Can I buy a JW-detecting perimeter alarm for my home?

The BBQ Pit
21

In 12 months we’ve had maybe one or two JW incursions. They don’t seem to be as prevalent around here, and for that I’m glad. But the last one really pissed me off, even without speaking to me.

It was approximately 9am one morning, and I was in bed after finishing work at midnight the night before. I’d had about 5 hours of sleep at that point, and was hopefully in line for about four more. Not so. Into the depths of sleep comes this hellish BANG. BANG. BANG! That managed to wake me up, but I didn’t know what it was. A few moments later it repeated. Groggy and confused as hell, I yanked the quilt off of hubby and stumbled my way to the front door. But by that time, they’d figured nobody was home and moved on to the next house.

I nearly launched myself through the door and grabbed the nearest little old lady or man around the neck. I was so tempted to shake them until their ears rattled while yelling “Who the fuck taught you your door knocking manners you hamfisted old cuntbundle!”. I mean, I can understand knocking a little harder if your first knock seems to go unheard, but this fucker was pounding like he meant to beat the door down.

But I didn’t so anything after that. I was too tired, and went back to bed.

22

Actually, I used to get some of the younger ones. We’d play “Interpret the Bible Verse.” They’d offer one interpretation. I’d counter with another. They’d get a thoughtful look in their eyes, and the interview was over. Now they send the older ones.

I actually don’t mind talking with them now that they’ve stopped coming over every friggin’ day off. We talk about the end of the world, whether or not these are the darkest days of humanity. I’ve even read some of their books debunking evolution. I’ve made no bones about the fact that I ain’t signing up for the cult, but they keep coming back. The conversations are entertaining.

23

What I found interesting about the OP is that she never told them she wasn’t interested.

I have a foolproof way of dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses, as well as any other unwanted solicitors. I say “I am not interested. Please do not come back to my house. Thanks.” Works every time, and I’m not required to be an antisocial bastard as described in so many posts above.

24

I’m getting “Is God Real?” and some website which I refuse to further promote.

I used to have JWs come to my place, but they were always polite and respecful. They would come mid-morning (say 10:00am), when I was dead asleep due to a night-shift job. I would give them $.50 for their copies of Watchtower/whatever other newsletter they were hocking, and they would go away.

I kind of felt bad about that, because one of the regulars was a very foxy young lady (and I was single at the time), but she always came with a VERY LARGE male person (which was probably a good policy, all things considered), so I didn’t ever attempt to flirt/otherwise engage her in conversation.

I even asked (and they brought on their next visit) for their book on Revelation (now, that’s a hoot). They still were never an intrusion (other than expecting me to be awake during the day), and eventually they quit visiting.

I kind of miss them, actually. I haven’t had a JW visit for fifteen years.

25

This is great! We were just talking about the Master Wang-Ka thread a few hours ago at Ren Faire. That one still evokes wonderful mental pictures!

26

It’s Nerf. Or it’s nothing.

27

we haven’t been pestered by JW’s for quite a while, back when i was in high school we used to be pestered by them every smegging weekend, my parents were always nice to them and politely told them we weren’t interested, but every weekend, like clockwork THEY…WERE…THERE…

one weekend i was sick with the flu, on the couch, my parents had gone to get flu meds, i was alone in the house, i was in my late teens, and had my boombox on the floor, listening to some music (either Ozzy or Alice Cooper, i think it was Ozzy)

sure enough, the JW’s came by and woke me out of a fever sleep, i was angry, someone had to pay, so i grabbed the boombox, cranked the volume up to 11, and accompanied by the strains of Ozzy Osbourne, i stalked to the door, all unkempt and scruffy lookin’, tore open the door angrily, fixed them with my best “i could just as soon snap you in half as look at you” stare and said roughly and gravelly…

“WADDAYA WANT?!?”

“uhh, nothing…”
then why are you bothering me
(stare gets colder and angrier, i may have started drooling, i was somewhat feverish, and Ozzy was wailing away at the top of his lungs)
“uhh…we’re from the local jehovas wi”
i cut them off as soon as i heard that word…
NOT INTERESTED, GO AWAY! <slam>
i slam the door with a house-shaking slam, stalk back to the couch and flop in it, pausing only to glare at them over the couch, they stand there, then i spy the old sword over the fireplace (visible from the porch), i stumble off the couch and unhook the leather staps holding it in place, glare over at the JW’s

they turn tail and run…

last month, we were visited again, i was working on my bike, they drove up and got out of the car, gave their terrorist spiel, then handed me their stupid paperwork

“oh good, i was looking for some kindling for the fireplace, thanks. no i’m not interested in your religion, go away”
i went back to adjusting the bike’s rear deraileur and ignored them, after a few minutes it was clear they weren’t going to leave
“you did notice the 'no trespassing” signs when you drove in, right? well guess what, you’re tresspassing, LEAVE NOW"
i grab a crescent wrench and turn towards the tresspassers, they get in the car and leave

i kinda hope they show up again, if they do i’ll have to introduce them to my good freind Mr. Mossberg, just the sound of him “waking up” should send them running…

28

Do you know why JW’s have inverted nipples?

From generations of people poking them in the chest while shouting, “Get offa my fucking porch!”

29

Bolding mine.

30

Answer the door wearing a pair of panties (preferably in a leopard print) and carrying a gun.

31

The Jeff Foxworthy solution: draw a chalk body outline on your front walk and surround it with religious pamphlets.

32

I’ve only once been approached in my home by the JW’s and that was many years ago.

But a Catholic friend of mine once told me that a couple of their missionaries once walked up to the rectory of the bishop of the diocese he was in. Went right past the little sign on the gate, ignored the figure of St. Francis in the flowerbed, and tried to witness to the bishop. I guess he came out himself and talked to them for a while, then they parted ways.

Honestly, what chance did they think they had of converting a higher ranking member of the Catholic clergy?

33

When I lived in DC, I soon came to realise this was a major training ground for LDS missionaries, who flocked to the Metro-DC area because of the massive Temple on the Beltway. It’s the Eastern Seabord’s Mormon Mecca.

They seemed especially attracted to my neigborhood, Dupont Circle, probably because that’s DC’s equivalent of the Castro, and why not cut to the chase and aim right for Sodom.

I was getting LDS missionaries at my door at least once a week. “Not interested” wasn’t decreasing this frequence, because I think few of these folks stuck around and spread the word to other missionaries. They were all cutting their teeth while waiting assignment to Korea or wherever, so every week was a fresh, new, hopeful, relentlessly-friendly face.

I’d finally had enough.

One morning I put a big piece of white paper up on my door that said, in giant red letters: SATAN RULES!

That very afternoon, two cheeful middle-aged ladies, JW this time, upon my opening the door, greeted me with “It’s true! Satan does rule this world! That’s why we need to tell you about…”

GAAAAAAAAH!

34

If you wanna hear something scary, I’ve heard that now the Scientologists are going door to door. Maybe if you tell them Xenu was framed they’ll get scared and go away?

35

If you wanna hear something scary, I’ve heard that now the Scientologists are going door to door. Maybe if you tell them Xenu was framed they’ll get scared and go away?

36

I would loan you Bessie the Labrador, but she is mainly atturned to Repel Mormons.*
*The most godawaful sound ever emitted by this beast occurred the time two Mormon missionaries made it up the walk, onto the porch and to the front door undetected before ringing the bell. The resultant outburst has gone down in family lore as the Mormon Howl.

37

The overpass on the Beltway where the Temple loomed straight ahead as you drove toward it used to have a prominent “SURRENDER DOROTHY” graffito.

38

I got visited by JWs exactly once. I smiled politely, said “No thanks, this is a devout atheist household,” and they were out of there like a shot, never to return.

I figured this out when the Baptists visited me, before. I started by politely saying I was Jewish, and not interested. (I didn’t want to scare them, stupid me.) They started with the Jews need to be saved crap, and I went into my patented 2,000 years of oppression of my people by Christians rant, and they ran, sure that as soon as I stopped talking I was going to punch their lights out.

They give me a wide berth.

No Mormons - my neighborhood is up to its ass in Mormons, and the people we bought our house from were. They probably put the lambs blood on the door posts or whatever they do to avoid getting disturbed.

39

“Oh, we are Unitarians” seems to work as well.

One of my girlfriends was going through a hard time when the JW came to her front door. They were great listeners and for weeks they came every week while she poured out her heart about her birth-father’s death (her husband, understanding guy, was lacking the patience for the depth of her hard time).

About the time she started to get over the whole thing, they moved. She said it was the least expensive therapy imaginable. My friend is one of those amazing charismatic people who you talk to for an hour and realize its mostly about her and you don’t mind, so I’m sure the JW never got a chance to talk much religion. My friend is also an atheist with a “raised atheist, really don’t “get” religion” interest in the whole idea.

40

Can these guys be roped into doing your heavy household chores if you listen to them? Has anybody here ever tried that?