Witness this Fuckwads!! Part II

The BBQ Pit
1

**I have a long driveway. Paved, lot’s of trees, and a big, not tied up dog who likes to growl if he senses something out of the ordinary. Well groomed and trained, he will not do much of anything without my say-so. My yard is nice, large and anally mainatained…I’m off for the summer :slight_smile:

I hear a low rumble coming from my loling pup laying down next to me. Thats odd. It’s a beautiful day, we just came in from a little wallup outside…What could be up?

Then his head raises, he looks directly out the front door, then up at me. I look and see two figures walking up the drive … women.

They get to the door, I walk down and greet them…
.
It’s a little late in the year for girlscout cookies, whats that book under her arm…

“We’re here in the name of our lord…”

Thats basically when I stopped listening, and felt the core temperature start to rise in my body. One can only be told they are sinning and going to hell for so long. To quote Robert Ingersoll

These ladies were verging on both, they were trespassing, and uniquely insane by telling me I’m going to hell.

*I’d tell you to go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on, but looking at that stupid grin on your face, I’d say you already have. Or to do yourself and everyone else a favor: take a fatal overdose of your medication.
*

Then it happened, she reached to open my door. MY DOOR…
The screen was locked so I just stood there watching her with he little pamphlet…"Will you take this literature, it will show you who god will pick when the day of rapture descends upon us all…Do you want your children to go to hell, to be tempted by the cloven foot himself?

Did she say cloven?

Lady you mention my children one more time, I’ll exercise my God given right to open my door and let my dog escort you to the road…

JW number two pipes in.
“We are not afraid … the lord will protect his chosen ones.”

I turn look up at my dog (Rhodesian Ridgeback) who is still laying on the floor looking with full intention at the two women. and I say, " Satan!! Come here boy!!" give a quick whistle and snap of my finger (which was really the trigger for him to come, as his name is Grissholm)

I turn back around to a little pamphlet stuck in between the door and the screen. And the two women hurriedly walking away. I walk out side with the pamphlet and dog…And I scruntch the pamphlet up and huck it at them. The dog stays next to me because yes, he’s that well trained.

In my final yell I say half laughing!!

There was a time when religion ruled the world Ladies. It was known as The Dark Ages.

They just shook their heads and kept walking, looking back over their shoulder from now and again making sure Grissholm wasn’t right behind them…

Why do fundies do such stupid idiotic things…and this is the second time this happened to me in a year… Can’t they tell their little cronies at the asylum to avoid the big house with a long driveway…?

2

I have no patience for that. I will slam the door in your face.

3

That sucks. I hate when anybody but delivery persons or guests with whom I want to visit come to my door.

I wonder if putting a sign at the bottom of your driveway saying “No trespassing. Violators will be eaten by dog” will work.

4

I was thinking about that…or possibly simply “No Solicitors”

frigg’in whack-jobs.

5

Phlosphr, I like you.

6

When I see them coming, I hide and turn off the lights.

7

Well, fundamentalist Christianity and highhanded rudeness go together like peanut butter and jelly.

“Well done!” I say to the OP

8

Just answer the door naked…

-FK

9

Reminds me of some friends of mine who were accosted in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

“Have you found Jaysus?”

My friends looked at each other quizzically.

“We didn’t know he was lost.”

10

Yet another reason I keep an old ballbat beside the door.

11

“Grissholm… crotchsniff!”

12

I went to the door early one Saturday in my underware…they left rather quickly.

13

Calling the dog satan is priceless!

Just having a loud dog keeps them from trying to open my door at least :slight_smile:

I got one that came by when I was pregnant and started giving me the ‘don’t you want your child to be saved’ routine.

I’m thinking the next ones that come by I should invite inside… and tell them they are just in time as I needed a fundie for our ritual sacrifice!

14

Lieu

Had they been male I may have said.

Chopper sic balls

or

Lucifer wan some candy?

15

Some proselytizers may ignore a “No Solicitors” sign as they’re not selling something. As long as they didn’t open my door, that’s one of the few times I’d really get grumpy about them showing up, I think.

Opening your door is a huge no-no. When I lived with my parents, there was one group of Jehovah’s Witnesses that decided to leave some reading material after no one answered our door. Instead of perhaps rolling it up and slipping it into the metal scrollwork on the door (like door-to-door salesmen now do in the porch hand railing where I live now), the guy opened the door and put it inside. We lived in a rural area where no one locked their doors until nightfall (if even then), and so it was shocking that someone had essentially trespassed. After I heard the outer door then peeked into the hall and discovered what had happened, I opened the outer door fully, flung the reading material (one of those Watchtower booklets, so it had some mass to it) out onto the gravel driveway like it was a frisbee, glared at them, then turned, entered the house, and very obviously locked the door behind me. When I peeked out, I saw the guy retrieve the booklet before leaving.

16

I love this. I also have “stranger names” for my dog. Bruno is a good one. Or Butch, Spike, Harley, etc.

I’m always polite to evangelists. No one is more vicious and unscrupulous than an angry Christian.

17

Oh, I enjoy toying with them. I tell them I’m an atheist, and just laugh charmingly at whatever brand of superstition they throw at me.

18

A fellow at work has got to be one of the most patient people I’ve met in my life. He’s in his 70s and he looks like a white-haired wizard. When JW visited him, he told them he was a druid. They seemed to be kind of ignorant as to what that meant, so he invited them in and explained it to them.

He said they sat there for hours trying to convince him to become JW like them, but he just politely replied that it was his religious upbringing and he would always remain faithful to it.

I don’t know that he’s actually a druid, but he sure has the theology for it ready to shoot from the hip.

19

May I be permitted a slight hijack?
Used to be that my local hospitals would always ask your religion on admission. If you told them you’d rather not say, they would write down “atheist” and then you’d get visited by every chaplain, etc. to “comfort” you. Another time I asked “Which religion will get me the best room?” and they were offended. So I said “Protestant” and got all the passing Protestant clergy visiting. The next time (I have been in the hospital a lot) I decided I had to put down a specific religion that would be unlikely to have any clergy locally. I was not quite brave enough to tell them “Druid,” so I said “Humanist.” Funny thing was, they did not have enough room on the wristband for all 8 characters, so they just entered “Human,” which I thought covered all bases nicely.
End hijack.
Thank you.

20

The last ones who knocked on my door were sending their children while they stood out on the curb. As I’m only an incomplete asshole, I didn’t tease the boy and just politely told him no (while glaring at what I assume was his mother).

Adults I do my best to send home crying.