Had an argument with the wife last week, while I was traveling on business. I thought I’d offer up the situation for comment and possible edification, because I STILL don’t see where I went wrong.
I went with three coworkers (all males, and all professional businessmen) to visit manufacturers and dealerships that partner with our company. We traveled around 1100 miles in four days, all by car. About 2/3 of the way through the first day the sexist remarks began. I didn’t participate in these remarks, and in fact found most of them fairly repulsive and juvenile. However, I didn’t say anything to these guys about that (maybe I should have); I just ignored it. When I made my nightly calls to my wife, I mentioned how boorish these guys were, and provided some examples. She shared my view of their arrested development. That was about it.
Wednesday night, we stopped in a large city. The next day (our last on the trip) was also the birthday of one of the guys. There was a general move afoot to take him to a strip club to celebrate his birthday. I told the guys I didn’t want to go, and although there was some ribbing about that (the kindest term tossed about was “whipped”) they took me back to the hotel after we ate. Then they went out for their night of partying. I stayed in and ironed my shirt and waited for my wife to call me back.
(I’m really not as wimpy as I sound here. Honest.)
Well, when my wife called, our 45-minute conversation devolved into an argument. I’m still not sure exactly what I did wrong, but apparently I should never have let these guys talk the way they did the whole trip. My wife was insulted that they would even invite me to go with them to the club, and has now vowed that the next time she sees their wives at a company function, she’s gonna ask them what they think about their husbands gallivanting off to strip clubs when they travel. I kept pointing out that I didn’t go to the stupid club, and I didn’t see why we were arguing about that when I was obviously in my hotel room talking with her.
We stayed mad at each other for a couple of days (I got home Thursday night, and the greeting I got was a curt wave while she watched TV) before finally talking this out. She said the reason she got so mad was because these guys were making an assumption about the type of man I was, and I didn’t actively dispute it. She says I should’ve stopped them from making sexist remarks when they first started. Being invited to go with them to the club was an insult (to her, I think). She says men and women look at this sort of thing differently, and that I just don’t understand her viewpoint.
She’s right about that – I DON’T understand her viewpoint. I didn’t participate in the conversations these guys had about different women and their various body parts and I didn’t go to the strip club. Heck, I wouldn’t even turn around when the obligatory “Check out the rack on THAT one” comment was made (as it was approximately 20 times per day). Apparently I was supposed to channel Andrea Dworkin or something and beat the holy crap out of these guys for being sexist. I didn’t do that, so I was the target of my wife’s anger.
She suggested I turn the scenario around, and think about my reaction if she’d been traveling with three women who constantly leered at men and invited her to a strip club. I guess I’d be a little uncomfortable about her being in that situation, but I can’t see getting mad at her if she didn’t go to the club.
So somebody help me out. Should I have been more adamant in my stance earlier on, or did my wife overreact? I’ve got no emotional ties to this anymore; we’ve talked through the disagreement, and everything’s cool. So if I was wrong, in your opinion, it’ll help me ward off this type of misstep in the future. If I was right, in your opinion, it’ll give me reason to go back to her and say “Nyahh! So there!” 
Just kidding.