Her boyfriend went to a strip club--is she within her rights to be upset?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Be serious now, people. I’m curious what the consensus of the Teeming Millions is.

My daughter’s BF is celebrating his 18th birthday tonight by going to a local strip club with his older brothers and some other guys. Apparently in his family it’s considered a male rite of passage. She is feeling very cross about it, especially because, knowing that she’d be upset, they told her they were doing something else tonight (“They LIED to me!” :eek: ) She related all this in tones of deepest outrage, and asked me what I thought.

So I told her, reluctantly, because I knew she wasn’t gonna want to hear it, that my take on it was that she’s not his wife, so she isn’t entitled to a whole lot of say in what he does when he’s not with her. She wouldn’t be entitled to demand that he stay away from, say, the zoo, or Wal-Mart, so why should a strip joint be any different?

Also, that’s it’s perfectly understandable, if reprehensible, that they lied to her about it (it would be nice if people could always be honest with each other, but…) They knew she’d be upset, so in their crude masculine way :smiley: they were actually trying to avoid hurting her feelings.

She was not pleased. She departed in a huff to go over to a girlfriend’s house to do the Female Solidarity thing.

So now I wonder what the Teeming Millions think.

If it makes a difference: she’ll be 18 in a month; they’ve been “dating steady” for over a year; they’ve been friends for nearly three years; I actually don’t know whether they’re sleeping together or not. They’re an old established couple in their set, so I would think that they know each other pretty well.

Does she have the right to dictate that he avoid strip clubs, or the zoo, or Wal-Mart?

2

Does she plan on controlling all aspects of his life? Or will she respect his right as an adult to make his own decisions, for better or for worse?

I think she’s out of line.

3

I’m with you, basically. It’s a rite of passage, fercryinoutloud. Like you said, it’s not at all cool that they lied, but it was their clumsy male way of trying to protect her.

I can’t stand this stereotypical female reaction–he’s MY MAN and shouldn’t NOTICE another woman! C’mon, he’s male. I notice when a bouncy set of untethered boobies go by, so of course my hubby will. Heck, I point them out to them!

It’s harmless fun. He’s going to look and not touch (if he was touching, then she’d have reason to be upset) and celebrate legal adulthood. Her insecurity and jealousy, no matter how supported by her teenage gal pals, only makes her look bad–not him.

(And BTW, I’ve gone to strip clubs with my hubby several times. And I’ve told him I wouldn’t be bothered by him going with a group of guys on his own, either–but going by himself is where it would get weird for me.)

4

I think she should let it go. I don’t like the fact that they lied, but if it’s going to the strip club is a one-time thing, it’s really no big deal. If he ends up spending all of his time there instead of spending time with her, it’s a problem.

5

I’m with you. She has no right to dictate what he does and does not do. He may want to consider her feelings when deciding what activities to partake in–but she really has no reason to be upset at the strip club thing. Harmless fun, rite of passage, etc. Besides, does she really think that he never looks at girlie magazines or the Spice Channel when given the opportunity?

The lying thing–well, that’s another story. I understand why they lied, but IMHO, lying is unacceptable. Better to be honest and work things out honestly than lie and fail to solve the underlying problem. But he’s just 18 and he has yet to learn his life lessons, so I don’t think that this makes him a bad person or anything. Maybe they need to discuss their expectations with regard to honesty, though.

6

DDG, if she makes a real stink about it, it could set the tone for their entire post-18 relationship. She’ll seem to him as very needy, very smothering. I know that’s not her intention, but he’ll resent it. Ask her if she really feels this is a fight worth fighting.

Now, should she be upset? She has a right to be upset, but she doesn’t have the right to demand he not got. It wasn’t great that he lied to her, but as you stated, he did have honorable intentions. Would it have been better for her if she knew he was going to go? Maybe not, because she might resent him going, and then he’d resent her resenting it. Not good.

As said above, it’s only a problem if he seems to like being there more than he likes being with her. Look, he’s male, he likes to look - and at most of these places, that’s absolutely all he’ll do. And lest we forget, those places can be expensive, so it’s not likely he’ll go all the time.

7

As someone who’s gone to a strip club with my boyfriend several times, and dealt with him going without me to his cousin’s bachelor party (complete with a stripper), I feel like I can comment on this.

She may be blowing this slightly out of proportion, but I completely understand where she’s coming from. First of all, he lied to her. That’s never right–perhaps he thought she’d make a big fuss over it, but that’s not a BAD thing when you think about it. If he told her beforehand and she made a huge deal about it, they should talk about this together and determine what the big deal is to her. If he knows that she’s bothered by it and still goes, then it says a lot about his respect and caring for her.

To my mind, it’s very different from a trip to a zoo or Wal-Mart. This guy is going to look at naked girls, some of whom may grind against him, get him to suck their nipples, etc (only speaking from experience here, of course :wink: ), and for a girl who’s not used to these sorts of things, it can be a little traumatic to think there’s some woman out there doing that to your boyfriend. True, she can’t dictate where he can and cannot go, but in my opinion, the two of them having a talk beforehand would have made this situation a little easier to deal with.

8

And I say it doesn’t mater what any of you think. He’s not going out with you. He’s going out her and it bothers her, and rather that deal with it bothering her, he lied about. What a prince.

Personally? I have no probably with I guy I’m with looking at porn or checking out other people or going to stip clubs even (as long as I can too) but then I’m not her. And I’m not 17. And she’s 17 and insecure and that makes her look bad?!? That’s pretty harsh.

I can’t believe her own father doesn’t back her on this. No wonder she’s insecure.

IMHO.

9

Eh, they are both young. They haven’t worked out what is acceptible and what isn’t. If he had told her “honey I am going to a strip club with my friends” she would have pitched a fit and he KNEW it… so he lied. Wrong thing to do, but understandable.

I’m with everyone else here…if it is a one time thing, no big deal. If it becomes a habit, BIG deal. And she is going to have to learn to deal with stuff like this, but telling her this is not going to go over well. I suppose she is just going to have to live a little longer before she understands this, because she certainly isn’t going to listen to her mother. Unless she is a VERY unusual young lady.

10

After posting, I see that another opinion has been noted. One to which I feel I must respond.

betenoir, she doesn’t sound insecure at all, she sounds outraged. And DDG is her mother, not her father. A mother who, from what I know, is a very GOOD mother and very supportive of her children.

11

I think the only problem is the lying. I believe that dishonesty has no place in a relationship. I think they both need to sit down together, have a chat about their different opinions, ideas, etc. and decide how they want their relationship to be. It’s up to them, but IMO honesty is always at the top of the list.

The whole ‘trying to protect her’ or ‘avoid hurting her feelings’ is IMO complete bullshit. Come clean, be honest and if both parties have half a brain, he’ll get his ‘rite of passage’ strip night with brothers and mates, and she’ll know she can trust him, and they’ll both have a stronger, more honest relationship.

12

Word, Goo.

13

Yeah, that was my thought, too, but she was too P.O.'ed by my seemingly non-supportive reaction to give me a minute to articulate it.

Maybe tomorrow we can get into that.

BTW, Daddy still doesn’t know about this, as he was already in bed reading magazines when she got over her sulk and decided to go out after all. I’ll be interested to hear his reaction tomorrow.

14

Not in any practical sense. She is not his wife nor mother and he is an adult It is evident, however, that she intends to have dominion over him or die trying.

Having said that, I will have to admit that if I was her father the notion of a potential future son in law celebrating his 18th birthday by going to a titty bar would not impress me a great deal about his character or that of his friends. It just seems kind of low class. Each to his own however.

15

Well yeah and all that.

Sounds to me though that the before ‘calm talk’ was / is not an option. Yeah 18 and all that. Asking a lot of maturity from them both IMO.

Grrl needs to get a grip when she cools down. Bad reaction in general but normal. : shrug :

Boy needs better ideas on when to do this, birthdays are not cool for asserting your independance.

Both, a long established relationship for them. Need more talking of a serious level and less necking and whatever.

DDG is doing the best of all but we have come to expect that.

Ain’t being a parent grand?

::: where do I resign? :::::

16

Please, people. Quite obviously, he lied to her to save his own ass, not to “protect her,” clumsily or not.

And frankly, I’d go looking for another boyfriend entirely, if I were her. Wtf? Right of passage? I know she’s not dating his family, but yeah, what does his conforming to that tradition have to say about HIS interests?

I can’t believe people here are saying that she’s only pissed off as a means of getting to dominate him (presumably through a guilt trip). Hello. She is 18. At 18, you don’t do the strategy thing yet. She is probably pissed off because he is doing something that she would never do to him. Namely, she probably is not going to go touch random guys’ dicks at a strip club when she turns 18.

17

This lady sounds like my EX WIFE . Notice I said EX WIFE ? To her defence shes only 18. My wife was much older. I think I’ve said enough here.

18

Well, myself, I do not want my husband going to strip clubs. This has more to do with how I feel about that sort of establishment and less to do with the fact that there is naked women there… [I feel the same way about Hooters. No, really.]

I had the same problem with him looking at Porn, but the big sticker was that he told me he didn’t. I am not a big porn person, it kinda bugs me that he’d be getting off thinking of other people, but considering my own proclivities I have no place to censor his mind.

Does she have a right to be angry over this? This depends on whether or not they had discussed it previously. If she made it very clear that she would be hurt if he went to this sort of establishment, I think she is definately in the right. I had done so in a relationship that didn’t last as long as this one (for different reasons). If she claimed she wouldn’t care, then she has to deal. I bet the young man was under more than a bit of pressure to go regardless of what she thought anyhow… makes it a more complicated situation on his end, but not on hers, she’s genuinely hurt by his deception, and I think she has a right to that hurt. (Even if it’s not ‘right’ it’s not about to evaporate anyhow. Moot point.)

19

Some women are OK with their beaus going to strip clubs. Some are not OK with it at all.

Me? I think she has the right to be upset that her BF is ogling nekkid wimmenz as part of night out. But I’m something of a prude. But I’m OK with my prudeness.

Maybe she should get another BF.

20

I think that, as long as it’s a one-off or very occasional thing (bucks’ nights, guys’ nights out, that sort of thing), no problem. Having said that, though, this girl is only 17 and hence likely to be insecure about her body/her relationship/the whole sex thing. Under those circumstances, her reaction makes perfect sense.

As for the lying, it obviously wasn’t the right thing to do, but again, this is an 18-year-old we’re talking about, and he was probably under lots of pressure from his friends/family to go to the strip club.

Hopefully, given a little time to sizzle down, DDG’s daughter will realise that this doesn’t have to be a huge issue in the grand scheme of things, and boyfriend will realise that the way he acted was a little dodgy and he owes her an apology. If they’ve got a good thing going, it would be a pity to spoil it for such a petty incident.