You know what’s even tackier? That our health care system in this country is so upside down that a young woman has to hit up friends and family and potentially drive to another state in order to get the care that she needs.
I totally get what you’re saying and I think a lot of pro-choicers take this into account when voicing their views. But I also feel like this is already the norm (though not on Jezebel) – the idea that even though more than a million women are getting abortions every year in the US, they should be painfully private, tragic events that haunt them forever, and they shouldn’t be brought up in public outside of group therapy – not even when abortion comes up as a topic of debate at a bar or dinner table. And if a woman does feel relief and even happiness about her decision, she’ll be doubly ashamed because this seems so out of the norm. (Though I think the internet is helping women trade stories.)
I may get flamed for this, but in some ways it is a bit like what happens to victims of molestation or rape – they are often told how they should feel by people with a variety of motives. Dirty, complicit, vengeful, angry, violated, ashamed, annoyed before they ‘get over it.’ But if they are kept in the dark about the wide range of experiences out there, and not given a forum to share their own feelings, there’s a better chance they’ll feel like a freak if they don’t act like they’re ‘supposed’ to. So if they don’t feel suicidal when everyone thinks they should, they might wonder what’s wrong with them, or people may doubt their stories. If they start drinking or doing drugs when the whole thing has been covered up by relatives, again, they may not make the connection between what happened to them and their self-harm. Anyway, maybe I’m going a bit off track.
I’d like to know the woman’s address. I’ll gladly donate money so she can be sterilized.
Or a scarlet A.
I remember both your posts, because I agreed completely with them, as I do with this one. I was initially appalled, but as I thought more about it and read the articles, my perspective changed. We really have very little information about what happened, and what we do know is through an opinion piece that contains hardly any information about the couple’s situation and none at all about their decision-making process, how they felt about the abortion and the party, even whether the red sheet hung on the ceiling was intended to resemble a womb, or if that was just the author’s impression. I’ve seen similar decor at non-abortion-related parties.
The party did “celebrate” abortion. The boyfriend was castigated in the article because, and quote, “Rather than examining what it might mean to “celebrate” your abortion, what he really cares about is what abortion means for men.” Clearly he deviated from the expectation that he would be celebrating. I would also add that the party consisted of “an evening of dancing, drinks, and pastries.” That sounds like a celebration to me. From the text we have available, yes, it does seem like Maggie was celebrating (while also raising money), and the boyfriend was seen as being in the wrong for thinking more about his own role in the situation than contemplating the celebration.
I think most people’s approach to medical procedures is usually less than cheery. Yes, you’d be glad to be rid of that anal wart, but would you have an evening of drinks, dancing, and pastry? Probably not, and if you did, would you be surprised if people thought you were being a bit TMI? The breast cancer fundraisers I’ve been too haven’t been particularly celebratory, much less whimsical (the cake, the womb lamp: yeah, Maggie was going for whimsical). I think there IS an excluded middle here: there’s a difference between saying someone should be ashamed, feel bad, etc., and saying it’s a big joke. The tone I got from the article is that the abortion was being played for laughs. Yes, laughs-- the cake was meant to be funny, no? I’m sure I’ll be jumped on for being judgey by the usual suspects, but it really is TMI, and I’m sorry if I don’t find abortion funny. A reality of life, even a necessary evil (yep, that’s what I think, not going to change my mind, feel free to give that the consideration it deserves), possibly a cause for relief, but hardly an occasion for yuks.
YMMV.
What cake? The one used to illustrate the Jezebel post? Also, would a charity gathering with just drinks and pastries, or some other foodstuffs, be okay, but no dancing (maybe no music)?
According to the article, ‘someone’ put a red sheet under a lamp fixture, and we’ll have to take his word that it was so it would look like a big womb (somehow). As others have pointed out, this article really is quite skewed to his perspective (and somewhat college-y, just saw a Wes Anderson movie writing style). Even then, he paints both of the hosts as somewhat less than ebullient.
Of course there’s a grey area between tragedy and glee, but I actually think this party was in there somewhere.
I dunno, all the cancer fundraisers I’ve been to have included dance, drink, and pastries. Sometimes people even smiled and stuff, can you imagine?
Also, “image via Cake Wrecks”. Sometimes it’s good to read all the way to the end.
Yeah, I guess I can imagine being really happy that you survived cancer, a weeks of awful chemo, and really invasive, painful surgery, and that causing you to want to smile. I can’t imagine being happy that you had an abortion, which frankly just does not even compare to surviving cancer and is really a rather moronic analogy. Relieved it’s over with, glad it’s legal, but happy, bursting with smiles? Nope. Probably you think that’s a failure of my imagination, and maybe it is. I’m OK with that.
Yeah, it was really so clearly labeled, how could I have missed that? :rolleyes: I think I offered ample evidence, cake aside, that the event was meant to be a bit of a joke, and yeah, a celebration. I don’t think all the scolding in the world about how judgmental it is to have an opinion on this from anyone in this thread would cause me to rethink the idea that abortion isn’t funny or light-hearted, or cause for celebration. I don’t think it’s hypocritical to think that it’s a pretty serious matter, while also thinking that a woman doesn’t need to feel ashamed about it. I’m not sure why the insistence that anyone who thinks this party is in poor taste or just kind of gross is also saying that a woman needs to feel horrible and be ashamed.
Yep. But tacky does not excuse tacky.
Huh. I’ve never been to a fundraiser for someone who’s cured. Do they have those?
It was clearly labeled, and you offered no evidcene at all. Again, we’re left with the author’s impressions, not the hosts’ statements. And I’m not scolding you, but if I were, it would at least be based on what *you *said.
Had you bothered to continue reading, you would have seen that I later said my comment was unfair, given that we have no information whatsoever regarding her use of contraception. But don’t let that get in the way of YOUR sanctimony.
Sorry, missed the edit window.
Who compared having an abortion with surviving cancer? All anyone (that I saw, anyway) suggested was that fundraising for an abortion wasn’t necessarily worse than fundraising for cancer treatments.
That said, I’ve never had cancer, but I’ve had a couple of scares. I’ve also had a couple of abortions. I can tell you that I wasn’t significantly more relieved to find out I didn’t have cancer than I was to no longer be pregnant. I wouldn’t expect everyone to feel that way, but I did. And yeah, I do think it’s a failure of imagination on your part to paint a thick bright line between “relieved” and “happy”. You could maybe try to imagine whether or not you’d be “happy” to hear you don’t have cancer after all, but honestly I sincerely hope that you never have to experience the place where those two emotions blend.
Yes, we understand that you get the vapors at the idea of someone asking for gifts or money. But what the hell are friends for if you can’t turn to them when you’re in a desperate situation? This situation is fundamentally different than a baby shower or wedding shower.
I’m put off by this story (assuming it’s true) because the situation was handled in way that goes way beyond my own personal boundaries but that’s completely irrelevant. As someone has pointed out, the real outrage here is that in 2009, she didn’t have easy access to what should be basic healthcare. Unfortunately, this situation is probably far more common than I realize.
Even leaving aside access to the procedure (the article mentioned leaving the state, which is of course an additional expense), let’s imagine that the procedure costs as little as $500. Am I the only one who would have had a hard time coming up with $500 on short notice when I was 22? I suspect not. And again, she’s not “celebrating her abortion”, she’s trying to come up with enough money to get one.
Most fundraisers for cancer have survivors present, at least the ones that I’ve been to. Those are the people providing inspiration, and smiling at these fundraisers IME. Also, many of the fundraisers are run by survivors, aren’t they? A lot of the people who have invited me to fundraisers have been survivors. Usually they aren’t for a specific individual either, but for an organization that then distributes the money to individuals or R+D. I find those significantly less tacky and TMI than fundraisers for and by individuals.
What do we have besides the Jezebel article? That’s what I was going on. My evidence is from the description of the party, which sounded like a celebration and a fundraiser combined to me. I can’t imagine “party” and “abortion” in the same thought. Nor can I imagine soliciting my friends to help pay for my abortion. If I were that broke and needed a medical procedure, I’d find another way to do it.
Don’t care if you think it’s a failure of imagination, I think I’ve already said that, right? We all have things that we believe, and things that make us uncomfortable. Since you don’t know what I’ve experienced, I accept your sincere hope on my behalf, but for me, there’s is a bright line between relief and happiness. They are very different feelings, emanating from different places. I would draw a line between being relieved you’re not pregnant anymore and being happy you had an abortion. I can easily imagine the former, but not at all the latter.
We can agree to disagree on this, then. I think there’s a big difference. I’m obviously not as pro-choice as you are. I support abortion politically but personally think it’s a necessary evil, like any medical procedure to remove something from your body. It’s private. I feel the same way about cancer treatments, btw, and any revelations of intensely personal medical details.
The first paragraph of the Jezebel article links to the original piece it was critiquing. I got a very different picture from reading it than I did from the Jezebel article, which after all is a biased opinion piece about a biased opinion piece written by a friend of the couple in question.
Is it really so hard to believe that they couldn’t find “another way?” If their parents won’t help out, and they’re working for work-study wages while trying to complete their senior year of college?
There’s more reason to think this was a celebration after reading this article. “Everyone was having a blast,” says the article, lots of dancing and partying, except the boyfriend, who is uncomfortable because everyone is giving him shit, and Maggie feeling bad that her friends were attacking her boyfriend. Reading this doesn’t change my impression that this was a celebration.
Yeah, it really is, since I’ve never heard of this method of getting money for an abortion before, and I’m sure there are people of even lesser means who have needed money for an abortion.
Sanctimony. Joke. Let’s call the whole thing off.
Maybe if you can’t afford an abortion, you shouldn’t be having sex? Or are maturity and responsibility just silly and antiquated notions in our modern society?