Tomorrow is a special day for me. Tomorrow, I join the ranks of the gladiators of old, of the jousters of the middle ages, of the soldier of fortune throughout history who has sought wealth and honor through the direction of violence at his fellow man. For tomorrow, bumper cars come to RWU.
Much as with the tournaments of old, there is food, and song, and a pretense that the bumper cars are just a small part of “spring weekend” - but those of us who hear the call to glory know the truth of the matter. It is in the bumper car rink that the true measure of a man is shown. Bumper cars are the epitome of violence as art. They have the grace of WWI biplanes, the sheer physicality of the finest war steed - and speaking of steeds, the one’s I’ll be riding tomorrow are some of the finest examples of the bumper-car-builder’s art. Gas-powered, with a tank-like steering mechanism. Instead of using a steering wheel, the car pivots on two wheels - this means I need more skill, but also that I can spin in place and need waste no maneuvering room accelerating to Ramming Speed.
I’m gonna kick ass and dislocate vertabrae tomorrow. 
I once went to an amusement park where the bumper cars had a sign that said “No bumping of cars”
You were supposed to just drive around in a circle avoiding each other.
What was the point?
Bumper cars (or “Dodgems” as they’ve been called in most parks where I’ve seen them) are indeed the finest of the rides. Unlike the merry-go-rounds or roller coasters that always follow the same circuitous path, the individual riders change with each session of Dodgems, and the two-three minutes unfold differently each time. Some riders try to dodge, others to hit as many cars as possible, still others to make repeated contact with that one special person they know well or are “flirting” with after seeing him/her for the first time that day.
I worked at Cedar Point (Sandusky, OH) Kiddieland during the summer of '79. The crew members had to rotate among rides, or else I’d have gladly spent my entire shift operating the “Krazy Kars”. I would exhort the kids to “Get some hits in!” and “Try for that green car – he’s feeling left out!” Since Steve Martin was at his peak as a stand-up comic/SNL guest, I would regularly intone into the microphone: “Some people call them bumper cars, others Dodgems, but we call them Krazy Kars because we are wild and crazy guys!”
Right now, Lafayette is considering whether to refurbish or replace the carousel in Columbian Park. If the city wants to “think outside the circle”, so to speak, it should give consideration to installing a Dodgems facility on the site. I’d buy a season pass and make sure I got my money’s worth.
First shot I ever had on bumper cars I split my lip wide open.
I hate bumper cars.