What’s your opinion of the following scenario:
You buy a present for one child, say it’s a reward for a good report card, and you have another child, usually younger. Do you buy the other child a gift to avoid tantrums? I’ve seen parents buy a child a birthday present and buy a present for a younger sibling so that the younger one didn’t feel “left out”. Is there a cut off age for this?
I usually follow the law of parity in gift giving. If one gets something, the other will usually receive the same at the next gift giving time (or before).
e.g. Andy got a CD player for his birthday. Claire (who listens to many more CDs than he does) was quite put out. So she gets one for Xmas.
Re: gifts for individual achievement, I don’t typically get them something so extravagant that there would be a perceived “unfairness” to the gift.
If you have a six year old and a four year old, you know just how razor thin that "equal’ line is.
Me, I don’t. My kids are three and one, though.
With my older one, I’ve just tried to explain the reasons that other people besides her are getting gifts, like when she attends birthday parties & such. So far, so good.
It’s always been my belief that if you start giving kids gifts just because other people are getting them, they’re going to start expecting gifts for other people’s celebrations, and then they’ll get miffed when they don’t get one.
Don’t misunderstand–there’s no harm in the occasional gift just for the heck of it (I do bring home the occasional “no reason” present for my kids). I enjoy giving my kids gifts, and they sure do like them! But I don’t spoil them, and I don’t give them gifts for other people’s birthdays, etc.
Talk about setting a bad precedent!! No, while my sons had almost a four year age difference, except for when Billy [youngest] was born, people brought DJ [oldest son] gifts too. I didn’t make a big deal about it, since he probably was feeling left out at the time, but that is it, it never happened again.
Though, I’ve witnessed other parents doing what you mentioned. They are guaranteeing themselves future problem kids.
You can’t win here. You are taking away the specialness of the one person’s birthday, and telling your other child that they aren’t able to share in another person’s day, or joy without being placated somehow. Not good.
exactly! I wouldn’t buy them the same thing at the same time just to placate them, nut instead I try to keep track of who is getting what and just how much the other kid wants it as opposed to simple “iwantonetoocausehehasone”.
When I was young my Great-Grandma used to buy the 2 kids who weren’t the birthday kid, one of those big Hershey bars.
Kinda took the sting out of it. But she was the Great-Grandma, and she was the only one who did it.
I never really had to deal with this issue until I moved to PA, where my boys were with their brother(father’s from another relationship) on a regular basis. My boys birthdays are 2 days(4 year age difference, my boys are 13 & 9 now) apart in March, so naturally they have one party together, they are each getting gifts, no worries. But their brother’s b-day is in December(actually tomorrow, Demo took the presents to the Post Office this morning for me, he is sandwiched in between my boys, he will be 12 tomorrow, don’t ask!.) It was very obvious he felt a bit left out when his brothers are having practically a second Christmas without him.
My solution was not to give him a present per se, but to take him (just him) to the Mall or toy store, and give him $10 or so, for being such a good kid, etc. etc. It’s always good to have some time with one child for a day or so alone, so this had two purposes, really. It always worked for me.
Mine is a unique circumstance, in my eyes. My boys having their b-day’s so close, and their brother not really having a mother his entire life other than me, and I was obviously limited as to what I could do for and with him. And such an amazing kid, he really needed that little affirmation that he is loved. sniff I miss that kid. Hopefully his dad will let Demo and I fly him out for part of the summer next year.
I guess it just depends on the situation. There really is no black and white when it comes to raising kids. The gray area is where the best stuff happens, IMHO.
I don’t think this is a good idea. Parents who devote themselves to making sure that Baby never feels “left out” often wind up with one spoiled brat. This is bad enough when the kid is young, but when Baby becomes a teenager…well, let’s just say I have some unflattering stories about my youngest sister.
I know this woman who stuggles mightily every year to make sure that all her childrend (they are all adults now, btw) get the EXACT same number of gifts each Xmas and that they all work out to almost the exact same dollar amount. the Adult Children are required to all buy each other exactly one gift so as not top interfere with the equality of the set up. This has always bugged me. My parents gave us gifts they thought were appropriate, and any attempts to compare were pretty quickly cut off. Children often have this weird idea that the person that gets the most things is the most loved. This is an idea that needs to be nipped in the bud, not pandered to.
you COULD just give neither child anything. Express your love to them non-materialstically. Give them a hug. Tell them to be proud of their acheivement (i.e., good report card) without needing a new CD, book, or board game. Rejoice in your love for one another instead of giving lavish holiday-
No? Okay…my parents gave us each a gift- on my (little) bro’s birthday when I was younger, i’d get something, and vice versa. Now that’s stopped. I’m not spoiled though. Really…
I’m remembering a Miss Manners quote about this: “Your child will grow up expecting to be the bride at every wedding.”
We don’t do this for our kids. Although it was hard when they were younger for one of them to see her sister being the center of attention, they each get a birthday and each of them gets that time. It probably doesn’t hurt that my mother-in-law typically just HAPPENS to have some little thing for the non-birthday child as well - not a PRESENT, mind you, just some little thing she happened to see and pick up…
She tells me she can get away with this because she’s Grandma and it’s her job to spoil the children. I’m Mom and it’s my job to say no, so it all comes out in the end. That’s the system she used for her kids, and they’re two of the least materialistic or jealous people I know, so I’m going with it.
As for rewards for achievement, we give them big hugs and tell them how proud we are of them. If the occasion is big enough, the family will go out to eat or get ice cream to celebrate.
My parents did (and still do) this, with very bad results. I’m the oldest, and everything I go, my siblings had to get the same or something of equal value. Okay, I can see how you might want to spend approx. the same amount per kid for Christmas, ect. but my parents took it to extremes.
For example, I, tater, was an excellent student in school and got to go on tons of neat field trips to places like Vienna, Maastricht and Los Angeles to represent our school in various academic conferences. My parents, of course, paid for me to go, for which I am eternally greatful, however I would inevitably come back and find that my sibs had been showered with gifts in my absence so that they wouldn’t feel bad about being left out.
Of course, it irked me to no end that I actually had to work to get goodies and it didn’t exactly motivate my sibs to work hard so that they could have the same opportunities, since everything was dropped in their laps. I understand their motives were good, but now they have 2 extremely spoiled adult children and one neurotic, co-dependant bitter child.
Now, they are doing the same thing with the grandchildren. They are raising my sister’s child, and for some reason they feel bad that they don’t spend nearly as much on my child (since I provide his food, shelter, ect) so he gets flooded with gifts. I keep telling them, what’s going to happen when you have more than 2 grandkids, how are you going to keep this up? But they insist that everything has to be “fair”. And yes, both kids get presents on each other’s birthdays. Big presents, not token gifts, and they are now 5 and 6! :rolleyes:
{{{{{{{{{{tater}}}}}}}}}} I can understand how it must have irked you, but you DO realize how much better off you are than they?? Right? Your parents ‘loved’ them into being cripples.
AND when you have kids, be ready to fend them off!