When I was a kid, my parents told me that because God was omniscient, He already knew whether each person would go to Heaven or Hell. I should obey the authorities, they said, because these are good and righteous people, otherwise God wouldn’t let them be so successful, and . . .
Uh. . .
Damn you, jarbabyj, damn you and your misleading thread titles! No godly woman would mislead us so! You will burn! Burn I say! Burn in the Pit of Flames!
A guy I went to school with came in and told everyone how his dad had invented Jumping Jacks. He was totally serious and believed that some day a huge check would be coming to his dad for royalities for all the Jumping Jacks ever done.
BTW The guy was 10th grade at the time. Apperently he had believed this for years.
three posts to my own thread about nutty parents…my dad, god love him.
Anyway, when I was about ten or eleven, my father knew that SNOW DAYS were like the holy grail of a child’s existence, and in fact I would get up in the middle of the night to see if it was snowing just in case school would be closed.
So, one night, before I went to bed, my dad said that he’d heard a weather report that there was going to be 42 FEET of snow within the next two days.
WELL! Certainly, school will be cancelled.
Little did my father know that on that very day, my class was taking a tour of CHANNEL 13 and we’d get to meet and ask questions of…THE WEATHER MAN.
I just had to know if my dad was right, so I raised my hand in front of dozens of classmates including Scott Russi, whom I loved from afar, and called out:
My dad said that there was going to be 42 feet of snow tonight and that school would be cancelled because our house would be buried.
<cough>
I was laughed out of existence, assured my father was crazy and humiliated to the point of almost tears.
When I got home and told my dad, he was rolling on the floor laughing.
I wonder if I get my sense of humor from him
Granted. May lies for the sake of parental amusement never go out of style.
Bill Cosby (as close as I can come from memory) - “One day I’m playing with my navel. You know, ‘Oh, navel, navel…’ and my mom yells from the kitchen ‘All right - keep playing with your navel. Pretty soon you’re going to break it wide open and all the air’s gonna come out of you, you’ll fly around the room backward, land, and be flat as a piece of paper. Nothing but your little eyes bugging out.’ I used to carry bandaids with me just in case I had an accident.”
My grandmother’s brother had a bunch of 'em. Until he died. My grandmother believes every one of them until this very day (sadly, I think my great uncle believed 'em, too). For instance, the element “neon” was named by taking the first two letters and the last two letters of their family name (Nealon), in honor of my great grandfather having the first neon light in the city of Cleveland. Also, when you’re going through any kind of toll booth or parking attendant booth, wait until they light up the little sign that says what your toll is. If they don’t light it, they’re stealing your money.
When I was a kid, I went next door to play with my friend. There was a bowl of candies on the table. He said we shouldn’t have too many, because his mom said that they were a special kind of imported candy, and if we ate too many we’d start to fart really bad.
katie, that brought back such laugh! According to my dad, everything put hair on your chest! Grits, bread crusts, the heel of the loaf of bread.
My dad & grandpa were both jokers, and I was the easiest target even as a kid (still am, if you ask my husband). I can’t remember any of the whoppers right now (pregnant brain), but it was a wild time growing up!
jadailey, I hadn’t thought of that old Bill Cosby routine in years. I’m vaguely recalling now another routine (or a different part of the navel routine) where they kept him in his crib by telling him there were snakes on the bedroom floor . . . am I right?
Little did your father know, my ass!
I can’t recall any Calvinist parenting, though I’m sure there was some. I do remember some Calvinist brothering, something along the lines of Calvin’s dad telling about the man living in the garage who opens and closes the door.
My parents, my brother and I were waiting in the drive-through of some fastfood chain. I think I was around 7. So, I asked how the people inside knew when a car was waiting at the menu/speaker thingy. My brother told me that there was this guy in a plane way above the restaurant with a really big pair of binoculars, watching the drive through. When someone pulled up, he called the people inside the restaurant and told them, then they satred taking your order. Sice my brother was telling me this, I never really believed it, but it was pretty damn funny to my parents.
Several years later, I started realizing the holes in the story, like the fact that planes can’t hover, helicopters can. If the needed someone to call them, why not have a person sit outside with a walkie-talkie? And of course, the whole story is stupid to bgin with.
Oh, that reminds me of a joke:
A kid accidentally sees his parents having sex and asks “What are you doing?”
The mother responds: “Your father’s overweight, so I’m pushing the excess air out.”
Kid: “Why do you bother doing that when the pretty lady next door comed over and blows him up every week?”
jarbabyj - I’ve just been reading all my Calvin and Hobbes books, I have them all except “Homocidal Psycho Jungle Cat.” I love the father’s explanation of why the sun rises and sets. (Hot air rises, cool air sinks)
Upon asking my dad where babies come from, I was told they found me under a rock. They found my sister in a tree.
When I asked my father why me and my older sister didn’t look alike (we have different fathers BTW), he told me they had found her out in the sun and me under a tree in the shade,thus explaining her dark hair and olive skin and my blond hair and pale skin.
I was four. It made sense to me at the time. 
I started preparing for parental lying early. I told my little brother, who was about 4, that when you turn the middle knob in the bathtub (the one that controls the shower) witches would come out of the shower head. Since he only took baths, he bought it. For YEARS. My Mother couldn’t figure out why he was hysterical the first time she tried to show him how to shower!
These are too funny…
My mom told me once that if I spoke of the devil he would appear and take me away. For many years I would get very upset if any of my little friends said the word “devil,” thinking their demise was at hand. If they refuted this, I simply felt even sorrier for them. The fact that the devil never showed up didn’t sway me.
And for a long time I really believed that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. My mom AND Jimmy Stewart lied to me.
I had a farmer Grandad, bless him (and thanks to many children’s books, for some time I was sure everyone had at least one grandad who was a farmer). I was 5 or 6 when I was staying with him for the summer when he told me to go out to the pasture and milk the cows. I was a little nervous at the thought of having to go near all those big animals by myself, but I decided to be a sport. I asked for a bucket. He laughed and explained the difference between dairy cattle and beef cattle (which is what his were).
Also, you had to eat your chicken (or whatever it was you were picking at), because according to Grandad, “It makes your hair curly and your teeth pearly.” Oh well…milk ads have told me worse lies. (Strong bones, check, but where is my beautiful skin and my healthy body???)
When the sibs were small, mom kept them from leaving the backyard by telling them there was an “Old Bad Witch” lurking just outside the 6" wooden fence.
And I bet you’re bored of people telling you how weird that is too, huh? I was born the day after my dad’s birthday, so I ended up being born on Easter, and he was born on Easter too. But, his joke was that we were the same age. “Now that it’s your birthday, we’re the same age again.”
“Nuh, uh. I’m 4 and you’re 31!”
" 3 plus 1 is 4, so I’m 4 too."
" No you’re not!" Funny, it still works out, even to this day. We’re 6 this year.
When I was 2-4 my dad used to answer my question “Where are we going” with “to the moon” every single time. “Daddy, are we going to drive there?” “Yup” and every time mom would get mad. “Ed, don’t tell her that, she believes you!”
At one point, when I was a preschooler, he convinced me that the flintstones were basically a documentary of what it was like when he was a kid. But “we ate off of plates made of bark, not stone, though.” I was probably in kindergarten before I figured out that he was full of it.
Since I don’t have kids, but little brother is much younger, I had some fun messing with his head. Hey, he was 12, if he didn’t know anything about the government or history at that age, he deserved it.
" Shannon, who are you voting for?"
" Dole, but it doesn’t matter."
" What do you mean it doesn’t matter? At school they said voting is important."
" Well, I guess, but it’s not like the president does anything. You know how there’s a queen in England, but the prime minister is in charge?"
" Yeah."
" It’s like that. The president is a figurehead, but the dictator really runs the country."
" Who’s the dictator?"
" Ross Perot. He’s only running to make it *look * like we have a choice on who runs the country."
“Oh.”
Two weeks later my parents called me and asked why I told my brother that Ross Perot was the dictator. I didn’t know he believed me! Or that he’d fall for it again. A couple of months later he’s doing a project for history about one’s favorite president.
" Who’s your favorite president?"
" I don’t really have one."
" Mine’s Teddy Rosevelt."
<gave him a shocked look> " But! He was a terrible man!"
" What do you mean? He saved that bear cub and stuff."
" Sure he did, but he caused millions of people to die, Vince."
" How?"
" You’ve heard of WWI, right? It was his fault it started."
" What did he do?"
" When France invaded Australia, he got involved in the war just because he didn’t want the Australian people to speak with French accents. Just for that! And all those people died!"
" Well, I still like him."
It only took a couple of days for him to figure it out that time. Would I make a great parent or what? I know “or what.”
I remember asking my Dad what ‘wonton’ meant, and he told me ‘small rodent’. I accused him of it later and he swears up-and-down he never said that, and very convincingly, so MAYBE I dreamed it - it sounds like something he would tell me, though.
I’ve told Soupo he has to take his naps because the United Nations passed the International Naptime Law.
I’va also told this to friends’ kids.
-Rue.
Dad was always pretty straightforward with us. However, one thing I always remember him doing, more of a joke really, was asking us to plug in one of his electrical tools and then saying, “ZZZZZZZZ-ttt” the minute we touched the outlet. We inevitably jumped about a foot off the floor.
He also enjoyed poking us in the ribs while he gunned his drill. Elicited screams every time.
You’d have thought we’d learn after the 2,427th time.
I never got extremely Calvinized lessons. Guess my parents are honest. I do have two examples that I remember, although they’re mild:
Once, in preschool, my class went to a sprinkler for the day. This was really the first time I had seen anybody except my family without a shirt on. At least, that I can remember. Anyway, I noticed that the boys had nipples like I did (I’m a guy). When I got home, I asked my mom what they were. I thought she said “nickels”. I was about five, and I said this until I was 9, when my mom finally corrected me. I guess it just wasn’t cute anymore. 
My mom actually seems to be the Calvinized parent in my family. When I became worried that some permanent teeth were loose, she told me that I had to brush more often or they would fall out. (Actually, this happened last night.) The embarrassing part was that it crossed my mind that cavities might not make my teeth fall out, but I believed her anyway. Ouch. She corrected me a few minutes ago.