Lord Amercy Swampy, it has been a horrible, awful day! I am just back from the Bobby-Ray Jones Southern Baptist Hospital of Merciful Righteousness (next to the Live Gator Wrestling Farm and Concrete Arte Boutique) in Maude, where Aunt Thedadelle is still unconcious. I don’t have too long before I need to get back there, but I felt it my Christian duty to warn you about that Drumming fellow at the grand opening of Bubba’s Bondage Barn. It has absolutely nothing to do with music at all. Dear me, my heart is just going pitter pat-- why yes some sweetea would be most 'preciated. Two wedges.
Now, I’m too much of a lady to go into details, and a bachelor such as yourself has ears too tender to hear, much less comprehend, the goings-on I witnessed today during that show. I will simply insist you have nothing to do with the Barn or that Drummer Boy man. Your dear departed parents, blesstheirsoulsandpraiseJesus, would want you to stay clear. Why Aunt Thedadelle fainted like a sack of potatoes after only a few minutes of that show.
Though I do admit she was a bit shaky anyway after wandering over to the tables in the back. We only had time to study one table, with teeny little collars which the sales clerk told us you’re supposed to put on your rooster, which is just ridiculous. Who wants to lead some nasty old bird around? we asked Bubba. I didn’t catch what he told Aunt Thedadelle, but she looked a bit peaked after that. The Gonzales’ were there but I couldn’t tell if their thongs were monogrammed leather or not, they were so teeny. On such a hot day I can understand dressing to be cool but that just isn’t hygienic! Never mind those masks with all the zippers they were wearing must have been hot as blue blazes. We said howdeedo though and after that was the musicale and you know how it ended for us.
Yes, the jello incident was worse than the Fish Fry Fiasco. At least with the fish we had somethin’ to eat until those nice boys from the National Guard showed up. Do you still write to the nice young soldier who helped you clean off all that nasty cooking oil? I think he would be a good influence on you, though he might be a bit slow. It took him forever to get you cleaned up.
I will will than you not to mention Uncle Hollis and Aunt Thedadelle’s unfortunate incarceration because you know right well it was a simple misunderstanding. They were only being environmentally friendly, putting their purchases in their underthings so as to not use plastic bags. They are elderly and it is understandable that they forgot to stop at the register. That clerk at Betty’s Quick-ee Shack and Video Emporium has always had it out for our family anyway. She’s a Rayford, and you know how those Rayfords are, flopping around on the dirty floor in church, like a bunch of fish. Pure trash, every one of 'em.
Well, this is enough chatting, I need to get this ham casserole over to the hospital. Uncle Hollis won’t touch anything I haven’t cooked and he needs to keep up his strength. I’m taking him the one with potato chips crumbled on top that you like so much. I’ll save a plate, as it will make a good supper for you.
Susan, did your owie bleed and ruin your pantyhose? I hate when that happens. Yes, I slipped, but do I have to have a scar and ruin ten bucks worth of nylon?
Taters, does it help your migraines to have something with caffeine? I noticed if I could catch a migraine when it was just threatening and take my meds with a good cup of something caffeinated, the migraine would be headed off at the pass as it were. That prescription stuff my doctor gave me did diddly squat and cost an arm and a leg, to boot.
Oh! Speaking of pee. You know why teachers like summer break so much? Because finally we get to go tinkle-potty whenever we want. The first few days I deliberately drink lots of water and just waltz to the toity whenever the mood strikes me. Bliss!
And, yes, fcm, there are some snark moments but, trust me, just suspend disbelief and enjoy!
