Bugatti Veyron owners, I need your advice. Thinking of buying...

I like mine but I’m looking around for something that will get lower milage.

Dual air bags, I’m sure!

Why is everybody badmouthing it? One of the really big advantages is that I save a lot of money, as I don’t have to tip the valet parking guys. They all fight to see who can park it.

Have you considered just hiring a guy to follow you around burning gasoline while you walk?

I was doing that for a while last week, but it made it hard to get a table at Charlie Trotters, so I’m back to just pouring a few gallons around here and there when I need to.

The Queen Mary?

I don’t know about anyone else’s, but mine starts to shimmy at around 190-200 mph. Other than that, I guess I’m pleased.

M1 Abrams? Half a mile to the gallon, and that’s the way we likes 'em.

I don’t know about you guys, but the cup holders are waaaaay too small for my Big Gulp. Plus the dogs find the leather on the doors too slippery to properly stick their heads out the window. Two fatal flaws.

I’m getting one, but need to add a wing to the garage first. (The wing isn’t just for this car. It will hold twelve more cars, as I plan to buy several at the auction in Scottsdale in January.)

Not enough cup holders.

What do you need a cupholder for? Doesn’t your valet hold your cups?

Just get the kind that clip on to the door panels. Sheesh, do I have to think of everything?

Well that’s where I keep my clip on ashtrays, and besides, they interfere with my Tweety Bird sun blockers.

Okay, very funny, guys. What I’d like to know is whether I’m the only one here who has actually seen a Veryron live in person. I saw it in the dealership window while walking through Berlin a few years ago, and had to go inside to get a better look. I’d never heard of it before that, so I’ve been following its progress since. The one I saw was a pre-production prototype, of course, since they hit some engineering snags and only released them earlier this year.

So, have any of you jokers seen one in person?

What I’d like like to do now is see a production model running on a track, live in person. (What I really want is to drive one around a track!)

When I stuck my arm out the window to signal a left turn at 230 mph, the air blast dislocated my elbow and pulled off my watch and wedding ring. So don’t try that.

Also,these tend to drag on the ground.

Yes. A beautiful car.

Just one? My Ferrari came with a whole slew of Phillipino sex slaves and this little Mexican houseboy. Admittedly, the Bugatti looks better, but it sounds like my Ferrari’s better equipped.

Well, I guess that’s what you get when you outsource production. I hear that the houseboy doubles as a mechanic.

What pisses me off about both my Veyrons is that there is no place to hang my air fresheners. Also, the windows are too small for my Garfield to hang. Buffy says I should, like, get over myself. But Chaz says it’s just too, too awful.