Rule 1) Don’t sit next to anyone –ever– if there are completely empty rows available. Most people seem to abide by this rule, so theoretically it should not be atop my list, but there’s something about the way I look or smell that attracts old people to my seat, regardless of how absurdly empty the train is. Old people, and yes it’s almost always an old person, will forsake wide open empty rows to sit next to me. Stop doing this. Today.
If you see an elderly person with a cane AND a cast on her calf, get the fuck up and left her sit down. If she meets any of the aforementioned criteria (old, with cane, or with cast), get up douchebag. I don’t care how tired you are. She’s tireder.
Stop standing in the fucking doorway, you morons. Seriously. Of all the places to stand, you’ve picked the absolute worst, the one which allows people to board and exit the train. Are you retarded, or just a dick? Yes, I know at rush hour, we’re all packed in there like sardines, in which case it’s fine to stand in the doorway so long as you clear the fucking way once we’re at the goddamn stop. Once we have arrived and people need to get on or off, please move your dumb fucking ass out of the way for the 10 seconds it takes to allow for boarding. Don’t just stand there playing Words With Friends, completely oblivious like, “Juh? People need access to the doorways at train stations? Lol, wut?”
An extension of Rule 3, when a train is arriving, do not crowd the walkway of a narrow platform. People will be walking to and from the train, and you standing directly in the middle accomplishes nothing but making everyone’s day difficult. I know you want to peer into the tunnel for the 98th time, even though the 97th time was two seconds ago and you’ve just used the tracker to find out when it’s coming, but please resist the urge for a full 25 fucking seconds so that other people whose train is actually here can get to where they’re going.
These are annoying things that happened to me today, btw. What’s especially bothersome, is these are rush hour problems. Aren’t most of these idiots going to work like I am? Then don’t they do this every-fucking-day? Yes, I know sometimes Suzy Dumbass from the suburbs will occasionally venture into the city and is baffled by these mysterious “buses” and “trains” we have here, but daily work commuters? You do this every day, you fucks. How do you not know basic decorum?
In any case, these are the rules. Please fucking follow them.
-Stick to the right when walking up stairs, down stairs, on escalators, walking ANYWHERE in a mass transit area. ESPECIALLY if you’re just going to let the escalator carry you up; do NOT block the people behind you from moving past just so you can chat with your friend next to you.
RULE 5 (extension of RULE 4): When walking up and down stairs from boarding platforms, lay off texting or checking your cell phone for the few seconds it takes you to use the stairs. No matter how fast you think you are, you take a longer time walking the stairs when your eyes are on the screen of a mobile.
And when getting off the escalator, fucking move so that the people right behind you don’t pile up all over each other/you. The escalator does not magically stop when you step off it. If the Amish people arriving via the Amtrak trains have a better grasp of this technology than you do, I should get a freebie kidney punch on you.
I’m not saying this makes it right to do, but I’m wondering if you have a look that says “safe” that makes old folks feel like sitting next to you would be better than taking a seat where someone unsafe might end up sitting next to them?
If you’re waiting for the bus or streetcar and you need to show a pass or pay, FUCKING HAVE IT READY. Don’t step onto the bus and start digging around in your monstrous purse or all fifteen of your coat pockets, looking for the fare or the pass, when there are ten or fifteen crabby pissed-off angry people behind you waiting to get on.
This goes double or triple when it’s pouring rain or well below zero outside.
As far as rule one goes, I’m sitting in the nearest seat that’s closest to an egress. If that’s next to you, I’m sorry but I’m not going to stay on the bus any longer than absolutely necessary out of deference to your bubble.
To be fair, a person unfamiliar with the nuances of mass transit decorum need not be a “dumbass”. The customs, signage, and general operations are well known to the people that frequent these places, but outsiders may need a second to get the hang of things. A color coded map is great, but it won’t tell you anything about where and when to stand.
With regards to 1), I get motion-sick riding backwards on the Metro. So if there’s an empty row facing backwards and an empty seat sitting next to you facing forwards, sorry, I’m sitting next to you. If all the forward-facing seats are taken, I’d sooner stand than sit backwards.
As an addendum to your list, don’t try to jam yourself into the car when there’s no room, and especially don’t stick your limbs or briefcase into the door to prevent it from closing so you can get on. Guess what? That may break the door, and when that happens, the whole train has to be offloaded! Now no one can go anywhere because you’re a self-centered asshole. If you don’t make this train, I promise you there will be another one in 3 minutes. That’s how rush hour works.
When your train arrives, and the doors open . . . stand aside and wait for people to get off, before you start shoving your way in. Believe or not, there will actually be more room for you.
Before you leave home . . . take a fucking shower and brush your teeth.
And please mind your children.
I have children of my own, but I don’t let them pull strange people’s hair on public transit and no…I don’t think it is cute.
And other’s with kids…I know it gets packed in there sometimes, but please try not to shove the goddamned stroller into my legs, over and over again. Most strollers come with brakes, apply it and let it be.
Old people? Man, that’s sort of awesome, in a vague way. I wish I had a protective layer of old lady to save me from the people who randomly decide they should sit next to me on the bus. I’m sorry not to sympathize more, but the ability to have a septuagenarian protect you from other riders verges on being a superpower. Look, I’m totally willing to learn about the thirties if it spares me what I usually get on the bus. I have sat next to some totally awesome elderly folks on the bus. And trust me, at a certain point you get sick of pretending you don’t speak English. Having an old sit next to you makes things so much better than when it’s a young person who just won’t fucking shut up.
This obviously agreed upon.
The bus driver keeps announcing “Please step the fuck back you fuckheads” (or whatever the proper language for that is) and the fuckheads fail 100% to respond! I try and try but I have yet to discover the power to kill people with my mind powers.
If someone is reading and has headphones on, there’s an excellent chance that they don’t feel like chatting with you, random and probably creepy stranger.
Also, don’t bring chickens on the bus. It’s disconcerting.
But I concur with all of the rules above. Can I add something about teenaged boys whose testicles are apparently so massive that they must sit with their legs open at a 120-degree angle thus blocking the seats on both sides of them? Jeezus, kid, you’re not fooling anyone. Move your damned leg.
