Jehovah's just stopped by my house.

It’s been quite some time since they’ve ninja’d up onto my doorstop. On a rural route, we usually hear them driving up and hear the tell tale noise of the vintage minivan’s door sliding open. None of our friends have minivans. They wouldn’t be caught dead in a minivan. Everyone I know drives a truck. A real AMERIKUN TRUCK. Fuckin’ A Minivans are for soccer moms and pussy’s ©.

I work later on today and since my kids are older, they are left alone for about four hours of brainless TV/video game watching. (I’m the best mom evar.)

The ladies were dressed in the latest polyester circa 1975, one did all the talking the other watched the talking one’s every word ( I don’t know if she was deaf or just that pathetic in her door to door Godness stuff.) But she was 70, if she was a day old with a hairstyle straight out of Little House on the Prarie Bun on the top of the head. The Talker’s hair was DutchBoy in Senior Gray. They both had to be in their 70’s. I probably would have a lovely time chatting with them if they didn’t pull out the Religious Claptrap. Old people crack me up. They are either very with it, which surprises me or Tragically so far out of it they live in a bubble.

The Watchtower’s theme this installment is " Unemployment". The spiel is how it can cause stress. Well, no fucking shit. Really? Here in Michigan? The highest Unemployement rates in the nation? We’re stressed out here? Really? BUT the WATCHtower has helpful advice to get you through this stressful times? Job connections? A Magical PhD degree? Winning Lottery numbers ? I can’t wait!

Frankly, I don’t know about you, but my number one priority when a Jehovah shows up is To Get Rid Of Them.

I thought about stripping down while talking to them.

I thought about telling my daughter to “get mah Gun”

I thought about telling them I work for a much larger and financially Behemoth Christian Company…errrr…religion.

I thought about telling them I was an atheist.

I thought about throwing the cat at them.

But, my 10 year old daughter was right there listening and I don’t want to set a bad example on people who are doing what they think is right and essentially are harmless. Listen to them for 5 minutes, take the crap they are handing out and send them on their way. Trying to convince people like that they are deluded is a waste of breath.
I can teach her the fine art of sarcasm and stuff later on.

WatchTower’s make good firestarters. That’s the only good I’m going to get out of it.

You need a sword.

You are more patient than I. I have not answered the door or answered the door and yelled at them for waking me up or slammed the door in their faces while shouting go away and never come back. They always show up around 930-10 am, not real early but I work nights and tend to stay up late and sleep in the next morning. Sometimes I remind them that Jesus didn’t go door to door.

I thought this would be a much more interesting anecdote, but I guess it was just a misplaced apostrophe.

“Look, I’d had a lovely dinner and all I said was…”

Wait until you get the stuttering God Squad at your door. They really do test your faith.

My method, which works amazingly well, is very simple: “Sorry, I’m not interested.” :close door and go back to whatever I was doing:

I know it’s less entertaining than some of the OP’s ideas, but really, why do people feel the need to have a confrontation or make some sort of point when these folks show up? Not worth my time.

Alas, this is what I also did a couple of months back. I realize this is what their religion dictates to them: “Go forth and hand out pamphlets.” I figure they’re human beings too and really, being polite is more my style than being a prick.

That is truly a classic post. Wasn’t there another one that involved the use of a double-ended ice blue dildo?

I invited them into my house one time, and asked them what they wanted to talk about.

Their reply:

Gee, I don’t know, we have never got this far before.

I now have a big ugly dog that has to be put up when I’m expecting a pizza, because he tries desperately to get through the door and attack the delivery guy (with his tongue). I’d train it out of him, but nothing gets rid of a Jehovah’s Witness or any other unwanted door ringer than opening the door barely holding on to the collar of a giant slavering beast who’s choking himself trying to escape and kill you. It’s a beautiful thing.

Bonus points if you say “Whoa, whoa, my hand is slipping here! Oh dear God, don’t let it happen again!” You could time them for the world record JW 100 m dash.

Although they weren’t Jehova’s, some other religious group crept up to my friends front porch at about 8 one morning on a saturday. We were the only ones there, and when the door bell rang, he didnt get up. I’ve known him forever, been to his house alot. So I checked it out.

There were men in suits, and they asked me to step outside. At 17, I thought I might be in trouble. I had no idea. When I got out there, it began. I was wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt with a skull on it, and thats where they started. The questions ranged from have you accepted christ to a roundabout do you know you are on your way to a fiery hell, when he asked me the question that changed my morning.

I wanted to go back to sleep. Bad. Honestly, I’m not at all religious. I’ll spare you the details. After a previous barrage of questions and some explanation, one of the men asked me, “If you were to die today, are you sure you would go to heaven?” I suppose I was trying to be obnoxious. I said yes. Easy, right? I didn’t care, and maybe this would save me some time. He then asked me why. This is where I made a huge mistake. I told him flat out, that I was perfect.

He pulled a bible on me and began spitting versus, and after what seemed like forever, they decided they wanted to save me. They asked me to follow them in a prayer. I decided to stop being semi-tolerant, and went inside. Before they left however, they asked me to attend their church. I agreed, and filled out the little form for a church bus to come to the residence. I wrote my friends name, adress, and now on wednesdays ans sundays the church bus shows up for him :slight_smile:

There are two teenage boys in dress pants, dress shirt, and ties that bicycle down my road that I’m pretty sure are JW. However, they never stop at my house, which is great with me. I asked my friend who was brought up JW about it and he said you can request they not visit your home and that request is supposed to last several years.

Sometimes I’m in the mood to talk. I am here with a small child all day so religious chat can be a welcome diversion. The past few times I’ve let it be known immediately that I’m a very happy Buddhist and that has actually sparked questions from the door knockers. I’ve had a few JWs but there was this one really nice old lady who says she’s non-denom, just going door-to-door to ask if anyone needs help or prayers. I let her pray for me, we talked for about an hour outside on the porch while my little girl played. It was really quite pleasant. I hope it made her feel useful. If you look at them as fellow humans just trying to make sense of it all instead of focusing on their religion it helps.

There are times I’m not in the mood, but I try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. They are on a mission, right or wrong. They aren’t setting out to hurt anyone. I am getting more and more anti-religious in my old age, but I think I’m gaining patience with other people. However none have come early and messed with my sleep yet. :knock on wood:


That’s the Mormon uniform.

I didn’t think we had Mormons around here but I could be wrong.

Usually I would be polite and try to convert them to the Lutheran Church but they don’t stop at my house anymore. And it is because of a “mostly” accident on my part. For the 250th anniversary of the Battle of Kittanning I decided to be one of the Delaware warriors from that event. I have done Living History since I was little and NEVER was I “British” and that battle not having a lot of choices, I went Native.

I shaved everything from my toenails up and went whole hog. It was NOT NOT NOT pretty. I looked like a bad cross between Uncle Fester and Charlie Brown with a sunburn, pissed off and ready to kill. I got home and was unpacking when the JWs rang the bell. Without thinking I went and answered - still in a breechclout, war shirt, leggins, a trade ax in my belt and my musket in my hand. They literally dropped their jaws and started stammering. I hadn’t intended to make anyone uncomfortable ---- but since it happened the Evil Troll in me took over and I just said “Ugh – missionaries. The other white meat”. The two of them (one man and one woman) beat feet off my porch like it had turned to lava. Haven’t seen hide or hair of them again.

Now if I could just do something about the Mormons ---------------

My niece is a JW, and her mother is a lesbian. You can image the conversations they have! I love to engage them in conversation, then state “I would never join a group that would let a person die before allowing a bllod transfusion.”

A lesbian friend of my sister had told them several times that she and her partner were lesbians and would not jin their group. They seem to think this was a challenge and showed up many times. Finally she raised her arms up to heaven and started screaming for Jehovah to cast out the demons in these two souls. They ran and never came back.

Getting rid of Mormons is easy. Tell them you won’t join a group that doesn’t treat all people equally. Since they do not allows women into the preisthood, there is no rebuttal.