Another boyfriend and stripclubs topic -_-

In My Humble Opinion
21

Well, if you haven’t told him that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable and unhappy, you need to do it. If he continues going on about how hot these other girls are even after you’ve told him it’s an issue, then you’ll be needing to dump his ass. (I’m not really seeing it as a great sign that he’s not affording you the courtesy of being treated the way he wants to be treated–it bothers me a lot that you have to make a point of not mentioning other guys around him because he’s so insecure, but he feels free to go on at length about other women in front of you.)

And no, it’s not unreasonable to not want to spend the night with someone who has made you uncomfortable and hurt your feelings.

22

I was thinking exactly the same thing, this was the biggest red flag I got out of your post.

23

So you don’t believe my story? You think every guy going to a strip joint has ulterior motives? Seriously?

It’s entertainment with cheap food and expensive beer.

I couldn’t care about going to a strip club now, but back in the olden days, before VCRs, DVDs and Internet the only other option was Penthouse or Hustler. Actually, there was one more option, a XXX movie theatre across the boarder in Michigan, which I attended once with two other male friends.

Strip clubs were a fine way to spend a couple of hours with some male buddies, have some beer, some laughs, and some visual entertainment: nothing more, nothing less.

24

I wouldn’t say a conscious effort, but I just find it by default to be something of common courtesy to do for you partner.

But thank you for your reply and input.

25

Ulterior motives, no.

All I’m saying is, that for a vast majority, WRT 20-something year olds, what a guy sees as appropriate behavior and what his GF sees as appropriate behavior are oceans apart.
There are plenty of guys that go in there and don’t get laid and don’t get table dances. But that doesn’t stop them from going to the stage and sticking a dollar in the girls G-string while she shoves her tits in his face. (To the point the tits are actually touching said face)

And that doesn’t stop the dancers from coming by and sitting on random guy’s laps trying to drum up business. And guess what they’re talking about when that happens? I’ll give you a hint, the guy sure as hell isn’t talking about how great his GF is.

26

I just havent been able to speak with him at the moment, because he’s gotten sick.

This is something that I would like to work through with my boyfriend. It could become a dealbreaker, only if this becomes a regular thing, or if I can’t handle it anymore/can’t trust him. There are somethings that I need to clear the air with him about. And a few things I need to work on myself.

27

No, no, no. Telling your boyfriend (or any man) that this is something you need to “work through” with him, and “work on,” will sound to him like you’re planning to torture him for hours, or days.

Look, if you’re really not comfortable with your boyfriend going to strip joints, just tell him that, and he’ll have to decide whether he can go along with that or not.

And, whatever other posters might say, plenty of guys go to strip joints and do nothing more than look. Really. I don’t know anything about Canadian strip joints (despite being married to a Canadian), but just because contact may or may not be allowed doesn’t mean that every guy is all over the dancers and getting “extras” from them.

28

There’s a lot going on here; you’re not okay with strip clubs, and that’s fine. Your boyfriend likes strip clubs, and that’s fine. He likes describing how hot he finds the strippers (and various other women) - that’s not fine. If you would like him to not go to strip clubs, and he would still like to go to them, you might have an incompatibility there.

You sound like you’re very careful to not make any demands of your boyfriend, but that’s not actually an effective way to get a good, healthy, long-term relationship. You’ve gotta ask for what you want and what you need. If he can’t give it to you, then you move on to try to find someone who can.

29

Are you actually Dan Savage, Cat Whisperer? Great advice, I think! I was trying to formulate a Savage-esque answer and I think you nailed it.

30

The good news is your boyfriend is apparently kind of stupidly honest along the lines of Forrest Gump. If he went on at length WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING BY YOU about how hot the girls were etc. it’s extremely unlikely he did anything untoward. If he had he would have kept his yap shut. You can bank on that. If there was ANY inquiries by you as “tell me what it was like” or similar your right to be outraged is completely off the table. The girls are hot at good strip clubs. Most of the time (not always) they are going to be way hotter looks-wise than your girlfriend. This is simply a self selecting reality of the job of being a successful stripper.

It sounds like he is unable 1: To keep to keep his mouth shut and 2: He will compulsively answer any question you ask without guile or a commonsense filter. This bodes well for his honesty, but life is full of scenarios that require some discretion in responses like the handling mercurial, insecure girlfriends.

Re your overarching question “Am I being unreasonable for feeling the way that I do?” is difficult to answer because you have effectively painted yourself into this corner. Adult men go to strip clubs all the time. The vast majority of the time they simply drink, ogle and go home. Chances are 99% this is what he did. You have constructed this elaborate scenario where you have piled layer upon layer of insecure paranoia about what he may have done to the point he viscerally disgusts you.

So yes, you’re being a insecure loon… but let’s be honest… you’re an adult woman and you’re not going to change your personality at this point in your life. Women like you require kid glove, walking on eggshells handling by their SOs. He apparently has no capacity whatsoever to do this. Sooner of later this relationship is going to implode when you get squicked out or infuriated about some other transgression by him you have cooked up. You had best nip it in the bud early and save both of you the aggravation.

31

I’m well past my 20’s and still do on occasion. I usually watch the show and have a few drinks, sometimes go for a private lap dance but the amount of touching is minimal if at all, certainly nothing like the kind of stuff suggested in the OP. Most of the places I go, security would break your arm and throw you down the stairs if you put your hands or anything else in the wrong spot.

And speaking of the OP, if the guy baulked on a $20 lap dance I seriously doubt if he got anything more than a view from a distance. If the place does offer “Extra’s”, there’s no way they would be free.

32

LOL:

I challenge anybody here to go to a club that allows this sort of thing and tell me that a “vast majority” (of 20-somethings) are acting in a manor that would be complete cool with your average 20-something year old GF.

33

…you do realize that most of those “reviews” are probably completely made up?

34

And you do realized that I’ve been to those joints way more than I should have and know that they are not completely made up?

Like I said earlier, I’ve had GFs that have worked in those joints and got to see and hear a lot of what goes on behind the scenes. Most of the people posting ion this thread don’t know what is being said by the strippers once the customers are gone.

They don’t hear about the parking lot deals, they don’t hear about the hotel deals, they don’t hear about the masterful lies some of these guys come up with to tell their SOs. They don’t hear how some of these dumbasses (like the guy in the OP) get manipulated by theses girls to come back and see them on a regular basis because “Golly gee,. I really do like you Tom! We might actually have a chance together if you keep coming on a weekly basis and give me all your cash.”

35

What the hell with the “women like you…” Remarks?!?

I read OP’s initial post and thought, being upset to the point where she is reluctant to enjoy a special evening with her BF, without articulating exactly WHY she is so upset, is likely to baffle and upset him. He’s not a mind-reader, and likely just needs her to spell her boundary issues out to him. That seems more a part of her youthful and underlying earnest desire to please him than it does a difficult woman who requires “eggshells and kid gloves.”

What a shitty thing to say. What a shitty thing to think.

36

…you do realize that your anecdotes are not representative of the industry as a whole? And if you don’t accept the reviews are “completely made up” I’m sure you would accept that they are “mostly made up.”

I believe you’ve had “experiences.” But you aren’t an expert.

37

First off, I wasn’t quoting any reviews. I was quoting what is allowed in strip clubs in Ontario Canada. This assumes I can take the Op at her word. I see no reason why I shouldn’t.

Secondly, for what reason would anybody go online and give a fake review? Sure, I can see a guy lying to his buddy that he got more than he actually got, but to go online and lie about it? Where’s the payoff in that?

Unless you happen to be the owner of said club.

38

…actually: you quoted the OP who stated she was disturbed after reading several reviews that none of us have actually read. That was what you quoted and commented on. Having the patron allowed to touch and the dancer allowed to touch is not uncommon: especially when “touching” is only loosely defined. But the behavior mentioned in the “reviews” are very much not a common experience and the OP shouldn’t have any reason to believe that it is.

And people give fake reviews for exactly the same reason people write fake letters to Penthouse: because they can. If you had girlfriends who worked in strip clubs it is very likely you were able to get away with stuff most people wouldn’t be able to get away with. And thats given you a skewed perspective of the industry.

39

No. I wish people would stop assuming that how they thought, felt and behaved when they were 20 (or a teen) is how every male that age thought/felt/behaved.

Assuming that people think/act like you is a general tendancy, but in the case of young males, it goes IME completely overboard and unchecked (*).

And the poster you’re responding to is especially not representative, from his own admission. How many 20 yo guys mostly have strippers as girlfriends? Plenty of 20 yo guys would have no interest altogether in even going to a strip club, others would happily go but would despise strippers too much to envision for a second having a relationship with one, etc..
If we’re going to play like this, let me tell the OP as a former 20 yo that obviously there’s nothing to fear because 20 yo men just aren’t interested in strippers and would only go out of curiosity and because their friend insisted, and even though they might find the girls hot, they’d be unwilling to potentially complicate their relationship for the sake of touching random tits and then let’s hear from another former 20 yo who will tell us that every 20 yo is already cheating on his girlfriend anyway, so why care about strippers, and then from another former 20 yo who will explain that 20 yo guy are closeted gays and don’t care about strippers, but aren’t really interested in their girlfriends either, etc…

(*)for instance, plenty of women in their 30s probably assume that most women in their 30s have the same kind of feeling/behaviour/experience/expectations as themselves, but none would get away with stating "As a woman in my 30s/formerly a woman in my 30s, let me tell you that that is how women in their 30s think/behave.

40

[QUOTE=Shakes ]
Originally Posted by Banquet Bear View Post
And you do realized that I’ve been to those joints way more than I should have and know that they are not completely made up?
Like I said earlier, I’ve had GFs that have worked in those joints and got to see and hear a lot of what goes on behind the scenes. Most of the people posting ion this thread don’t know what is being said by the strippers once the customers are gone.

They don’t hear about the parking lot deals, they don’t hear about the hotel deals, they don’t hear about the masterful lies some of these guys come up with to tell their SOs. They don’t hear how some of these dumbasses (like the guy in the OP) get manipulated by theses girls to come back and see them on a regular basis because “Golly gee,. I really do like you Tom! We might actually have a chance together if you keep coming on a weekly basis and give me all your cash.”
[/QUOTE]

I’ve also spent way too much time in strip clubs. Heck, one of my best friends ended up marrying a stripper from the club we used to go to all the time. Actually a couple of my friends married strippers now that I think about it. Anyhow, I digress. Your experiences certainly aren’t uncommon, but they aren’t universal.

My observation is that strip clubs (in NYC at least) tend to have the following types of customers:
“Frat guys” - Dumbass 20-somethings who go there with their six friends after work, buy some drinks and some lap dances for their buddies, maybe clumsily chat with the girls a bit, then go home.

“Relunctant bachelor party guy” - Basically this is the guy who gets dragged to a strip club once every five years, usually for some friend’s bachelor party. He feels guilty that one of the girls said “hi” to him.

'Industry guy" - Probably similar to yourself or my friend. These are the guys who are either somehow connected to the club (friend of the DJ, knows the owner, etc) or are just there so much and are saavy enough to get connected with how every aspect of the club works. They are different from Sad Regular Guy because they don’t come in there pining after the girls. They get in with the host and the bartender and the owners. Often they don’t even buy anything from the girls. The girls will go after them because they think they must be important or something.

“Sad regular guy” - Basically the sad, middle-aged guy who spends hours in the club tossing money at the girls (often one specific girl). Her boyfriend appreciates the new implants he’s paying for.

“Rich sex hobbiest guy” - Some wealthy lawyer or investment banker type who isn’t looking for any sort of relationship or companionship or anything like that. He’s just there to drop a couple grand on sex with some hot 19 year old Ukrainian chick.
For the OP: If your BF balks at a $20 lapdance, I don’t think he’s sticking his thumb up some girls ass in the club. I do think it’s weird that he decided to share how “hot” the girls are with you. So if all of a sudden he’s going to the club every week, I’d start to be questioning that.