Buying a house with an SO to whom you are not married

In My Humble Opinion
1

I found out today that one of my friends, who has been divorced twice, is planning to do this. I’ve always heard that it’s a VERY bad idea, and I feel that way about this too. They have never lived together, and have dated for about a year. She has 3 kids, and he has one bio kid and 2 stepchildren. The kids’ other parents are all very involved with the children.

One of my college friends had been divorced, and later lived with a guy and they bought a house together. The divorce was not amicable; the split with the guy she lived with was, but she said that getting uncoupled from that house was more painful, emotionally and financially, than her divorce. She never had children.

I have not met this boyfriend, but by all accounts, people like him and vice versa. She and her first husband were a huge mismatch (something we all realized in retrospect) and while IDK why she and her second husband split up, I’m 99% certain that she finally found out something I figured out the first time I saw a picture of him, let alone met him: he’s gay.

2

It’s none of your business whether they are going to have a successful relationship, are legitimately in love, or if she’s his beard. Sounds like she’s grown enough to make her own decisions. Stay out and stop being so judgey.

More to the general idea of the OP: I’ve had plenty of unmarried friends buy houses together (I’m in my late 20s and a lot of my friends are down with commitment but not marriage at this point). With the right legal council, everything can be set up without much trouble.

3

Give us an example of “without much trouble”. Often in these kinds of situation if they split up neither has the cash to buy out the other and neither has the income to make the whole house payments by himself.

4

It doesn’t sound like a great idea to me, either, but if they get a lawyer involved to cover both of their asses if the relationship ends, it might work out okay.

I’d suggest to her that she should watch some Judge Judy to see how buying things with people you’re not married to usually work out. :slight_smile:

5

I’m not being judgy; I’m just expressing my opinion.

Now that I think about it, my mother had a friend who died a few years ago, and she lived with her “best friend” for over 50 years, and in the 1970s, when they found out they could do this, bought a house together. I figured out a long time ago that they were a lesbian couple. Not my business about that either.

6

Impending Disaster. Clear out while you have the chance.

7

Horrible idea for a number of reasons. First up–living in open adultery can be a ground to modify child custody, and in my state, is often a successful ground. Also, if/when the relationship sours, dividing interests in a house jointly owned by unmarried people is a real pain in the ass.

8

I don’t see why it makes a difference if they got married tomorrow. It’d still be difficult to get out of if it went sour, they’d still have no experience of living together and it’d still be a reasonably young relationship.

What I’d suggest is they rent together for a while if at all possible. Less commitment while you figure out if you can stand to live with this person.

This board can be surprisingly puritan at times. The people who appear on Judge Judy are obnoxious idiots, whose problems won’t be solved by marriage. Oakminster- what open adultery is happening here?!

Gay couples have been doing this for years - they didn’t have a choice until recently.

9

Buying a house is a massive financial commitment and therefore requires a legal agreement, particularly on what happens when one person wants to leave.

Any moral questions are unimportant compared to the legal ones.

10

The problem is that there is a whole body of law dealing with property owned by a family, and how to divide it if that family dissolves. It varies by state, but generally it’s pretty clear cut, and it takes into account the weird complications that arise when two people blend finances: it’s not enough to just look at who wrote the mortgage check.

On the other hand, when two people are legally nothing but business partners sharing ownership in an asset, another set of laws kick in.

The problem is that if you are de facto the first sort of relationship but you are seen by the law as the second type of relationship, there is a good chance that someone will get treated very unfairly if the relationship dissolves, and this may be true even if the parties remain amicable: informally “making things even” can run into problems with gift taxes, for example. And, of course, there is every chance that it won’t be amicable.

Legal council in advance can offset a lot of that, and it’s not the worst idea anyone ever had, but there are weirdnessess with property law and marriage.

And this is a great example of why that was/is horribly unjust: marriage is primarily a legal recognition of a unique economic relationship, and it’s discrimination to simply ignore those economic relationships based on the sex of the participants.

11

My nephew bought a house a few years ago with his then-girlfriend. A year later they broke up and she moved across the country. The down payment had been his money, which made things simpler, I guess. He took a second job for a while to handle the mortgage, then met a new SO who is now a part of he equation.

I have to say I was surprised that the bank played along with the initial purchase.

12

How does photogaydar work?

13

Practically every person I know under the age of 45 has done this. Is this unusual in the US? It’s entirely standard in the UK to buy a house with your (unmarried) partner.

We just go to a lawyer, draw up a deed of trust stipulating the financial split and what happens if one person wants out, and get on with it.

14

What makes you think that adultery is involved?

Totally agree with your second point though. They need to tread carefully. Even though a house is probably a good investment right now, they could cost themselves a lot more money getting out of the financial commitment than they would make.

15

I’m in the US, and I don’t think it’s a big deal either. I know a lot of people who have done it, and I’ve done it no less than 3 times. Once with my ex-husband before we were married, and my current husband and I bought 2 houses together before we were married. Not a big deal at all.

It’s really not all that different than being married, having a house together, and then breaking up. Both your names are on the deed and the mortgage, and yeah, you have to figure out how to split the house if you break up, but I don’t see married people shying away from buying houses together if they get divorced. Most of the arguments in this thread - not enough income for one person to take over the house, neither have enough cash to buy the other out - apply equally to married or unmarried partners.

Breaking up is always a hassle. Breaking up with a house is more of a hassle. But sometimes life involves hassles. In many cases, the benefits of home ownership outweigh the potential hassle of getting rid of it in case of breakup.

16

The OP states that they are dating, and are not married. If they lived together, that would be considered living in open adultery in my state, for purposes of child custody modification.

17

I may be an exception but I have done this. I’ve had my guy for 21 years now, but we have never married.

We don’t have to marry formally since we live in a state that recognizes common law marriage. We are not religious and don’t care about a church service (which is not a legal marriage) and the common law rules already describe us as married so there is no reason to go downtown to fill out any paperwork.

If I were your friend in her situation, I would be a little more cautious. For one thing, I think it takes more than a year to really get to know someone and see how they handle themselves in a variety of situations. A second thing is that they have not lived together: I would do this before plunking down some big money and making some big financial commitments together.

If you are opposed to their plan, you might suggest to her the sensible plan that they live together in a rental and save some cash before house buying. That will allow them to give it a try before all that paperwork.

If my guy and I separate, we are supposed to go through formal, legal, divorce proceedings. Given our history of not doing stuff like that, we probably would not do that either.

Our kids are nearly grown. We’ve had the house for 15 years, but dated and lived together during the previous 5-6 years so knew each other pretty well.

The only thing we did that was unusual was that I made a rather large down payment and he made all the notes for the next 5 years to equalize our investment in the place. One we were ‘about equal’ we share the bills and are both comfortable with the fact that if we did separate, it would be fair to sell and split.

All of this only works because we are like-minded on these issues. If we were not, of course we would have to go the legal route to sort it all out. Sometimes even like-minded folks get angry and vindictive during divorce, so there is always a chance of that. I still think it would be unlikely in our particular situation.

I can’t speak to the ‘adultery’ angle. I don’t think that plays a large role in my state, but I could be wrong. I guess the importance of that issue depends on the attitudes of all the various and assorted ex’s.

18

Disgusting.

Now, that’s not a criticism of you, but the law. How ridiculously absurd and archaic.

19

I agree. Is it really adultery if none of the parties are legally married? WTF?

20

What’s worse is that it basically forces a person with children from a previous relationship to rush into marriage with someone if they want to live with them but not potentially lose custody of their children. No wonder divorce rates are so high.