, they aren’t like parties, really. Some CAN be fun, but most wind up being somewhat stilted affairs that all follow the same loose structure.
For one, they’re usually midday on a weekend. You eat a light lunch.
The attendees are all women, with ages ranging from junior bridesmaids to grandmother of the groom, so there’s a certain sense of propriety and decorum. There may or may not be alcohol, but if there is, no one gets drunk or even noticably tipsy.
You play stupid party games, like making a bridal gown out of toilet paper or playing bingo based on words relating to the bride and groom. I don’t know of anyone who actually truly enjoys these things, honestly, but they do offer a way to get to know other people there, and it passes the time.
Then there’s the Great Gift Opening, where everyone gathers in a circle and watches the bride open gifts one by one.
The closest people tend to get to actually letting loose is if there’s lingerie or anything off-color amongst the gifts. And then everyone cackles and teases the bride and then that gift gets set down so the next one can be opened.
In short, they can be fun, but knowing other people really helps make them fun. You have to be willing to socialize, make a ton of small talk, and dive into the activities on hand, all with people who do not normally hang out together and are on their very best behavior for the occasion.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me the answer would be from birth. I am shy and don’t care to socialize with people I have never met, especially if I don’t have a friend or husband with me to lean on. I can think of nothing as dread-inducing or nerve-wracking as being forced to make small talk (or worse talk about myself) with people I am unfamiliar with.
Unless it is some outrageously different party than what I am used to, there will be little time to get to know the guest of honor. If you didn’t know her before, you’d probably leave without knowing still if you liked her, despised her or had anything in common at all. The same is true for other guests as well. There will likely be little time to get to know anyone at all. If you arrive as a stranger, chances are good that you will leave as one.
For me there is nothing about a room full of strangers, and nothing they could do (or I could do) that would make it a good time, ever. They could all be perfectly nice people who I may one day count amongst my closest friends, but that is not happening within the couple hours of a bridal shower and I’d probably be so anxious that it wouldn’t even set the stage for future get-togethers or conversation.
Maybe social butterfly types could pull it off, but for me…I shudder just thinking about it. If I absolutely had to go for some reason, then I would and I would be polite and as charming as possible, but you can bet that when I got home I would have to decompress from all the stress that it caused me.
Thankfully, there is no obligation, social or otherwise, to attend a shower for a stranger (and technically you should never be invited at all, being a stranger) and a card, gift and sincere regrets will satisfy all but the most 'zillaish of bridezillas.
Hell, the regrets don’t even have to be all that sincere, “I am so sorry that I will be unable to attend” or “It is with regret that I inform you I will be unable to attend” covers that part nicely, with no loss of social grace nor social obligation.
To the OP: I decided not to read this thread, solely because of all the double returns. It’s really annoying.
Diss the shower.
You don’t know this woman, she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t like your husband. The cake at the shower will be second rate. Send the gift.
Take something to read at the wedding. Your husband doesn’t seem to have a clue as to a wedding shower’s torments for those who don’t know anybody there. If he thinks it’s so great, send him.
Best wishes,
hh
I’ll answer the question. She can find out right now. It will be crap.
best wishes,
hh
Her husband doesn’t need her to be there for him…he wasn’t invited. Being best man has nothing to do with the shower. It would be sad if she became friends with a woman that doesn’t like her husband.
He wouldn’t do it for her if it was her friend’s wedding, because men don’t go through the faux friendliness parties w/o having liquor or strippers there.
Best wishes,
hh
Shouldn’t you, at least consider, that this woman invited you to the shower, at least in part, because she hasn’t seen you in 5 years and might like to?
Isn’t it just possible that these women have included you because they have heard you are a charmer/knock out/nice person? Couldn’t they just want to become acquainted with you, before the wedding, so you’ll be more at ease at the wedding?
Isn’t it just possible that you’ll go to the shower and fall in with a small pocket of warm and inviting women you’ll be glad to spend the wedding day, in the company of? It’s 2 hrs out of your life, and it seems as if these people like you, so go and try to be open and have fun.
Anyone who REAMS you on points of etiquette has lost all right to have an opinion in the debate. In fact, its probably a good idea to do the opposite of everything that they ever say on the topic.
When I got married it was “oh, I’m sorry. I thought most people knew that almost everyone registers at Dayton’s and Target. You couldn’t find it there?” Which forces them to admit that they didn’t even go through the basics of checking at what was then the Minnesota equivalent of The Bay.
I see the OPer has already decided, but my take on the matter is yes to the wedding, decline the shower. A shower is supposed to be an intimate gathering of close friends and I’d feel completely out of place. The connection is between the men and the bride has deliberately discouraged furthering the connection to include the women by declining the OP’s dinner invitations.
I would, however, send a lovely gift for their wedding because the groom is friends with my husband, and make an effort to attend.
We don’t know why the couple hadn’t met. Is the bride really stuck up? Or is she shy, like some of the painfully delicate flowers who have posted here?
The OP was invited to the shower because her husband is part of the wedding party. No, not all showers are intended for “intimate” friends. The OP had a shower–& a wedding. She’s decided to do the civilized thing & take part in social gatherings similar to the ones organized for her. She might have fun. Or she might come back with some interesting stories!
True. But I would certainly understand if she didn’t decide to go. As I get older and busier, my free time is becoming more and more sacred to me. Wedding showers, Pampered Chef parties, etc., hosted or in honor of people I barely know just don’t make the cut anymore. YMMV.
Maybe the OP isn’t all that old. Maybe she’s even capable of getting to know new people.