Make a book or movie more believable (even if it destroys it)

Cafe Society
1

I’ll do a couple so you can get the idea.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe= During the Blitz the Pevensie children are sent to live in the country manor of an eccentric professor. One day snoopy mischievous little Lucy Pevensie is exploring in an old wardrobe in the attic and finds herself in a frozen land of fauns and satyrs and talking lions and majestic but malevolent queens. She comes back through the wardrobe, pees all over herself and the floor, is non-verbal for six weeks, and when she does come to and is asked what she saw replies “Nothing… can’t remember… can we eat now?”, and not just because she’s in denial but because she honestly has blotted it out (and is hungry).

You’ve Got Mail- Kathleen Kelly, owner of a locally famous landmark children’s bookstore, is driven out of business by the conglomerate owning family of Joe Fox. What follows is an attraction/repulsion with neither knowing that each talks to the other almost nightly online. When Joe finds out his online friend is really Kelly he begins maneuvering himself more and more into her life until she is in love with him both in person and online. Finally his online persona (who she still does not know is Joe Fox) agrees to meet her in person in a park. Upon learning that the man she has poured her heart and soul out to is Joe, Kelly maces him, screams names at him that would makes onlooking drunk sailors blush, kicks him repeatedly in the groin and stomach until police arrest her. There’s a happy ending as she resurrects her business with the $3.5 million out of court settlement she receives from the Fox family for dropping the civil suit for harassment, sexual harassment, fraud, invasion of privacy, and a number of other charges after Joe has entered into court ordered counseling and is subject to a restraining order that disallows him real or virtual contact with her.

Your turn.

2

Knocked Up

Loser schlub manages to get a woman who’s so far out of his league she might as well be Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow drunk enough to accidentally have sex with him. A few weeks later, she finds out she’s pregnant. On her way to the abortion clinic she changes her phone number. The end.

3

Shawshank Redemption wrongly convicted Andy Dufrense is working on the roof with a gang of other prisoners and overhears Captain Hadley talking about a tax problem that he has.

Red glances over – and is shocked to see Andy standing up, listening to the guards talk.

	    RED
Hey, you nuts? Keep your eyes on
your pail!

Andy tosses his Padd in the bucket and strolls toward Hadley.

	    RED 
Andy! Come back! Shit! 

	    SNOOZE 
What's he doing? 

	    FLOYD 
Gettin' himself killed. 

	    RED 
God damn it... 

	    HEYWOOD 
Just keep spreadin' tar...

The guards stiffen at Andy’s approach. Youngblood’s hand goes to his holster. The tower guards CLICK-CLACK their rifle bolts. Hadley turns, stupefied to find Andy there.

	    ANDY 
Mr. Hadley. Do you trust your wife? 

	    HADLEY 
That's funny. You're gonna look 
funnier suckin' my dick with no 
fuckin' teeth. 

	    ANDY 
What I mean is, do you think she'd 
go behind your back? Try to 
hamstring you? 

	    HADLEY 
That's it! Step aside, Mert. This 
fucker's havin' hisself an accident.

Hadley grabs Andy’s collar and propels him violently toward the edge of the roof. The cons furiously keep spreading tar.

	    HEYWOOD 
Oh God, he's gonna do it, he's 
gonna throw him off the roof... 

	    SNOOZE 
Oh shit, oh fuck, oh Jesus... 

	    ANDY 
Because if you do trust her, there's 
no reason in the world you can't 
keep every cent of that money.

Hadley abruptly jerks Andy to a stop right at the edge. In fact, Andy’s past the edge, beyond his balance, shoetips scraping the roof. The only thing between him and an ugly drop to the concrete is Hadley’s loose grip on the front of his shirt. Hadley frantically tries to secure his hold on Andy but can’t. Andy’s eyes widen in horror as he topples, spinning from Hadley’s grasp. From his POV we see Hadley, arm outstretched watching as Andy plummets to his death.

	    HADLEY 
Damn. Anyone have any 
idea what he meant by that?
"keep every cent?" Damn.

The end.

4

The Sound of Music

The Von Trapp family tries to flee the Nazis by walking through a mountain pass to another country. They sing to keep their spirits up.

An echo carries the sound to a passing Nazi patrol. They gun down the family.

But the sound of the gunfire triggers an avalanche, burying and killing the Nazi patrol, and resulting in a happy ending.

5

Free Willy

Willy’s lunge for freedom ends with him beached upon a breakwater; his vital fluids mingling with the mashed boy beneath him.

The river wild

A family’s adventure ends in tragedy when they are kidnapped by bank robbers who force them to run rapids that are far too extreme for their fragile, underpowered craft.

**Every ‘Bond’ movie ever made. **

James Bond make his final appearance when he is shot dozens of times as soon as his enemies see him; without waiting to question, explain or humiliate him.

6

Opening credits roll. Entire audience leaves. The end.
[Fixed that for ya.]

7

Star Wars

Above the desert world of Tatooine, an Imperial Star Destroyer disables and captures Princess Leia Organa’s Rebel blockade runner. As Darth Vader and his stormtroopers board the ship, Leia records a desperate message, entrusting it and the plans to the Empire’s superweapon to a small but plucky astromech droid. While Leia is stunned and captured by the stormtroopers, R2-D2 and his effeminate protocol droid companion board an escape pod, which is jettisoned toward the planet’s surface and glorious, glorious freedom.

Meanwhile, on the ISS Devastator…

IMPERIAL OFFICER 1: There goes another one.

IMPERIAL OFFICER 2: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have short-circuited.

IMPERIAL OFFICER 1: Why don’t we blow it up anyway? It never hurts to be thorough.

IMPERIAL OFFICER 2: Good point. Jack that shit up.

IMPERIAL OFFICER 1: Yes, sir!

TURBOLASER: Fzzzzow!

ESCAPE POD: Kablooie!

THE END.

8

REVENGE OF THE SITH

Annakin: Padme! She’s going to die in childbir… oh, thank the stars. It was just a nightmare!

The End.
**
RENT****

Benny: You losers seem to feel entitled to a place to live rent free forever. Here are the cops, there’s the eviction notice, be gone by that date, I’ll come back then, if you’re still here you’ll be forcibly evicted, have a nice day.

[change scene to Eviction Day]

Benny: The losers are still here. Move 'em out!

[final scene]

Mark’s at home whining to his parents about having to live at home again. Cut to everybody else doing the same thing.

9

**The Wizard of Oz: **
Professor Marvel tells Dorothy that Auntie Em is crying. In terror Dorothy rushes home. But a twister is coming! Dorothy frantically pounds on the root cellar door but no one can hear her. She runs back into the house, in a panic over the noise and wind, plus she’s hopped up on goofballs from the studio quack doctor. The twister comes and picks up the house with Dorothy and Toto inside. 30 seconds later the house crashes into a dusty cornfield snapping every bone in Dorothy’s fragile body and killing her instantly.

10

The Count of Monte Cristo

Dantes (to Jacapo, a treacherous cutthroat pirate who Dantes thinks is his friend): Look, Jacapo! Gaze upon this amazing treasure. I will pose as a count, and you can pose as my manservant and help me get my revenge on the man who imprisoned me unjustly and stole my woman.
Jacapo: That’s great, Dantes, but why don’t we try this first?
(slits Dantes’s throat and keeps the treasure for himself)
The End.

ET
ET: ET phone home
Elliott and a bunch of his big brother’s friends: Holy shit, what the fuck is that thing?!
(They beat ET to death with rocks and sticks)
The End

Every Chuck Norris Movie Ever Made
(With a steely glint in his eye, Chuck Norris faces the nefarious martial arts villain in the ring of honor)
(Nefarious martial arts villain pulls out a shotgun and lets a bunch of daylight into Chuck Norris, because he’s a villain. And Nefarious. And who gives a shit about honor anyway? He’s in it for the cash.)
The End

Sequel to Ever Chuck Norris Move Ever Made
(With a steely glint in his eye, Chuck Norris faces 87 nefarious villains, some with martial arts, some not, and shoots, kicks, knees, bites, punches, and gouges them all into submission and/or death)
(Chuck Norris is promptly arrested and brought up on charges of excessive force, false arrest, destruction of private property, assault and battery, warrantless searches, and disturbing the peace. Then the civil courts get what’s left of Chuck Norris’s sorry ass. In the end, Chuck even has to hock his patented steely glint to pay off the damages. And he has to do terrible, humilating things for cash like infomercials–Oh wait, that’s actually happened)
The End

11

The Evil Dead
The boyfriends: Hey, girlfriends, we know about this creepy deserted shack in the middle of nowhere. How about a nice romantic weekend, just the five of us.
The girlfriends: Gee, boyfriends, that sounds like fun, but why don’t we just rent a couple of rooms at Motel 6?
The boyfriends: But it’s a creepy deserted shack! With no means of escape!
The girlfriends: We’ll do that thing with the ice-cubes!
The boyfriends: Motel 6 it is! Pizza’s on us!
The girlfriends: Our panties are going to be on you, too!
The (very happy) end

12

The Nazgul make short work of the hobbits at Weathertop. (Wait, that didn’t come out right. Or maybe it did.) They deliver it to Sauron right away, who takes it out onto the nearest balcony of Barad Dur to do a little end-zone dance. There’s still blood out there from the last time Sauron conducted a performance review, and that railing never did get fixed what with the maintenance staff’s reluctance to disturb the Boss, so… Sauron slips and starts to fall.

The secret message got scrambled, but the Eagles have in fact been ordered to assist some unnamed schlub with the ring in the vicinity of Barad Dur. So they catch Sauron, finally realize who they’ve got, and make short work of dropping him into the nearest incinerator, which would be Mount Doom.

Happy ending.

13

Bravo!

Actually, a better ending would have Mark, et al, receiving notices for a years worth of past-due rent.

14

Mrs. Gump, I’ve got bad news for you. The tests show your unborn son is going to be a moron.

So how soon can you terminate my pregnancy?

15

The Dark Knight

The Joker says, “Watch! I’m going to make this pencil disappear!”
The thug says, “Whatchoo! Fucking kidding! Fuck this shit” and blows him away from 20 feet.

His boss expostulates, “Man! what the FUCK!”
The thug shrugs, “Fucking motherfucker fucking asking for it, crazyass motherfucker.”

The boss shrugs. They all go back to work.

16

A lot of the scenarios depicted here are actually less believable than the original movie. Please reread the OP. (Or even the thread title.)

Since nobody’s done a book yet, I’ll start: The Wind in the Willows. Since rats, badgers and toads don’t actually talk, wear clothes, or drive speedy roadsters, there’s no book. The End. Okay, I guess we’re having fun now.

17

King Kong

Fay Wray/Jessica Lange/Naomi Watts (Ann Darrow/Dwan) writhes in the stocks the natives have placed her in, screaming. She screams even more hysterically when the trees part and reveal King Kong, the giant ape, who looks with interest at her, then up at the natives, and roars.

He reaches for her, grabs her around the middle, and pulls her out, dislocating one of her shoulders in the process and lacerating her other arm.

He sniffs her, then pops her into his mouth and chews briskly. He spits out her dress, swallows contentedly, and galumphs off back into the jungle.

18

**Notting Hill
**

A bookshop owner accidentally spills his orange juice over a famous film star. She screams abuse at him. He offers her the use of his house to change. She screams even louder. Suddenly a large minder appears and knocks him out with a right hook to the jaw. When he regains consciousness they are gone. He never sees her again.

19

::Someone dies on accident::

Person 1: We need to call the cops

Person 2: (panicking) We can’t call the cops, do you know how this looks?! We’ll never get out of jail! Come on, who’s with me!!!

:Everyone looks around at each other for a moment:

Person 1: Let’s call the cops

Everybody else: yeah, come on. Let’s call the cops.

:The police arrive:

Cop: Well boys, sorry for your loss. This looks like a terrible accident. Try to get some sleep, it wasn’t your fault.

Credits roll.

20

Rocky II
Humiliated that he let a stumblebum nobody take him the distance because he didn’t train seriously for what he thought was going to be an exihibition match, Apollo Creed prepares long and hard for the revenge match. In the rematch, Creed demonstrates why he is the world heavyweight boxing champion and Balboa an unknown palooka, beating Balboa into a coma in three and 1/2 rounds.

High Noon
Word reaches town that three former associates of infamous bad man Frank Miller are waiting at the train station for Miller, who was pardoned from a death sentence, to arrive on the noon train. Marshall Kane delays departing on his honeymoon long enough to raise of posse from the town full of survivors of the “Bloody Kansas” period and former Civil War veterans. Miller arrives on the noon train to find fifteen men armed with shotguns and rifles waiting for him. Miller is now a free man and Kane has no charges to hold him on, but strongly suggests he keep his nose clean. Two days later Kane and his bride are found dead outside of town, ambushed by person or persons unknown.