Help me people. I’m on the verge of a critical decision, and I need all the insight I can find. Six months ago my Mother died. As a direct result of her death, I reunited with an old friend of my Brother’s. Upon seeing him, I immediatley recalled having had a “crush” on him when I was ten years old. He’s five years older. Anyway, we hooked up and I thought I had finally found the man of my dreams. He was gorgeous, witty, brilliant, sensitive, charming, loving, kind. This man used to turn the volume on the t.v. down, girls, so he could hear me better. When he touches me it sends chills all over my body. Our lovemaking is, by both accounts, like nothing ever experienced before. We spent countless hours talking about why neither of us was still married. His relationship “ethic” was right on target. We are both of the same religious faith. Our children like each other and we are each crazy about the other’s child. Needless to say, I fell head over heels and, based on what he tells me and the way he acts, most of the time, so did he. My problem: Sometimes, when he drinks, not every time, he becomes abusive. Not physically abusive. Verbally and, to some extent, emotionally abusive. At first he would accept responsibility for his actions and I know he knows it’s wrong. Now, he sling’s me the obligatory “I’m sorry” but I can tell it’s only obligatory. My Question: Can anyone out there tell me how this movie ends? I love this man like I’ve never loved before and, sans the alcohol-induced-abuse, honestly feel that he could make me happy for the rest of my life. What do I do? There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, or maybe I’m just a fool…maybe the alcohol brings out his true feelings for me.
If I was a robot, I’d be screaming “Danger, Will Robinson” right now.
IF he enjoys abusing alcohol, and IF he gets abusive when he does, such abuse will be a part of your life as long as you are with him UNLESS he admits he has a problem handeling alcohol and changes that part of his life.
Period.
Sorry it’s not better news, but them’s the stone cold facts, ma’am.
I second Weirddave. The deck is stacked for tragedy in this sort of relationship. Inevitable? No. Likely? Very.
QtM, MD
A change of personality when drinking is a sign of alcoholism.
Run quickly, either away from him or to an Alanon meeting.
Good luck.
Alcoholics will probably chime in here, but if he abuses alcohol and then abuses you, he’s gotta stop the alcohol. And that was a PERIOD at the end of that sentence. Discuss it with him when he is sober, calmly and firmly. Tell him how YOU feel about it, not what HE is doing is evil. No accusations, start everything with “I feel…”
It’s called an Intervention.
The fact that alcohol causes his behavior to change so dramatically likely indicates a problem. That his drunken behavior causes you pain should cause him to stop, and that he doesn’t, likely indicates a problem. This is one of the hallmarks of alcoholism, continuing to drink even in the face of consequences. Even if he is not at this point a full-blown alcoholic, he is most certainly a problem drinker. You need to talk to him seriously about how his drinking affects you. If he isn’t willing to seek help for his drinking problem, then you need to make a decision whether you are willing to continue living with this. If you decide to stay, I strongly suggest Al-Anon.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Yup, I agree with the others. And no, you won’t change him, no matter how much you love him.
He has to decide for himself he has a problem, and he has to work on changing himself. You can’t do it for him.
No matter how much you love him.
Good luck.
>This man used to turn the volume on the t.v. down, girls, so he could hear me better.<
Gosh, was it Sports too? That would be special. Many women have been mauled merely by walking betwen a man and a big screen TV during playoffs.
Seriously, it’s either;
- An effective intervention.
or
- An awful downward spiral of his health, self-esteem, ability to interact with fellow humans, abuse/dependancy on you. As he becomes more dependant on you, he will become more abusive AND be able to blame you for his drinking because you drive him to it by bitching at him all the time about his drinking problem like he’s not a REAL man. (This is how he thinks)
You know how it will end. In tears, and most likely yours I am afraid to say.
“Sometimes, when he drinks, not every time, he becomes abusive. Not physically abusive. Verbally and, to some extent, emotionally abusive…”
Who needs that? Why are you even using his drinking as an excuse for his behaviour? What happens when he doesn’t drink, and the little comments come out if you have a disagreement? And they will.
Don’t find out the hard way.
My ex-husband was the same way. It started as emotional/verbal abuse whenever he was drinking, but it wasn’t long until he became physically violent.
Turns out, he had trouble approaching me about problems he had with me until he was drinking. When he drank, all logic and reasoning was thrown out the window while all the anger and resentment was poured out on unsuspecting me.
The problems festered within him and within me until one day, it wasn’t worth the trouble anymore…
People ask for advice when they are hoping to hear something other than what they already know is true. (source unknown)
You know how this movie ends.
I had a boyfriend who was an addict (it took me 6 months to discover that). He was a wonderful person and I loved him, but every day his habit took our relationship a little further down a path that could only lead to disaster for me. He chose drugs over his mother, over his ex-wife, over his children. I had to admit that he was not going to change for me. It broke my heart to see this good person destroying his life and hurting the people who loved him. I urged him to get help, but he had no interest in giving up drugs, despite the fact that he was miserable and ashamed.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please go to AlAnon. And please believe that things will get worse until your guy admits he has a problem and gets help.
This man clearly has a problem with drinking. The problem is this: when he drinks, he is abusive-- in some form or another-- to a person he cares about. This does not, however, mean he is alcoholic. People are often quick to label someone an alcoholic and shoo them towards AA or another twelve-step program. I believe this “one-size-fits-all” reaction often does more harm than good.
I suggest you and or he look into some organizations designed to help people with drinking issues and problems.
These sites offer information on both 12-step and also non-religious programs for people concerned about their alcohol use.
Alcohol is a very strange drug which affects people in numerous ways (obviously). Some friends of mine could take advice and moderate their drinking, others resented the criticism and went further into the bottle.
All I can say is that you have to present your SO with severe consequences if this behaviour continues. You must make him choose between his alcohol abuse and your company, from there on it is up to him.
Sorry I can’t say anything more encouraging, but things will only get worse for you if you don’t take a stand.
Doctor Goo Fee, AA isn’t for everybody, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be an option. (NOTHING is for everybody.)
I would be very wary of staying in a relationship with this man while he drinks, whether he actually is an alcoholic or not.
May I respectfully re
[oops]
-quest that this thread NOT turn into a debate over the pros and cons of AA. Doctor Goo Fee has made his/her views on 12-step programs all too clear in many another thread. This thread is for advice and support for someone living with a SO who has a problem with alcohol.
Thank you.
That part of his behavior will always over shadow every aspect of your relationship. Do you want that for you and your children the rest of your life? You speak of verbal/mental abuse as being less hurtful than physical abuse. It’s not the case, you just can’t see the scars. I can only suggest, from personal experience that you get out of this relationship now and don’t look back.
I don’t believe alcohol changes a person. It lowers inhibitions and if the person is a bastard, that is allowed to come out in situations where it would otherwise be suppressed.
I once had an employee who seemed like a pretty good guy, except that when he drank he had a tendency to get quite ugly and diagreeable. After I retired I then worked for him in a little company he had started and I discovered that even when sober he wasn’t all that great if you had to be around him a lot.
Watch out for such people.
I also am not so sure we should be too quick to label this man as an alcoholic. I have met some mean drunks out there who weren’t alcoholics - in fact, some of them rarely drank at all. But when they did you did not want to be around them.
Perhaps you could seek the counsel of a friend or relative who also knows him well. Because it is really only those who know him who can judge if he is an alcoholic.
That being said, I would definitely tell this man that he cannot, under any circumstances, be around you or the children while he is drinking. He wants to play with his friends? Fine, let them deal with him ALL night.
Don’t put up with this shit. You sound like a thoughtful, caring person who deserves better. Let him drink elsewhere.