Bucking Fusses: A public transportation rant

The BBQ Pit
1

'Scuse me! Coming through!

Of course I was using “you” in the generic, but lady, that does include you. I appreciate that it’s pretty much standing room only, but when you’re holding the pole at fully-extended arm’s length while the rest of you clogs the aisle, it really would be safe – honest – to assume that when the bus stops and a crowd of people gets on, most of them are probably going to want to get past you to the twelve feet of empty aisle you’re guarding. Oh that’s nice. You shuffled forward six inches as if there was something in front you preventing you from actually taking a full step.

Oh that’s nice. There’s an unoccupied window seat. And its inviting, vast emptiness is being jealously guarded by an ignoramus with an iPod in the aisle seat it’s attached to. Afraid you’ll catch a little sun, funk soul brother? Is the glass the wrong shade of clear? Or maybe you prefer staring at someone’s crotch as they hang on to the bars beside you, too polite to ask you to move so they can sit down next to you.

Well isn’t this a surprise. The two side-facing seat sets near the back of the bus are occupied. One by your arse, the opposite by your Nikes. And you don’t even seem to notice anything was amiss until I bumped into your legs. I guess that beanie you’re wearing is restricting blood flow to your cerebellum. And you – the wench next to beanie boy. You’re perfectly entitled to your seat, of course, but I’m pretty sure little overgrown pocketbook with handles doesn’t actually need to sit its ass down in its own seat. Not that you care or anything – throngs of approaching people don’t seem to give you the impression that maybe you should, you know … move it. Unless you’re carrying a solid bar of Uranium-232 in that thing. Then I might be inclined to forgive you.

Well, there seems to be one avaialble seat. Right in the middle at the rear. Unfortunately it’s flanked by people with an odd condition I can only assume is called Elbows Akimbo, because there’s about ten inches of space between your elbow on to the left of the seat, and the other guy’s elbow to the right. But you know what? Bugger it all. I’m sitting there anyway. I’m fairly certain you can find another place for those elbows.

Okay, I wasn’t exactly thinking that “another place” meant “brought three inches in.” I must look pretty absurd, squeezed into this spot as I am, hands folded in my lap in an effort to keep my own elbows to myself – hey, you two, it’s called leading by example. Not that I expect anyone to actually pay any attention or, y’know … think.

Bleargh. What’s that smell? Oh. It’s you. You with the – what the hell is that? – sandwich. Good God. It smells like feet. I mean army-platoon-after-a-thirty-mile-march feet. With Lucifer’s Toe Jam. I would actually have been happier if it was your feet, but whatever it is you’re eating it.

I need a car.

2

Until you ride the rush hour busses in Brooklyn, Queens, and/or the Bronx, the bastard step-children* of NYC’s Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA), you do not know bus-riding hell.

*All of NYC’s public busses are the step-children of the MTA; outside of Manhattan, they’re also bastards.

3

Sing it sister!

–Cliffy

4

Lucifer’s Toe Jam: band name!

5

Except maybe for Staten Island, do you really have to endure long city bus rides in NYC? I’d have thought that with that subway system it wouldn’t happen very often. Length of the ride is an important point, because the thing is: crowding’s not the issue, or shouldn’t be; you expect a big city bus system to have crowded buses. It’s the length of time you’re stuck on that bus that’s the issue.

6

God, my blood pressure just went up reading that. And since I moved back from Chicago, I haven’t had to us pubtrans (thanks for that word, Kyla!) for over a year.

7

Depends on where one is going. To use me as an example, if I am going downtown Manhattan, there is no bus ride, but if I’m going into midtown, I get a short ride*. My daughter, when she goes to HS next year, will have a longer ride, as there is no subway service near her prospective HS.

*This morning, my short (~10 minute) ride took 40 minutes; most of it waiting on the bus. Two packed-to-the-gills busses passed the stop without stopping. I was finally able to get on the third. It was packed so tight, I won’t be suprised if I get a subpeona for a paternity test in 9 months.

8

I’ll admit I probably haven’t been subjected to the worst of transit systems, but I’m rather pissed at Mississauga Transit ever since they scaled back the service while simultaneously raising the price. Twice. In as many years. My bus used to run once every 10 minutes. Now it’s every 15. And it used to have nothing but those extended busses – being that my regular bus is on the single busiest route in the city it was pretty necessary – plenty of room on those. Now it doesn’t. At all. But they added another route! One that short-turns halfway from its destination and which has exactly two passengers riding it by the time it gets to my stop. But since it travels exactly two stops from where I get on before turning back it’s completely useless to me.

Dumbass morons running the transit system I tell you. Get rid of that useless extra route, put the long busses back on the main route, and guess what? Seats for everybody! Or is that too logical?

9

[SNL]Lucifer’s Toe Jam-with a name like that, it has to be good![/SNL]

10

The DC Metrobus system has a red-lining scam in my neighborhood – they avoid running buses to the local Metrorail station and instead run “express” (which actually stop every block just like every other bus) buses to the Pentagon, thus enabling them to charge $3.00 instead of $1.35 to get to the rail system.

11

Oh man, I love those deluded souls who sit in the aisle and put their purse on the the other seat, as if they are somehow going to get to have their own whole seat on a standing room only bus. I make it my special duty seek them out, glare until the let me in (and if they don’t offer to stand up so I can get in, I’m not going to take special precautions to hop over them carefully) and make sure to keep my headphones turned up, my legs occupying my rightful space well and hope my BO travels. Selfish assholes.

12

That’s just retarded. We didn’t have anything that obvious, but years ago when I lived in Concord (Vaughan) just north of Toronto, there was a bus that went to and from a subway station. The problem was that where this bus went only just barely dipped into Vaughan territory – not even a mile. That’s okay though because that’s where I lived. Except for the priviledge, they charged you two fares instead of one – one for your little jog through Vaughan’s butt cheek, the other for entering Toronto proper. I always thought that was a ripoff – especially since there were no Vaughan busses that served anywhere near that area.

I tend to be one of those “too polite” folks, but sometimes if I’m tired, there’s too many people standing, and the aisle seat is occupied by some obviously self-important wench with her faux fur winter ensemble and matching Prada handbag, I’ll make a point of excusing my way in. Those types never actually move any more than absolutely necessary to give you a three inch berth to get through, so I make no particular effort to keep my bag, coat, or indeed my ass out of their face as I pass. Garbage in, garbage out, hun.

Actually, probably the ones that piss me off the most are the ones who, despite entering a sardine-packed bus that clearly doesn’t even have elbow room from front to back, still insist on squeezing through the tiniest cracks in the crowd. Where in the hell do they think they’re going to be able to get? Did they see some wormhole appear out of someone’s buttcrack? It’s bad enough being on a bus where the only handle you have to keep yourself upright is someone else’s arm, but when some brainless yobbo forces everyone to huddle so closely together you can tell the gender of the person behind you without looking, I just wanna slap 'em.

13

Total hijack, but I hate when I’m at a sardine-packed concert, and I see an opening and push and squeeze my way to it, only to find it’s someone hunched to the floor smoking a “cigarette”…grrrr.

14

You want public transportation rush-hour hell? One word: Shinjuku.

All I can say for it is at least the people are nice and the trains run on time. However, it does give a different meaning to the word “pusher” as it relates to those that hang out at the train station.

15

Living in Miami for 4 years made me appreciate Spanish public transportation. Even for the night bus, the longest scheduled time between buses isn’t higher than 20 min. At busy times it can be as low as 5min.

It’s nice… you’re at the bus stop, and someone who’s been there for less than 5 minutes starts whining that the bus is taking too long, and I say “try one hour between buses” “uh? one hour? they’re NOT taking one hour, are they?” (they look at the traffic, no way, it would have to be bumper-to-bumper for buses to take so long, it’s not) “not here, thanks God, but I lived in Miami for a while and that was the scheduled time - I’m sure you know no bus has ever run on schedule” “oh. My. God. One hour! One whole hour? In theory?” By the time they recover from the stun, their bus has already arrived :slight_smile:

16

Earlier this week, on a packed redline express train in the city, I got the sheer entertainment of shaming a young man into giving up his seat to the grossly pregnant lady trying valiantly not to fall over.

I nudged him with my foot - firmly - and when he looked up and peeled his earbuds out of his ears I gestured at the lady with my chin and said “Don’t you think she should sit down?”

At least he looked embarassed.

More than I can say for the 30-something suit-wearing businessman next to him fascinated by his Blackberry.

17

Aangelica, perhaps you feel you shamed him. He may have noticed the woman and not stood up; I don’t know, I wasn’t there. If that was the case, you are probably right.

In both of their defense though, I know that once I’m on the train/bus, I become oblivious to everyone else. Whether it’s a pregnant woman, Angelina Jolie, or Jesus Christ reincarnated, I’m not paying attention to them. I’m paying attention to what I’m reading or listening to. Doesn’t matter whether I’m standing or sitting. I’ll notice movement at stations in my periphal vision, just enough to get out of the way if needed.

18

Aw come ON guys! You’re all *doing * it wrong!

Invade her space. Repeatedly. Stand as close to her as you can possibly get. Trust me, she’ll move somewhere sensible. This tactic also works in reverse for those morons who decide to lean their full body against the polls us mortals use to hang onto. You need to get your hand on the poll just above their shoulder and with every lurch of the bus slip it down more. Make sure it’s your knuckles that’s digging into them cos it’s more uncomfortable. :smiley: And stand really, really close. An unblinking stare is also good. As is breathing on their face.

um…as a minor aside, i do know a lot of people (women especially) prefer to sit on the outside seat so that nobody can trap them in by the window. Even though it’s a crowded bus that doesn’t stop some guys trying to molest a woman. I offered in a very loud voice to cut his hand off since you ask. He declined as he suddenly realised that this was his stop. :wink:

However, to deal with it just do as others have mentioned and breeze on by them. Disregard the fact that you might trample them as you squeeze in. If possible pause while your ass is in their face. This is not (obviously) to inconvenience them but to allow you to swing your bag off your shoulder. What was that strange thunk and muffled cry just then? Oh, never mind just sit down now.

Huh? What are you on about? Just sit DOWN dammit. If it looks like a seat and doesn’t have a person on it then it’s for sitting. Never mind what breakables might be already on it - and trust me, feet are veeeery breakable if someone sits on 'em with enough force - just get your butt on the chair. For Beanie-boy you might need to wriggle some to let him have his legs back cos they will be uncomfortable to sit on. Most bags are not uncomfortable and make a lovely cushionh (unless they contain ice cream) so you can safely turn into your own version of the ‘ignoramous with an iPod’ and gaze happily out of the window while you are oblivious to Wench. Never make eye-contact in this game or you will be forced to acknowledge you are sitting on her stuff.

SHAME ON YOU!!! There’s that poor passenger who has been kicked so hard in the chest/crotch that their breasts/testicles are swollen and they can’t sit comfortably. You should not sit there seething at these unfortunates but instead should show some kindness and enquire if it hurts much. They might look puzzled but reassure them that you understand they have been kicked in the bollocks and that this is why they need to sit with their legs so wide apart. It might be noisy on the bus so you’ll have to raise your voice at this point.

Sheesh do you carry no perfume? No bodyspray? No deoderant? Use it!

Heh. What in the hell for? Riding the bus is FUN! :wink: