DO NOT LEAVE HALF-EATEN, SALSA-LEAKING BURRITOS ON THE SEATS!
And another thing: when you’re getting on the bus/light rail, would you mind standing back from the doors, just a bit, so I can f*cking get off???
That’s all I got. Feel free to add your own transit tips to the uncouth.
If you’re alone, and you insist on sitting in the aisle seat, don’t roll your eyes and sigh deeply when i ask if i can get by you to sit down.
Also, don’t think that putting your handbag or shopping bag on the seat will stop me from sitting down if there are no other seats around.
That’s the most common pit-worthy bullshit I see whenever I use public transit.
If you are in front of a long line of riders waiting to get on the bus, please do us the favor of having your card or money in hand rather than standing at the farebox digging through your purse or pocket and making everybody else wait.
Double if it’s raining.
If you are getting off school, where you’ve apparently not been allowed to make a peep all day, and you are a teenage girl, do not scream at the top of your lungs to every boy and girl on the bus.
If the above is the worst you have experienced riding public transit, consider yourselves very lucky.
If there isnt a least one schizophrenic having a full-blown episode, a group of teenagers taking all the seats in the back and having very public conversations about topics that should never be spoken about in private while playing their Ipods at the loudest possible volume, several screaming babies, at least three hustlers selling bootleg CDs and DVDs, and possibly crack, and the driver jaded from hearing how passengers cant pay the fare because the driver is an asshole and wont make change for their twenty, or “I’m only a quarter short, its close enough, aint it”, well, then you havent ridden public transit. (and all of the above is taking place at just one stop). Its also the reason why I have a chain on my wallet. Too many of friends have been pickpocketed, if not outright taken, especially if they see you have a bus pass.
My favorite was the fist fight that broke out on the bus and continued out onto the street. And then seeing the first guy get back on the bus three blocks later. (If he got a ride back to the bus, you think they could have taken him the rest of the way.)
If you have been wearing the same clothes all week and at night throw them in a heap in corner and pee on them, then put them right back on the next morning once they’ve dried out, please do us all a favor and take a cab or something. I don’t think I can bear the combination of your stench and the communal gagging of 30-odd people because of it EVER AGAIN!
Try watching on tv (as I wasn’t on that particular ride) seeing a person getting knifed repeatedly, while all the passengers (some big men) getting off the back of the bus figuring, hey let him die, not my problem.
This comment makes me feel fortunate that I don’t have to use public transportation. Confronting persons about their personal hygiene is never a pleasant experience.
Sorry, kids.
But all your little complaints, even if made into rules, would sound like this:
Good luck!
If you are a demented, dirty old man who happened to serve in Vietnam: I don’t give a fuck. See the book that I’m reading? That means that I’m reading and don’t care about your inane stories.
I especially don’t want to hear about the fourteen-year-old girls you “visited” in whatever the hell villages. If you continue to try to talk to me about these things even after I’ve put on headphones and turned on music, I will get up and go sit in the front of the bus right by the driver. If you grab my arm in an attempt to keep me from moving, I will shout quite loudly and be about thiiiis close to smacking your child-molesting face with the fire extinguisher. The bus driver, because he is from Santa Fe and thus doesn’t actually give a fuck about anything, ever, will predictably do nothing.
I promise not to eat burritos on the lightrail. On the other hand, I ride the Alum Rock/Santa Theresa line, so it might not help you.
The house is full of cats, and it’s the stench of a thousand carpet pees.
I would like to believe you, but by the looks of the offensive woman, it would not surprise me in the least if she did, in fact, pee on her own ratty clothes. Perhaps, she never actually took them off on squatted on them; maybe she just did her business in her clothes. There were unidentifiable companion odors mixed in as well. She was just about as rancid as I could ever imagine a live human being could be.
Maybe I should be pitting the bus driver for actually letting her on the freakin’ bus to begin with.
Yeah, that doesn’t work. I tell you what does work if you don’t want anyone sitting next to you - rather than pile up your bags on the free seat, leave it empty. When you see someone approach, male or female, give them a big smile and pat the empty seat with your hand. That’ll keep them standing 
If you’re standing and there’s room to move towards the back of the bus (or better yet sit down), MOVE. There’s nothing more annoying than seeing free space open up behind you from people getting off while people getting on are trying to cram into the little space up front.
Likewise, when preparing to board the subway, it is not cool to search for your T pass while standing in the fare gate.
I don’t understand these people. Did they not walk to the bus stop or drive to the train station on purpose? Did they somehow arrive there by accident, and are surprised to find that they now need their pass?
All of these, as far as I’m concerned, should be killin’ crimes:
Blocking the doors/fare gate/stairs/escalator
Eating stinky food (who eats on the train? It’s FILTHY!)
Stinking, in general
Talking on your walkie-talkie style phone (can someone please explain to me what the purpose of those things is OTHER than to annoy innocent bystanders? Not only do I get to hear *both * sides of your inane conversation, but I also get to listen to that infernal CHIRP!!!)
Wearing a ginormous backpack on a crowded train (I carry a large bag myself, but take it off your back, asshole)
Squeezing your enormous ass into a seat it clearly doesn’t fit in. I didn’t invite you to sit in my fucking lap.
Special note to the chirrun: Shut the fuck up. No, really… shut the fuck up. Your headsplitting conversation is not cool. If I wanted to listen to screeching teenagers, I’d go work at a high school. Lets make a deal, I’ll stay out of Hot Topic, and you either get your mom to drive you wherever you’re going, or SHUT THE FUCK UP 'kay? Also, stop playing with your fucking phone. On the train is not the time to select a goddamned ringtone.
Young men, bring your fucking knees together when you sit - nobody believes your testicles are that big.
You are brilliant. No one I’ve seen has ever thought of that. 
Worse? Riding the subway in a tourist mecca, where large groups of school kids come to do the 4-day whirlwind tour. I’ll never forget, alas, boarding the subway one morning, only to have a massive group of shrieking teenagers who’d obviously never been aboard a wheeled conveyance in their pathetic little lives board, filling not just my car but the next one as well, and proceed to shriek and scream every time the train so much as twitched.
Needless to say, at the next stop the flood of commuters fleeing those two cars and moving to more silent ones was basically 100%.