Take a work of fiction, and give it the ending it can’t, musn’t, shouldn’t have. For example:
Last book of Harry Potter series: Lord Voldemort kills Harry and takes over the world.
That would be great.
The Empire Strikes Back:
Luke clings to the outcropping over the abyss inside Cloud City. He looks back on his experiences over the last couple years. His motivations. His lost childhood. He turns toward Vader and holds out his remaining hand.
“Dad?”
Pride and Prejudice: Lydia become a prostitute, Jane is an old maid, Elizabeth marries for money and Darcy laughs his ass off at all of them.
E.T.: the FBI catches up with the little brown dude and shoot him to pieces as he is walking up the ramp with the flowerpot in his hands.
Amadeus: Instead of working Mozart to death, Salieri decides to put the maxim “If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em”, and forms a partnership with his rival. The duo produce breathtaking operas and symphonies for the next thirty years.
The Princess Bride. Westley and Buttercup break up. The sick kid takes a turn for the worse and dies of SARS.
Ender’s Game. Ender becomes a spokesman for X-Box 3000, and licenses his name and image to the new best-selling video game, “Bugger Wars”.
The Lord of the Rings. Sauron gets his ring back and makes Frodo his bitch.
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones: The jedis are all slaughtered in the arena. The arena creatures kill Anakin and Obi-Wan, and then break free of the celluloid and eat George Lucas. Amidala/Portman, still wearing her hottie torn arena outfit, gets over her grief quickly and hooks up with Monstre.
Babe:
The pig is killed and eaten.
Titanic: The boat hits an iceberg, but results only in minor scratching of the paint. Leo DiCaprio dies anyways, but everybody else lives.
Dune: The worms eat Maud’Dib and the rest of the Fremen.
Saving Private Ryan: Ryan is blown up by a grenade in the attack on the bridge
Casablanca – Peter Lorre wins the love of Ingrid Bergman. Victor, in a crazed angst, pilots the plane until it crashes into Rick’s Cafe Americain and the propeller cuts off Sam’s fingers. Sam is also brain damaged and keeps repeating, “You must remember this…uh…hmm…” Claude Rains runs away with the new bride who has found the letters of transport in the mangled piano. Rick becomes part of the Vichy government.
Night of the Living Dead: The group in the farmhouse finds the cure for zombie-ism and saves the world! Brenda enjoys a tearful reunion with her brother, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Spider-Man: “You know… maybe Uncle Ben would have just wanted me to just give up the hero business and use my powers for the gain of myself and Aunt may. Screw this.”
Donnie Darko: Everything makes perfect sense at the end.
Army of Darkness: Ash stays and becomes King. He rules over England with an iron fist (heh. heh.).
Field of Dreams: The bank forecloses on his house and bulldozes the baseball diamond to plant corn.
Men in Black: A hilarious slapstick routine results in Will Smith swallowing the universe. He is delievered to the aliens, who vivsect him, take the marble from his bowels, and blow the Earth up anyway.
Finding Nemo: Two words. “Red Lobster.”
2001: HAL succeeds in killing everyone on board, the ship arrives at the monolith sans living humans, so the only course of action is to turn Hal into an iMac.
Glengarry Glenn Ross: Blake comes back to tell everyone they’re doing a great job. Everyone gets a dozen good leads and they all go on a retreat together, with potato sack races and trust falls.
The Godfather: CLEMENZA: (kisses ring) Don Fredo…
A.I.: David is rescued from the ocean floor by benevolent robots 2000 years in the future. Gets reunited with Mommy.
Interview With a Vampire: Daniel shuts off the tape recorder and then suddenly drives a stake through Louis’ heart. He then goes off hunting for Lestat.
The Sword of Shannara: Frodo shows up, destroys the sword, and Aragorn is crowned king
Romeo and Juliet: Juliet decides Romeo is a putz, and she runs off with the Apothecary.
and from a friend (who isn’t a SDMB member):
The Little Mermaid: Eric marries Ursula and once he gets a taste of that Octopus lovin’, tells Arial to take her songs and go jump in the sea…
Close Encounters of the Third Kind : Roy Neary, after being taken into the alien mothership, is brutally anal-probed, while the aliens taunt him, saying - “You gave up Teri Garr for THIS?”
Hamlet
King Claudius: Hamlet, I have to make a confession. I killed your father and usurped his throne. I’m deeply ashamed. I’m going immediatly to a monestary where I will spend the rest of my life repenting of my sins. Of course that means you’re now King of Denmark. Good luck with that Fourtinbra situation. That’s really going to call for some decisive action on your part.
Hamlet: Uhhhh…
- Waiting For Godot*
Vladmir: Y’know, I don’t think he’s coming. Wanna grab a beer?"
Estragon: “Kay.”
Exit all
Waiting For Godot
Godot: Where the fuck are they?
Harry Potter and the…
Sorcerer’s Stone: Voldemort gets the stone, Quirrel becomes a face on the back of his head. Harry is powerless to stop it. Draco Malfoy gets points for tattling, and Slytherin wins house cup.
Chamber of Secrets: The basilisk eats Ginny and Dumbledore. Gilderoy Lockhart becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. Young Tom Riddle becomes substantial again and goes to battle it out with the real Voldemort for the chief Evil Overload position. Harry is powerless to stop it.
Prisoner of Azkaban: The dementors suck out the souls of Sirius Black, Cornelius Fudge, and Gilderoy Lockhart. A dementor becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. R.J. Lupin eats Neville Longbottom. Harry is powerless to stop it.
Goblet of Fire: Lucius Malfoy becomes headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry gets Hermione pregnant. Voldemort, having killed his younger counterpart, gets bored and tortures Peter Pettigrew for shits and giggles. Victor Krum wins the Triwizard tournament and takes the veela chick as his prize.
(not doing HP5, as I haven’t read it, yet…)
Doomsday Book - Kivrin macguyvers together a biochem lab out of the village’s odds and ends and synthesizes a Plague vaccine and cure.
Catch-22 - Yossarian demands to fly more missions and is shot down.
His Dark Materials - Aslan shows up and straightens everything out with a wave of his paw.
Ya nailed it, Alphagene.
