Another boyfriend and stripclubs topic -_-

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello all, I need a thread/forum to voice out my dilemma that I am having with my boyfriend, and I need to opinions from other people as I do not have many people in my life to talk to about this issue. If you can help or provide a different perspective please do, otherwise read on…

I am 20, my boyfriend is 23. We have been dating for almost a year (it will be by on July 1st). For the most part I would like to consider myself a pretty laid back girlfriend, or at least I thought I was until last night.

My boyfriend’s friend’s birthday was on Friday and his friend was going to have a get together with his buddies on Saturday. Initally my boyfriend didn’t want to go, but I encouraged him to go because it was his birthday and it would be nice for him to go an support him. He told me it was going to be a barbeque or whatever, I did not think much of it. Usually my boyfriend does go out with friends, Im not the type to pester him or nag him when I know he’s going to be out with his guy friends. Later that Saturday night, he texted me and said he’d be staying over at his friends place for the night, no big deal, just common courtesy I guess.

The next day, he was going to hang out with some friends in the afternoon, and he didn’t call me until the evening and we talked. He told me they hung out, had a couple beers and then he said, “I don’t know if you’re going to be mad at me, I went to stripclub.” Okay, it was no big deal at first…then he felt the need to go on. Telling me how the girls we’re so hot, they got full nude, they have awesome bodies and whatnot. He told me it was 20 bucks for private dance so he didn’t go for one.

Now here’s the tricky thing, I know in the beginning of our relationship I mostly likely did shoot myself in the foot and I told him I didn’t mind if he went but that was because I was naïve, I guess. Later on maybe 5 or 6 months in, I mentioned the idea to him that we should go to a stripclub together cause I wanted to see what it was like. So I set out on finding a club for us to go together, and that’s when my opinion on these establishments changed. I live in Ontario, Canada, and the legalities regarding stripclubs is that the dance can go full nude, she can touch the patron and the patron can touch her. As I read the reviews for various clubs across the city, I stumbled upon various disturbing reviews talking about how girls offer extras and that you certainly haggle a girl down to a good price to sex with her. I saw reviews of how some women allow men to suck their breasts, finger them, and the dancers themselves will offer protected or unprotected sex.

Reading the reviews, I got back to my boyfriend and I told him what I read that I was completely turned off from going to strip clubs and I that I not comfortable with them at all anymore. I don’t know how often those activities happen, but the reviews (and there were a lot of them) were all recent.

The reason I was comfortable at first was because I thought all you get to do is watch. I had no idea the person receiving the dance could touch, possibly do much more. I would like to think that I trust him, but quite honestly the friend that he went with kind of makes the issue a little more unsettling with me. His friend has nagged him in the past about going, in fact that was how our first conversation about strip clubs came up because he wanted to visit one.

So as I said, our anniversary is coming up and we have a hotel booked and everything and quite honestly, I just don’t want to go. Im kind of turned off by him at the moment. I guess what Im trying to get at is I want to know is

Am I being unreasonable for feeling the way that I do? Is it a little extreme to not want to spend the night with him? Cause to be honest Im quite repulsed by him at the moment. I do have intentions of talking to him about it, but Id like to know how to go about telling him because I do not want him to feel like I’ll get so angry everytime he goes that he avoids telling me.

Thanks for reading and all of your perspectives/advice and whatnot

2

Surely there are different types of strip clubs? Could you still go to one of the more conservative ones? You say you’re not keen on the ones offering extras (fair enough) but clubs with only exotic dancing is still okay. Maybe the one your other half went to was moderate, or he just didn’t do anything. I’ve been to a couple where it’s possible to do more than just watch but have not wanted to. One I went to had a live sex show (2 women) which was pretty graphic but not at all seedy.

3

Did he actually tell you he did something that is a dealbreaker for you? If he just watched I don’t see a problem but if you have a problem with it then you two need to talk about it today. Just getting mad at him when he probably doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong isn’t healthy.

4

My experience with Canadian strip clubs is limited, but my understanding (at least in the states) is that the extent to which sexual contact occurs, and it’s not common, it only happens among the frequent visitors. If he’s not getting a lap dance because $20 is too steep, I wouldn’t worry that he’s had his fingers anywhere. Strippers aren’t going to be giving it away for free.

That said, you’re entitled to feel how you feel, and if you’re disgusted by him then don’t go. Spending a weekend away while you’re grossed out by your boyfriend isn’t going to be beneficial to either of you. If you think you can get over it, then talk to him about it, tell him you don’t want him going anymore, and then put it behind you.

5

You can certainly make your wishes known to him. It’s up to you if this is a deal breaker in terms of your relationship. You need to decide if laying down the gauntlet is really that important to you – if it is, and you communicate this clearly to him, then I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. You can’t change how you feel about the issue.

If you draw a line in the sand, you need to be prepared to take action if he crosses it. That’s fair to both of you. If he balks at giving up strip clubbing with his pals (and he probably will), and you decide – it’s not worth it, I’m going to back down – then you’ve given up the right to express anger and hurt at his behaviors.

6

@desertmonk
I totally, agree, I have intentions of speaking to him about it today. I wouldnt say its a dealbreaker per say. If he truly wants to go I may not be comfortable with it, but I will not dictate what he can and cannot do. Im not that type of person. If it does become a habit going with this friend, (like going every month or something) I’m not putting up with it and I intend on making that clear when I speak with him.

@JustinC
I tried to look for more moderate ones while I was ‘researching’ and I didnt get anything different, I just found more and more disturbing places and reviews. I did search for ones in our town and in cities around our area. I am hoping he didnt do anything, a huge part of trusts him but there is this little voice in the back thats definitely raising an eyebrow. And his friend, who I am not fond of doesnt make it any reassuring. I don’t know which club it was cause I didnt ask.

It just bothers me that if he wants to touch or fondle someone else with that possible type of history and experiences, he can.

7

Anyone can if they want to, and you don’t even have to go to a strip club. He says he didn’t want to and didn’t do anything you would disapprove of. If you believe him, I don’t see any reason to be offended. If you don’t believe him, that’s a different problem.

8

You’re being jealous over something for which you have no control. He was being completely honest by telling you all about the evening, and the fact that he didn’t get a lap dance.

This is not a healthy reaction on your behalf. Your boyfriend did nothing wrong and you need to get over the fact that he’s an adult and gets to make his own decisions. He has friends and will sometimes do things with them. You seriously need to come to terms with this and trust him to do the right thing.

9

It’s as important to extend trust as it is to avoid violating it. And just as tricky.

10

@Tracijo67
agreed, I’m not going to be the type to dictate what he can and cannot do. If he wants to make it a regular thing then it’s over, thats not someone who i want to be with.

@steronz
Thanks, I really wanted to know if not wanting to be with him over the weekend was taking it too far.

11

@Leaffan
I’ve said in previous posts, Im not going to dictate or try to dictate what he can and cannot do. Im aware he’s a grown adult and he can do whatever he wants. I appreciate his honesty, I really do. Obviously this situation brought to light how much I really do (or think I do) trust him.

Obviously, there somethings I have to work with myself toward him and things I have to address to him. I’m willing to work through it though.

12

I had to wonder why he went into such detail, if that’s what bothered you; but, given that the two of you had talked about going to a strip club together in the past, he may have thought it would turn you on, and/or it may have been his way of reassuring you that he looked but didn’t touch.

13

The fact he was honest about going is a good sign, in my opinion.

14

@Thudlow Boink

That’s part of what it was really, he kind of has a history on informing me when he sees a ‘super goodlooking woman’. Its one thing to say “hey that girl is pretty.” its another to go on about for a minute or two. Its not something I’d like to hear, and I make an effort to never inform him how attractive a guy is to me. I’m aware he has insecurities so I just find it inconsiderate to go on like that.

But it’s a nice perspective, I didnt think of it that way.
@Living Well Is Best
Im glad he did, I feel like it is too.

15

I don’t think I see anything abut him wanting to do this again (except for saying the girls were hot); since he also didn’t participate in any way and was totally honest about it, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

16

Hey, just to let you know, MUFF9090, you may save valuable time by learning how to use the quote feature.

17

As a former 20-something that spent way too much time at strip clubs as a youth, let me just say that anybody here in this thread saying “He was honest and completely upfront with you.” is being naive.
First off, sex DOES happen in those clubs and you don’t have to be a regular to get it either.

When I was younger, I never had to lie to my GFs about going to a strip clubs because most of them WORKED at a strip club. That said [del]most[/del] all of my friends would lie to their GFs about how they carried themselves in a strip club. Sure, they were honest about actually going to a strip club, but they were nowhere NEAR honest about their conduct IN the strip club. That would have been suicide.

I’m sure it’s with in the realm of possibility that the OPs BF behaved like a little angel, but at 23, I’m not going to put a whole lot of stock in to it. Not saying he had sex, but if the OP were to actually see what he really did in that club (and what was said) I don’t think she would be thrilled.
MUFF9090, Please keep in mind that you are young and you are going to be doing a whole lot of changing as a person in the next five to seven years. At twenty, you already sound more mature than your BF. He may not be the right fit for you.

Also, guys that age have an overwhelming urge to play the field. The front part of there brain may fool them into believing they want to be in a relationship, but that primal urge in the back of there brain can be a little overpowering at times, and cause them to make some really bad decisions.

Good luck.

18

Or, it’s a way to make the lie about his behavior in the club easily believed. (if he was lying; not saying he was)

Truth.

19

Bullshit. I went to strip clubs in my 20s and never touched a girl, never paid for a table or lap dance, and never once considered doing anything, and I was single at the time. It was beer and eye candy only. My friends also behaved accordingly.

And the adjective you’re looking for is “their.”

20

Yes, everybody on the internet is a freaking saint. :rolleyes: