Can domesticity make me happy?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have spent my life exploring the world and embarking on awesome and challenging adventures. I love nothing more than immersing myself in unfamiliar environments and learning new skills. I relish my solitude and am nomadic at heart. I lived in India for 8 months and then traveled through the Middle East for a year. I camped out with Bedouin, wrote poetry on Mt Sinai and was struck silent by the temples in Petra. I taught English in Indonesia and traveled around the coast of Australia with my girlfriend selling hand made books and teaching creative expression workshops. I have worked as a crisis support worker in a young women’s refuge and have performed with physical theater companies in Australia and New York.

My life has changed somewhat in the last year, however, and last night while doing the dishes to the sound of my SO killing virtual ‘bad guys’ on the computer, I realized I was happy! I am living in a culturally challenged area and have not made many friends. I am deeply in love with an awesome guy who I have decided to move in with …………… and I am happy.

I love cooking him dinner and watching movies with him. I love that I come home to him at the end of the day. We have been together for 8 months and I still feel like a teenager when we kiss. I like staying in and playing chess with him and listening to him talk passionately about things I was never really interested in. I even like doing his washing? I DON’T RECOGNIZE MYSELF! Did I mention that I was really happy? Do I sound incredulous? Have I been abducted by aliens?

I think the feminists that I have spent my life loving both platonically and intimately would behead me! Or at least kidnap me and try to reprogram my haywire system. Is there some innate unspoken, often unfulfilled, desire in women to play out the traditional role of house maker? Or am I just lucky enough to be in a uniquely wonderful and healthy relationship?

Did I mention that I am really happy?

Can this last?

2

Scantilly- I have a problem only with your last paragraph.

Do whatever makes you happy, but make it perfectly clear that you are speaking only for yourself!

Why do you have to imply that this could be some hidden thing that all women share down deep whether they act on it or not? Many people out there are idiots who believe anything they read, and many of those are unfortunately deeply invested in regressing to another era. This is the kind of stuff that will encourage them and make it that much harder on other women who want to be seen as autonomous and fiercely independent.

In theory, when you imply that your feelings (“all women have a secret desire to be nurterers”) are universal, you will put me (in the general sense – me and others like me) in a position where we have to prove that we actually like and chose our independence, as opposed to “making the best” of a situation that couldn’t possibly have been our first choice!

I was actually planning on starting a thread on this subject, but I might as well put my thoughts on the subject in my reply to your post because it fits so well: There has been a subtle shift in our culture over the past 15 years or so. Susan Faludi called it “Backlash”. Since she wrote her book, things have only gotten worse. Not too long ago, women said proudly: “We want to work, we want our own jobs/careers; we want independence.” All of a sudden we have reached a point where women say meekly and guiltily: “We have to work to make ends meet or to contribute to the household expenses”. They would rather bite their tongue off than admit that they enjoy their work and independence and own money. They once again have been brainwashed into believing that God will strike them dead if they selfishly admit to doing something because they want to and because they enjoy it.

This also implies that a woman’s first choice – once again – would be to stay home, as demonstrated in the increasingly popular “she’s so lucky – she can stay home”. What is happening to us??? All of a sudden women who want independence are looked upon again as objects of pity. And the idea that a women works to “contribute” to the household expenses is exceptionally troublesome, because it implies that the man is – once again – supposed to be the primary breadwinner and the women merely a cog in the family machine who helps out a little with the bills.

Women don’t admit anymore that they enjoy working. They speak of guilt and of being burned out. They “choose” to stay home: A slap in the face of our foremothers who have made it possible for us all to pursue carreers. Also, that “choice” is not really a choice. You are putting yourself at the mercy of someone else (presumably a spouse) who will have to agree to support you. What kind of a choice is that?

I am not advocating that people don’t couple up. I just think they shouldn’t do it for the wrong reasons, namely to once again slip into traditional roles. This is not a case of “if that’s what she likes, that’s her own business”. Things like that tend to become trends. Future and present generations of women will be influenced by it. Relationships are for companionship and having fun together and nothing else. Keep the finances and residences seperate.

Marriage is always hailed as the epitome of happiness, the ultimate goal that a person can achieve. Well, I look around and I see all the married people being stressed out and miserable, and the single people being laid back and relaxed and happy. What’s going on here? By forcing ourselves into traditional gender roles, are we actually kidding ourselves? Are we going against some little-understood component of human nature? Or why else do single people seem so much more youthful and happy than their married (especially those in gender-role adhering marriages) counterparts?

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Whoa, Suspenderzz! I don’t think she stated what you think she stated. She asked a question. Obviously, she’s enjoying another dimension of her diverse, fulfilling life. I don’t know how old she is, but I didn’t marry until I was 40 and I’m glad for both my single and my married lives. She’s in love, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! She wasn’t pushed into a traditional gender role. Some people are nurturing by nature (both men and women). I personally don’t think single people seem happier than married people. You can have happy, married, happy single, miserable married, and miserable single people (of both genders). It depends on the circumstances, and Scantilly seems like she’s enjoying another chapter of her life! Good for her!

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Suspenderzzz, maybe you should read her last paragraph again, since it bothered you so. She asked a question, and a rather lighthearted one at that.

Frankly, your last paragraph seems a bit over-the-top to me. I know plenty of miserable single people and plenty of happily married folk too. And I’m one of those women who–if my circumstances allowed it–would stay home with my children in a heartbeat. In your zeal to defend your own priorities, try to be sure you don’t stomp all over those held by others, mmkay?

Regardless, the OP says nothing about children, careers, or sacrificing independence. She’s talking about having lived–up to this point–a relatively exotic and far-ranging lifestyle and being faced with the possibility that a life of quiet, settled domesticity might be just as fufilling.
Scantilly–you sound like you’ve lived a great life so far, and I have complete faith in your ability to know your own mind. You sound like you’re very happy with your current situation, so I’m happy for you. :slight_smile:

Good luck and enjoy!

bella

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Kalhoun – as I said at the top of my post, I have to take issue with her suggestion that there is “some innate, unspoken, often unfulfilled desire in women to play out the traditional role of house maker.”

I am strongly urging her to add a disclaimer, and make it clear that she is only speaking for herself. Otherwise, the suggestion that down deep all women really just want to be nurturers has downright dangerous implications. Not to mention that it is factually wrong. For someone to suggest this, especially a woman, is every right-winger’s dream come true!

As a keen observer of human nature, it has been my observation that generally single people seem more relaxed, and younger somehow, no matter what their chronological age. And that married people, especially the middle-aged, suburban, mortgage-saddled, etc. types seem completely stressed out and frazzled for the most part. That is just an observation, completely unscientific. And of course, I have seen exceptions to this as well. Now you are probably going to say that that’s what I choose to see because it fits my own perception or some such bullshit.

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I also want to add that I have been in love many times, but that that has never brought out a desire in me to wash “his” socks, etc.! As a matter of fact, from experience I know that nothing kills romance faster than domestic drudgery. Ugh!

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Scantilly, congratulations. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve been abducted by aliens. It just sounds like you are very much in love with a great guy, and what you are doing is yet another adventure for you. And that is, indeed, a very, very good thing.
My guess is that you are the type of person who makes her own happiness. If you look at life as an adventure, then every situation has it’s thrilling qualities. You aren’t looking for domesticity to fulfill you–you are already fulfilled and happy within yourself. Many people never achieve that state, so enjoy! You’re doing great!

Suspenderzzz, I don’t think Scantilly is advocating that all women have some secret agenda to be homemakers, nor do I agree with your generalizations. It might be an interesting thread to start in Great Debates, but I hate to see her parade rained on. She doesn’t strike me as fitting your generalizations.

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Scantilly - it is normal to be happy when you are truly in love. When you do the things that the other person appreciates- regardless of what that might be, domestic or otherwise, it gives you the feeling you are experiencing. I have always believed that I could be happy no matter what my circumstances as long as I was with someone who made me feel that way. Congratulations. Enjoy it. You are very lucky. I think most people settle for a good relationship and never know the type of relationship you are in, which causes the high level of divorce.

Will it last? Depends. As long as you are both being your real selves, as long as you continue to communicate, as long as you don’t stop spending time with each other in such a way that you can drift apart as you continue to grow, because everyone changes as they get older, or should. Above all, as long as you don’t ever let resentment build between the two of you, yes it can. It is work to keep a relationship going well. As long as you do that work, it will.

To Suspenderzz - I think the real issue is that women are now expected to do both everything they did before and have careers besides. Men do not carry 50% of the child care and housework, they generally help more than they used to, but it isn’t enough, so we do burn out. The underlying problem is that men are raised to define their self image by their careers, and women are still raised to define their self image by their home life. Look at women’s magazines - they are about love and homes and families. I am speaking as a woman who works full time as a professional who has a 2 year old son. I love my job, would be miserable as a stay at home mom, but I am burned out. I feel like I fail on all fronts. I am not the mother, the career person, nor is my home what I want it to be. My husband claimed he would do 50% of house work, etc, prior to getting married, but is a workaholic and bites off more than he can chew to prove himself for his ego. What do I do? Either I can burn out, or he can be depressed with terrible self esteem. Our fore mothers thought we could have both, and the turth is, there are not enough hours in the day. Are you saying I shouldn’t want both, I should give up being a mother for my career? Much as I love the challenge, I think being a mother is more important to society and to me as well. I love my son and he comes first. I would stay home if I could afford to, and probably be unhappy, but less unhappy than I am right now.

The best I can do is try to raise my son not to be like his father, to place his self worth in his overall success, not just his career success. I can’t do that if I never see him because I am always at work.

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Suspenderzzz, I would gently suggest that YOU add a disclaimer to your opinions. Scantilly is “suggesting” nothing–she is making an observation of her own situation, and it’s unfair to bring your own agenda into the situation. Take it to Great Debates, please. The girl is HAPPY. Let her be.

10

KALHOUN, I am 32 years old and still consider myself to be independant but not as fiercely as I was when I was younger.These days I prefer to call myself gently and boldly independent. My humor has nudged my seriousness aside a little and I am thoroughly enjoying my own incredulity at my current situation.

I suspect that it is possible to continue living a vibrant, passionate, fascinating life at the same time as having a deeply fulfilling relationship. I guess I am just fascinated by my own joyous response to a new and previously foreign and frightening scenario.

By the way, my SO does the dishes and the washing and cooks dinner for me too!

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I suspect that you are right. :slight_smile:

And he cooks, does dishes, and washes…hmmmm! No wonder you’re happy! Again, enjoy. Life is good.

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Suspenderzzz. Wow girl, you made a lot of assumptions about what I was supposedly suggesting.

I was just asking a question about whether or not there was some innate desire within women to nurture. I personally don’t know what the answer is and hesitate to make any such assumption. Does a light hearted question really need a disclaimer?

More than anything I believe in joy as a great indicator of whether or not something is good for me. Just because I can be happy making dinner for someone I love doesn’t mean I am shackled to the sink! I am just exploring a new kind of adventure and maintaining an ongoing and questioning conversation with my soul. (I mean soul in the poetic sense as opposed to the religious sense!)

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chrisk72 – what you describe in your reply to me is not something I really see or have experienced. I was raised in a relatively gender-neutral environment. And in my adult life I have always naturally gravitated toward same, having it strike me as odd when I saw sexist stereotypes perpetuated. I thought that these types of ideas only existed anymore in the Ozarks of Arkansas and places like that. For all I know, that’s where you are. Sorry you feel so torn. Maybe you would have been happier either staying single or doing the housewife thing full-time. Well, you’re stuck now. Good luck.

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I’m a little confused…

Here you say that you are offended that she’s making a generalization about what kinds of feelings all women share … but then …

…here it seems you are making the assumption that all women enjoy working.

Did I miss something?

15

Wow, good to know that since you haven’t personally experienced something it doesn’t exist.

A tip–you’re coming across as a major ass. Get off your soapbox and go grind that axe somewhere else.

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Okay, I’ll humor you: Women who enjoy working don’t admit to that fact anymore because…[see the rest of that post from which you quoted].

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Suspenderzz - I live in Chicago. I was raised to believe I could do whatever I want. I am a female engineer, so I broke through most barriers myself. I love my career. I never feel like I encounter sexism. But girls still play with Barbie dolls and tea sets whereas boys play with trains and tools. I have tried to buy my son kitchen sets and such, but he only wants to play with the masculine toys. From the time he was 4 months old he loved tools. You can’t tell me I did something in the first 4months of his life to make him that wayl You can’t tell me you never see Redbook or Cosmo or Better Homes and Gardens on the newstand next to Popular Mechanics.
I would not be happier if I were single - I love having a partner to share my life with. I would not be happier without my son - he is the best part of my life. I would be happier if my house magically cleaned itself and I could afford to work 3 days a week.

Everyone has baggage. I agree with Belladonna that you take too many things to the extreme and that seems to be your issue, not mine.

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I’d like to join Scantilly in her celeration. :smiley:

I had a very active, full live. I can’t say I’ve traveled the ends of the earth, nor would I have wanted to. I have done a ton of travelling… all domestic, but it worked for me. I haven’t done half the things Scantilly has done but I’ve done what has worked for me. I had a good live. Then Rico came back into my life…

If someone would have suggested I could be happy washing someone’s socks I would have hurt myserlf laughing. I am middle aged living in the burbs and totally happy washing my hubby’s socks.

Cheers Scantilly :smiley:

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Scantilly, yay for you for enjoying yourself. Domesticity can indeed be very enjoyable. I like it a lot myself. I have had adventures too, and look forward to more in the future, but right now, home is a happy place and making it that way is something I enjoy. Yay for trying new things, even the ‘old-fashioned’ ones!

Suspenderzz, boy, way over the top there. Start a GD thread or something, because I would like to rip into you for this:

As a stay-at-home mom who has chosen what she wants to do, I take huge issue with that. My foremothers, btw, did not fight to force me into a career; they fought so that I could choose my own life, whether that be career, family, or both at once.

20

Congratulations, Scantilly! It does sound like you’ve mastered the art of making your own happiness, as bodypoet suggests.

Unlike someone who works for a corporation, which, as we all know, is a completely secure and dependable position in which to be.

Gee, this sounds suspiciously like certain religious conservatives who argue against legalizing gay marriage. Are there any other things you would like me to refrain from doing for the sake of society? I’ll get on them right away. Well, after I rush right out and get a paying job so that I can have the fulfillment inherent in bringing home a paycheck, however little I want to do the work.

Is there a Pit thread yet? I’ve never really wanted to participate in one before.