(Original post here: Here's a long boring David Letterman story (by request) - Cafe Society - Straight Dope Message Board )
Okay. I invite my friends Jessica and Ellen to come with me to New York to see the show. Since I’m in college and Jessica is in high school we have to put off seeing the show until Xmas break. I want to say we went to the December 23rd taping or something. We were poor as hell so we DROVE from northern Indiana to Nyack, New Jersey (across the bridge from New York) where we were booked at a Super 8 motel. (Because OBVIOUSLY we couldn’t afford to stay anywhere in NYC.)
We pile into my teeny Nissan Sentra pretty early in the morning the day before the taping and set off. About halfway though Ohio it starts to blizzard. Like BLIZZARD. I don’t know if you rank blizzards like you rank hurricanes or earthquakes, but on a scale of 1 to 10 this was a 10 hands down. By about an hour later everyone has slowed down to like 30 miles-per-hour because the roads were that ridiculously messed up. On top of everything my wiper fluid squirters weren’t working because either the fluid was frozen or my nozzles were clogged with wax or something, so every time we passed a semi truck it would spray filthy sleet all over my windshield and we’d have to pull over every 3 exits to clean the windshield and kick the gigantic clumps of snow off my wheel wells.
At some point I realised we were NEVER going to get there at this rate so whenever the windshield got dirty I would roll down my window (in like 15 degree [F] cold), grab a fistfull of snow off the roof, and fling it in front of us where it would melt against the windshield and I could use the wipers and have a small window to peek through.
It took us FOURTEEN hours to get there and we stagger into the Super 8 at like midnight or something. I think we were perusing a map from the “touristy brochure” rack or something wondering how the hell to get into downtown and where we would park and what-all when the front-desk guy piped up and said “Oh you know what? There’s a shuttle bus that leaves from the grocery store down the street that’ll take you right to Grand Central Station. It leaves at [whatever].” So we say “awesome” and decide to do that.
We sleep the sleep of the entirely exhausted and get up at the crack of dawn to catch this shuttle and: oh MAN. Seeing the NY skyline in person is the most amazing thing. I was glad someone else was driving so I could really soak it in. Gorgeous.
We’re dropped off at Grand Central and naively think “oh we’ll just catch a cab!” Some random gal walked over to us and asked if she could stand next to us because some creepy guys were leering at her. (Weird what you remember, huh?) We said “Sure, of course” and talked to her for a couple minutes when, because somebody up there liked us I guess, a cab magically appears, disgorges someone, and we climb in. (We asked the gal if she wanted to split a cab with us but I think she said she was waiting for a friend to pick her up. I wonder what happened to her?)
My friend Ellen has always been a HUGE John Lennon/Yoko Ono fan and wanted to see the Lennon “Imagine” memorial in Central Park, so that’s where we direct the driver. He drops us off at the closest entrance to it and we make our way there. We stand around respectfully for a few minutes and Ellen pulls from her bag a box like your checks come in. It says “for Yoko” or something like that and she sets it down (the memorial is very near The Dakota building where John/Yoko lived and she still does to the best of my knowledge.) Jessica and I have no idea what’s in the box but politely pretend like this is completely normal.
Then we make our way to 30 Rock, where Dave was taping when he worked for NBC. I’m kinda blanking on how we got there (keep in mind this was 20 years ago, lol) but it might’ve been close enough to walk. We talk to a receptionist or something who told us the show began taping at (I think) 5:30 and they usually started letting people in at about 3:30 and to come back to line up around 2:30/3. We’re like “Cool.” and head out to tromp around the neighborhood. I’m fuzzy on the details (we obviously must’ve eaten lunch somewhere but I have no recollection of it) but I distinctly remember seeing Gene Shallit walking down the street with someone and we were all like “OOOOH AAAAH! A Gene Shallit in the wild!” Another thing I remember was we went into a Tower Records and they had the newest Pet Shop Boys CD single (“So Hard”) and I was so psyched to see it because by that time in their career in my podunk town anything Pet Shop Boys was considered a “speciality item” that you had to specifically order. So I bought that (still have the receipt in a scrapbook, btw). [You know what? I just Googled “So Hard” and it turns out it came out in 1990…so this all happened in 1990, not 1989. My bad!] Anyways, we also perused a gigantic bookstore and I stumbled across, I think the title is, “The Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” and thought: “Imma buy this for Dave!”
So then we have to go to a stationery store and buy tissue and a gift bag and I think a card and I don’t know what all and then we go back to the studio to get in line. Well it gets to be about 3:30 or so and they’re not seating us, and not seating us, and not seating us. Turns out the “musical guest” of the night (Richie Sambora, if memory serves) was being ESPECIALLY persnickety during his soundcheck/rehearsal and we weren’t let in until the last possible second. We didn’t even have time for a warm-up comedian or anything.
The guests for that night were Martin Short pimping his movie “Clifford” and was delightful. Then next was Ritchie Sambora and that also was very awesome (even though I’m not a fan.) There is something to be said for seeing something played live as opposed to a recording. “The World’s Most Dangerous Band” were also astounding. Last up was (I wanna say) Art Buchwald - who was BORING AS HELL! I mean I at first I was like “Oh! Art Buchwald! He is hecka funny”! Well I think he was talking about some boring-ass politics or something and everyone’s (EVERYONE’S - he totally bombed) eyes glazed over. After the show while everyone is piling out we’re like “How will Dave get your book?” And Jessica (who has NO FEAR EVER) marches down to the page at the foot of the stairs and says “We have a gift for Dave, can we see him?” or something. He informs us that Dave always has a meeting with the writers after the show to rewatch and discuss how everything went. I give the gift to the page and say “could you see that he gets this?” He says “Sure.” (Have no idea if he ever actually got it.)
So then we went downstairs to the NBC store and looked around (I confess. I priced all the stuff Dave had sent me and it was well over $100 worth of stuff, retail.) When we stepped out we saw Martin Short talking to a gaggle of fans and he was being clever and witty and friendly with them. THEN I saw Biff Henderson, a stagehand who is still a staple on the show, I believe (in skits and whatnot). I’m like “OMG OMG it’s Biff!” I say to Jessica: “Give me something for him to sign!” (I don’t carry a purse, usually,) and she rummages around and pulls out, like the stub from her electric bill or something and a pen and I run up to him and ask for his autograph. My brother was an even huger Biff fan than me so I asked him to make it out to “Pat.”
After this we decide to go to dinner and decide on someplace swank there in Rockefeller Center and have amazing food. We were tickled when the waiter asked us if we wanted wine (Because we were all like 19/20 or something.) At the table next to us was Willard Scott and when he ordered a dessert it was some ice cream thing with a cookie on it. He took the cookie off and set it aside and we were all daring each other to say “Hey Willard, you gonna eat that?” The check comes around and we all chip in like $30/$40 or whatever it was and wait for the waiter to come back for the change. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait. At some point it dawns on us that he assumed his change was the tip (we did the math and decided that was pretty much what we were going to tip him anyway) so we laughed and left. (Weird though, huh?)
After dinner we muse “Well Dave’s probably out of his meeting now, should we go hang out in the lobby of 30 Rock and wait for him?” We decide to do that. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait. Finally it dawns on us that Dave is long gone, and on top of it most likely doesn’t leave by the main lobby anyway.
So we decide to go back to the hotel when suddenly we realise: #1) we have no idea where to catch the bus back, and #2) what the hell time we were supposed to be back on it. We all start having panic attacks and one of us finally says “we’ll have to take a cab.”
Well.
I’m sure you can see where this is going. We go out onto the street and it’s a sea of cabs, heading out of town, fully occupied. Because none of us had ever been in a major airport or anything before it didn’t even occur to us to look for a cab line. We were frantic. We had no idea what to do until one of us came upon the idea to hire a car.
We trudge back to the lobby of 30 Rock and go to the payphones. (Remember those?) There’s actually a phone book so we look a random service up and (Jessica, of course, because Ellen and I are “afraid” of phones and strangers, etc.) we order up a car and go to wait outside. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait. There are a dozen or so limos and town cars at the curb and I think it was me who said to Jessica “How do we know which is ours?” She said “Huh. I don’t know!” So sure enough she goes down the line knocking on the windows until she finds the towncar which was ours and had been sitting there for like 10 minutes, lol.
We pile in and he’s like “Where to?” and he was professional enough to not laugh when we said “Nyack!” He recognised us as obvious tourists and asked us what we did that day. We told him and he was like “oh cool!” At some point I mentioned buying the latest PSB CD and he was like “Oh, let’s hear it!” and put it on the CD player and we were rocking out to it going across the bridge. He was super friendly and asking us about our Xmas plans and talking about what he and his kids planned to do, etc.
After some bumbling around we managed to find the grocery parking lot where my car was parked. He shuts off the meter and tells us the cost of the trip – We are floored. We are desperately emptying our wallets out onto the seat. I don’t remember if we were short, or we had enough but not enough for a tip. Then at the last minute Jessica pulls this ENORMOUS bag of change out of her purse. I’m talking like the gallon bag size. We all (including the driver) laughed and he said “Good enough!” or something and we wished each other a Merry Christmas and parted ways.
Back at the hotel we are exhausted and have to force ourselves to sty up long enough to watch the show when it airs. Highlights: You can audibly hear Jessica cough at one point. Also, you can see one of my knees in a crowd shot. We all marvelled at how crap the musical number sounds on tv as opposed to live.
Next morning we get up (again at the crack of dawn) and all agree: “Let’s get the hell out of here!” We floor it all the way home going 80 MPH blasting Led Zeppelin and make it in 8 hours.
When I showed my brother the Biff Henderson autograph he squinted at it a little and said: “Rickey Henderson?” (unenthused) and I said: “No, BIFF Henderson!” and he went “OH MY GOD!!!”