Ah, but Art. VII, Section 32 of the Game Manual states that even though lowest score wins, victory can nonetheless be achieved if:
Considering I just got my haircut Tuesday, I believe that makes me the winner.
Well sure…if you had gotten your thousand points yesterday. But that rule has to be invoked within 24 hours of the haircut…and it’s Thursday.
Enough with the rules lawyering. Back to the action!
I will take 500 of MOIDALIZE’s points, the flag, the ball, and the hockey puck and burry them in a safe spot.
I will then call into play new ball rule 23 and take off in the direction of the endzone.
So you might think. But I invoce rule 69:a, which allows me to dig up the hidden loot, thereby making your new ball not in play (but feel free to drop it, since that would give me 501,5 points according to rule 58:c).
Then I go juggling off, towards the endzone!
Fortunately I put on my anti-juggling hat before we started (it’s declared invisibly in my first post in this thread, go check if you don’t believe me) so your feat of legerdemain only causes the ball to drop into my hands.
I have a ghost runner as wide receiver, so I fire the scoring pass into the end zone!
Uh,oh. Ghost runners clearly forbidden under by Article 27b (iv-mcmxlvi). You lose the ball and all points, and must do two laps around the field reciting the Magna Carta in Greek (backwards).
In the meantime, I pull out my nine iron and thwack the ball into the volcano, gaining nine bajillion points.
A nine iron? Under Calvinball rules, golf, its implements or accoutrements cannot be referred to in any post composed in the English language. Everybody knows that. :rolleyes:
Miss Wormwood plods out from the school building, pats me on the head and says, “You look like a nice little boy. Why don’t you take the flag?” She hands it to me, glaring at everyone else, and I run in for the win. Yeah, baby!
A bunch of people tried to play Calvinball in Dolores Park here about a year ago. A guy (the ref) went around the park with a bullhorn recruiting people. They eventually got a group going, until they realized no one knew how the hell to play Calvinball, so they mostly watched us have a pie fight.
That was Miss Wormwood’s evil twin brother wearing a wig. The run in is hereby disqualified. I find the real Miss Wormwood who likes me better than you and she gives me the real flag. I stroll over for the real win.
See, you said “pi_fi_ht”. You’re disqualified. Sorry.
Quadruple score bonus for posting the top post on a new page.
WOOT!
The use of the word “WOOT!” in your post automatically means that you must loudly sing the line “I Am A Pathetic Internet Dweeb” 6 straight times, in 6 different accents and musical keys (including yodeling), while twirling around in a circle. Oh and you forfeit your points.
Meanwhile, I don my multicolor floating tube (the only valid way to score points) and waltz into the endzone unmolested.
Using my brilliant scientific mind and uncanny inventing prowess, I quickly devise and assemble a Multicolor Floating Tube Doper Superduper AcceptNoSubstitutes Disintegrator (Patent Pending), zap you with it, and seize the ball (or is it the flag?) before the contented and approving eyes of the REAL Miss Wormwood, score, and win!
And the crowd goes wild!!!
Declaration of a win is an automatic disqualification under the terms of the Hoboken Accords of 1936.
As such, I’m taking my ball and going home, scoring 8*13[sup]878[/sup] crenelations.
I loudly claim that the moon landing was a hoax, and all of you rush to find your favorite cite to prove me wrong. I take the flag and score 53595 super duper double secret probation points.
Yeah, I think not.
Since all your points are on probation, they don’t count. This according to the Susie Derkins clause of 1765.
And while you ponder your misfortune, I use the underground tunnels the VC.s dug under the playing field, to head towards the missile silo!
But that wasn’t the VCs, the tunnels were built by *giants space slugs *and of course they consume you leaving only the inorganic material behind. I will dutifully report your demise and our collective sadness to your mother as I bring the flag to her. Of course your front porch was one of the goals and the fact I just scored several more points is incidental.
Ha! I just made up a rule that only I know the details of, with super-elastic interpretation potential and unforeseeable consequences if broken!
I grab the ball and run for the end zone!
See you in HELL, suckers!
But little do you realize that there is no such thing as Giant Space Slugs, what an imagination you must have.
The reality is that the “mother” you are about to report to is actually a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex, close relative of the Calvinosaurus, and is conveniently currently my teammate. The T-Rex snaps you up in one sweeping motion and swallows you while licking it’s lips. Oh, look you were yanked right out of your shoes. 10 kajillion points for making it to the transmorgrifier with pair of the opponents shoes.
New rule # umpteen; posts may be out of order!!!
Thankyou.
Using the Transmogrifier (Mark III), I create a half a dozen copies of myself (all replete with foolscaps) to distract and decoy the T-Rex. He manages to catch and eat two of my clones, but I, the original, manage to make it to the Stupendous Score Zone and earn my e^log(42) points.