Bad Strip Club!!

Kinda long, I apologize

I have been with my boyfriend, we’ll call him John, for about 9 months now. John is a huge fan of wrestling, especially the WWF. One of wrestling’s former members, Gorgeous George (a rather beautiful buxom woman) made an appearance at a strip club this past Saturday night. John and his buddies all went. I had no problem with John going, as we are very secure in our relationship and I know that strip clubs are more of a social event than a sexual attraction.

Last night, I went over John’s house. I asked him to tell me all about the strip club as I have never been to one and was curious as to what actually happens. He told me very explicit details. John said that the girls put their breasts and asses in the guys’ faces, that they get completely naked, eat each other out, etc.

John told me all this with a look in his eye that before was reserved only for looking at me or recounting things we had done together.

I am a 19 year old college student who is very self conscious. I worry about my body image way more than I know I should. John knows this and has done everything he can to help me get over this and accept my body.

John’s trip to the strip club is making me even more aware of my flaws. The whole point of going to a strip club (in my mind) is to oogle beautiful naked women who probably look a thousand times better than me and will do things that I would never do (like eat each other out).

I have been talking to John for a few hours now and am getting nowhere. He insists that going to a strip club is nothing more than a couple of guys going out & having fun.

I think otherwise.

So tell me wise Dopers of the world, what do you think I should do?

John suggests that I go to a local women’s strip club to see for myself what goes on. I don’t know if that would help matters or just makes things worse.

I’ve been to strip joints all over the country and I’ve NEVER seen anything more than simulated sexual acts (and some real kissing) between girls.

Tits and asses in people’s faces sound about par though, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think. Really.

I just don’t buy it.

I believe you should do what he suggests. Go to one. With HIM, of course. They’re not nearly as bad as women’s imaginations make them out to be.

Once you get used to all the breasts, you’ll see that there’s less of a chance for a guy to get into trouble in there than in a regular bar. Weirder things go on, sure, but trust me, there’s no sex.

Just wear a sexy outfit, knock back one or two shots, take a deep breath and try to keep the horrified look off your face for the first half-hour. If you make it past that, you’ll be fine. You’ll probably end up with your very own lap-dance!

Sue has got it right. They keep good tabs on what the patrons of the place are doing to insure the girls’ safety, and the girls themselves are making so much just dancing that they don’t have to resort to anything more, though I have heard of the occasional really sleazy place that will do it. In the USA, it is a rarity.

First of all I can’t say I have been to many clubs, only one… and that one was REALLY a disappointment. I mean I was your normal withdrawn geeky 18 year old when I went with my friends, and to tell the truth… there wasn’t too many decent looking sites. It is not very exciting and the women aren’t that impressive (most were pretty ugly to tell the truth and obviously had surgery done to enhance their bodies.) I left quite disappointed and can honestly say that I do not look forward to EVER going back. Oh yeah… and this isn’t one of the trashy hole in the wall places, it supposed to be a ‘good’ one to go to.

You want to get him to have a lot less fun? Here’s what worked for me. I had a spare 20 sitting in my wallet and I got a Lap Dance. They wait for the next song, and generally sit beside you on the couches. It happened to be a long song, so we really got into a conversation. She turned out to be this really cool woman who was simply paying her way through school. It is REALLY tough to watch when you get to know them…I haven’t been since and that was 5 years ago.

FOr the record, I don’t buy the “its more social than anything else” BS. If they wanted to do that, they’d hit a bar. A strip bar is a forum for men to act like construction workers without offending the woman.

I had another good long talk with John today. He insists that I am the only woman he ever wants. He also says that he couldn’t possibly be aroused at the strip club because of all the guys around him. The look on his face as he told me what happened clearly says otherwise.

He still doesn’t seem to understand how degrading it is for me to know that my man wants to go to someone else for the explicit purpose of getting aroused. He told me that he won’t go again if it bothers me that much, but I don’t want to control him. I just want him to understand where I’m coming from.

Oh, and Sue, John told me today that the girls merely rubbed their faces in each others crotch to simulate eating each other out. [sarcastic]Big difference.[/sarcastic]

Have you ever gone to a strip club with a guy, Sue? I’m honestly very curious, but afraid that I’ll be one of the only straight women there.

Don’t be worried. Think about it this way, it is entertainment. They don’t go there to pick up girls, because even in a man’s wildest dreams, none of them are actually gonna go to a strip club and have one of the strippers ask for his number. Ain’t gonna happen.
Guys go to strip clubs for the same reason we go to see Tom Cruise movies. It’s not the artistic aspect of the movie, nor necessarily is it a good movie. We go to see Tom Cruise get hot and sweaty, because it turns us on.
Guys aren’t satesfied with just watching it on a movie, so they go with a bunch of guys. I would believe that he doesn’t get physically aroused while with a group of male friends, and he isn’t going to cheat on you while he’s there.

Strip clubs are very, VERY testy about their strippers making any physical contact with their customers, so it generally doesn’t happen at all.

Don’t worry about it. Just because he goes doesn’t mean that you don’t turn him on. And don’t even try to lie and say that he’s the only one who will ever turn you on, cause that ain’t true either.

Also, you’re only hurting yourself by reading so much into his “looks” and what his “eyes” say. If he doesn’t understand how degrading this is for you, tell him. Try to express to him just how it makes you feel, and he’ll stop going on his own free will.

All in all, I wouldn’t worry at it all that much. Guys will be guys. If you’re worried about him cheating on you, he could probably find way more conspicuous ways to do it. Just kidding. But seriously, don’t sweat it.

As a frequenter of many a exotic club in my Navy days, and even now I hit one now and again, I’ve got to say that “acting like construction workers” is not the main activity. In most clubs (this includes Pacers in San Diego, The Baby Doll in Orlando, Flash Dancers {Orlando again, IIRC}, Scores in NYC, Cheerleaders in Philly, and more), the men are, in my experience, rather intimidated by the girls, and generally behave like frightened high-schoolers, even often having to be goaded into applauding. Those men that do take any kind of liberties, or are vocally enthusiastic come in two stripes: Regulars (who have too damn much money: Exotic clubs get pricy, quick!), and those too drunk to last.

A well-run club will keep the energy high, the activities to a certain safe (and legal) level of raunchiness, and the alcohol consumption to a medium buzz. Any more and the patrons get out of hand or risk a crash-and-burn-you-shouldn’t-have-let-him-drive lawsuit. Any less, and the patrons stop spending. Club management rides herd on the activities with an eagle eye. One arrest for improper behavior on the premisis, and their liquor license is gone, and so is a very lucrative business, even if they don’t get shut down out-right.

The management looks out for the girls, too. A good dancer is money in the bank. A unreliable or attitudinal dancer, is nothing but trouble, and dancers that let the customers get too personal are a business risk. While some clubs out there may permit activities like those described in the OP, they’re few and far between, and certainly not long for this world. I’ve yet, in 41 states, 11 countries, and two world tours, to see anything as blatant as the OP describes. I’d do a reality check by visiting the club yourself, and see if John isn’t exagerating the activities a bit.

OTOH, It sounds like there’s some real issues lurking below the surface of your relationship. Better (even if painful), perhaps, to get them out in the open now than to have them pop-up later.

BTW, Mrs. Tranq knows all about my visits to the clubs (past and present), and exhibits a good-natured sense of humor about it, even as I do about her “Ladies Night Out” visits. Yet another reason Mrs. Tranq rocks.

BAD strip club… no NBA players.

At the risk of turning myself into flamebait, I’m going to try to provide some very honest answers. These answers involve some gross generalizations and YMMV.

Your boyfriend is a man, and probably a typical male. Most men are very turned on by visual stimulation. In short, they like looking at women, clothed or unclothed, because it is stimulating. Men generally enjoy strip clubs, Playboy, and hard core pornography all because it is stimulating. While I firmly believe your boyfriend was not going to do anything surrounded by his buddies, he most likely was stimulated, probably aroused and almost certainly enjoyed looking at the women.

However, for many men, it is a jump of epic proportions between being stimulated by the sight of a woman to everything that is involved in a relationship. No matter how much your man was stimulated by the women at the strip club, it does not in any way lessen, reduce, change, modify, or harm his love, attachment and probably lust for you. He loves you just as much, and in the exact same way, as he did before going to the club.

To sum up the above, men like looking at women, whether its at a pretty girl walking down the street or a good stripper.

There are two possible reactions that you can have to this situation. First, you can accept this as a typical male response. You can even participate to a certain extent (such as pointing out pretty girls for him to look at) and feed off of his thrill. Second, you can drop your boyfriend and look for a man who is not interested in strip clubs, porn, or whatever you find personally threatening to your own sexuality. Only you can decide which of these options is better for you.

What is irrational is the position that you seem to be taking. You said:

You don’t approve, which is certainly your prerogative. However, it is a teensy bit unrealistic to expect him to simply change his own hardwired preferences to match your vision of how things should be. You don’t want to control him, but you want him to stop doing things you disagree with. Take him or leave him. Changing him, especially while saying you don’t want to change him, is an unlikely prospect.

I have been married for 20 years. I happen to believe that a well-run strip club is one of the happiest places on earth.

My wife doesn’t necessarly approve, but she tolerates my behavior. I have invited her to go with me, but she has declined, and I don’t think she’d ever enjoy it. Our code-word for my evening plans is “I’m going to the ‘east-side’ or ‘out for a cigar & beer’”. Sometimes, when she sees that I’m down or anxious about something, or need to let off some steam, she’ll suggest that I get out of the house, knowing exactly where I’ll be headed. I almost always go alone, and I prefer it that way. You’ll always find me down front, in those dollar seats.

I’ll admit to being “aroused” by the parade of strippers. That, the beer, having nobody bother me about a cheap cigar (though, this one is not always true), and being able to let your eyes go where they will are all part of the deal. Having a brief conversation with a pretty girl is icing on the cake. Believe it or not, I’ve read half a dozen really good books based on recomendations from strippers.

I can’t tell you what you should think about your relationship. I only offer my own example. I think I have a solid marriage and relationship with my wife, and I think (hope) that if there are problems with us, it would be about money, or raising kids, or what new car to buy, and not about strip clubs.

The only thing I’d really worry about is - some strip clubs are not safe places to be. A bystander could get involved in some stupid disagreement with a couple of pool-shooting drunks. If your man is likely to get mixed up in that kind of thing, well, you might have a problem. But this is true, also, of other taverns, regardless of dancing girls.

>I am a 19 year old college student who is very self >conscious. I worry about my body image way more than I >know I should.
>John’s trip to the strip club is making me even more aware >of my flaws…

I want you to know that I understand what you’re saying. When I am in a relationship, I sometimes find myself feeling the same way. I had one boyfriend who had a fair-sized porn collection, and I was left feeling as you–even more aware of my ‘flaws’.

A vast majority of guys are into porn in some form. . . so what to do?

Basically I just remind myself that even though I’ll never look like, say, Pamela Anderson, I am still an attractive and intelligent person. I have a lot to offer in a relationship. And someone will appreciate me for what I am.

It depends on your boundaries, really. How important is this issue when you look at the bigger picture?

I’ve only been to one strip club. Here in Texas they can’t get totally nude if they serve alcohol - in fact, the girls have to wear pasties, though they are just small clear plastic circles and you don’t notice them unless the boobs are in your face. There is a lot of physical contact if you pay for a lap-dance, even though that’s technically not allowed. I got one, the girl rubbed her crotch against mine and her boobs against my face - in fact, one of her nipples went in my eye and it hurt! You are supposed to keep your hands off, but when you are tipping them you pretty much have to touch them to tuck the bills in their g-string, and when I got my lap dance the girl moved my hands away when they got close to her butt, but they don’t stop you from touching their outer thighs.

I always tried to talk my friends into going to a regular bar instead of a strip club when we went, I lose my interest in seeing topless women dance after about 10 minutes, you aren’t going to actually pick up a girl at a strip club, the drinks are too expensive, and the music is generally bad. One of my friends tried to pick up one of the strippers, bought her quite a few drinks and tipped her a lot. What they do in that case is act like they are leaving with you, but when they near the door somebody who works there will come up and tell her she’s not allowed to leave with customers, the girl acts like she’s disappointed, and the guys who don’t see through this will keep coming back with the hopes that one day he will be able to leave with her. I’d rather go to a bar where there is a chance you might actually get laid.

FYI - closed down, actually torn down. The building was right next to a lake and parts of the parking lot were crumbling into the lake. The foundation of the building was very unstable, so the city condemned the building and tore it down. Now it’s just an empty lot. (I drive past several of these bars on the way to and from work daily. Thee Doll House [yes, ‘Thee’] and Pure Platinum right across the street are pretty much packed on the way home.)

IIRC, Baby Dolls is connected to a shooting range.

D*mn. Oh well…

I’d forgotten about Thee Dollhouse. Pure Platinum is a chain, and I’ve never felt really comfortable in any of the PP clibs.

Shooting range and strip club. My kinda place. :smiley:

So, your commute involves OBT, then? Does the traffic still bite?

OK SL SB I’m going to give you some straight dope on strip clubs.
One Not all the women are totally bueatiful. Only one strip club that I have been that was totally stocked with attractive women and that was in Las Vegas with a very high cover charge. In reality there is usually one woman who, lets just say is not like the others. The problem for me is that I would always want to tip her heavily to make up for the fact that nobody else is tipping her and then, well lets just not go there.

Two Yes your boyfirend has had sexual thoughts about the women stripping. Big deal. I’m sure you have had sexual thoughts about plenty of guys who are not your boyfriend. If you have not done so I suggest going to one of the blood pressure machines where you will find that it read zero over zero.

Three If you go to a strip club with your boyfriend in the back of his mind, actually the front of his mind, will be the idea of you jumping up on stage and start stripping preferably with that hot red head in the police woman outfit.

Four You could purchase these outfits for yourself and have your own strip club at home. Charge him 5 bucks for a watery beer and turn the stero up really loud.

I found the strip clubs degrading so I stopped going. Not degrading to the women but to me. ‘Here is a dollar lady. Will you pretend to be attracted to me for 10 seconds?’
Oh and if you do go to a strip club and you do strip I get 25% of the money you make.

Great advice, Zebra!

The problem is really about insecurity. Chances are, you know your boyfriend is not going to cheat on you with these woman, but you feel degraded nonetheless. I have seen my boyfriend leer at women like a cromagnon (men think they are so subtle). Yeah, it is irritating, but ultimately I know where his interests lie.

You feel that if your boyfriend loved you and loved your appearance, he wouldn’t “need” to look at these women. Correct? Do you find other men attractive? Does that make you love your boyfriend less? My advice is to gather a bunch of your female friends and head to a strip club to see guys dance. Don’t do it to get even, but go to see how harmless it is. (Refuse to let your boyfriend go.) Have fun and go wild. Stuff money in their G-strings and buy a dance. Go home to your boyfriend. How do you feel about him now? Likely, the same. He’s just having the same stupid fun. (if you plan to go with your boyfried to a club, just be aware that he will likely act different with you there)

Yeah, everyone feels that gut-wretching feeling of insecurity. Basically, it sucks. But that is something each person needs to work out on their own. No amount of reassurance can change that.

However, if it really upsets you, he should know that you are more important than these other women. If he continues to go knowing you have made an effort to understand and it still causes you great grief, he needs a lesson in repsect and priority.