Oh, joyeux day. Oh, blessed occasion. Where to begin?
She has lived in the house in front of mine for the 12+ years I’ve lived here. When we first moved in, I kept getting her mail, which was weird since she’d lived there for deecades before I moved in. Anyway, a few days after I moved in I walked over to her front door and knocked, with a handful of her mail ( again ) in my hand. The first few days, I’d popped it into her mailbox. I figured, it’s time to meet her.
( aside- I loathe dogs, and especially large ones. I’ve been attacked a few times in my life. dogs see me, they see an afternoon snack in size 13 Nike’s. ).
She comes to the door with a growling snarling foaming german shepherd. She cracks the door and glares at me. I told her I had her mail, and maybe one of us should talk to the mailman? Here was her reply, roughly.
" Leave it in my box. Don’t come near my door again. You see this dog? His name is Jaws. He’ll rip out your throat and I’ll let him if any man comes up at my door, you hear me? ".
Lovely. Oh yes, I hear you. Now, over the years we’ve had cause to talk, usually somewhat civilly. During a hurricane-like storm a tree on my side of the line fell, and landed against her tree- thus saving her life, as my tree would have crushed her roof and landed right in her bedroom.
I never saw the tree the next day, but within 24 hours I’d been served a Certified Letter informing me that I had X amount of time to remove it or be sued. Hmph. I paid to have it cut away and removed within a day or so. No biggie- but why the Certified Letter? Why not just walk over and ring the bell, and say, " check this out !! Did you see the tree? ". I was horrified that it might have wrecked her home or hurt her.
About 6 years ago, my son and daughter were walking up the driveway. Her house is up near the road, ours is back at the end of a 300 foot driveway.
Jaws got loose. He went tearing through the shrubs and without missing a beat lunged at my then- 11 year old son, snapping his mouth down. She yelled for the dog, he ran back to her.
Son and daughter get into house. Son is white as a sheet, shaking, freaked. Teeth marks torn into his shirt- and incredibly, not a mark on his chest. The dog did lunge, DID bite- and missed. Be clear here, the dog ran way into our property to do the attack.
I’m totally overwhelmed, because of my…uh… predisposition. My doobell rings a few moments later. She’s FURIOUS. Here is what she had to say, and I will never forget the level of mental illness presented in her statement.
" Do you have any idea how angry I am? Do you have any idea how dangerous this was? My dog almost got your son’s blood in his mouth- GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT KIND OF DISEASES HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN !! "
She was dead serious. She was livid that her dog had attacked my son. I closed the door and called 911.
The cops showed up, I explained what had happened. ( through tears. A lunatic WITH an attack dog? And my son? Please. ). I knew the cop from ambulance calls I did, and suggested she might want to unholster her weapon before she drove over to the woman’s driveway, as this woman seemed pretty crazy and might well let her dog loose on HER. She nodded sat into her cruiser, popped the latch on her holster and put her gun next to her. Drove away.
Came back about 10 minutes later. Got out. RE holstered her gun. Came up to the door where I was standing. I said, well ? She informed me that she got into a screaming match WITH GUN IN HAND with this woman, telling her to lock the dog into the house so they could talk. The woman apparently was of the opinion that if the cop had any balls, she would get out and approach the stairs with the dog lunging frantically at the top of them, and speak her piece.
The cop told me to call if anything happened again. Apparently they knew this woman already, and had dealt with her before. Since the attack did not draw blood, it cannot legally count as a dog attack in New York State ( and, the first bite is “free” in this state, disgustingly enough. Even if it results in profound injury or death).
The next delightful neighborly event was when this insane creature decided that my propertly line was not my property line and started clearing the woods next to my house. ( we share a line ). I asked her what she was doing, it got ugly, we both walked away and I figured she’d cool it.
Instead, she took the novel approach of filing a charge of Insurance Fraud against her own Title Insurance Company, claiming that they had misrepresented her property lines when doing the survey prior to the purchase of her home, and she insisted that a new survey be done at their expense or she would sue.
I learned this from the survey crew that showed up one day. Cool, I figured, go for it. It was unbelievable.
Turns out the long line of huge tall cedar trees that we thought defined a shared property line DON’T. My property line cuts into her front lawn !! Now, I am not one to go into war with people I live near, and the trees DO form an incorrect line but heck. We’re talking about a line about 8-15 feet in, and it runs about…hmm… 100 feet from the inner corner of our shared line out to the street. I didn’t care to do anything about it.
Her response to the news that instead of my being in the wrong, the lines we had both believe to be accurate were wrong in my favor, was to rip out every single post marker that the survey team had placed in her lawn, and around back of her house/front of my house.
So. This fucking lunatic is moving out, and I hope, I dearly hope, that whomever moves in is a shade more sane and non-violent in her approach to live. I don’t plan to say boo about the mistaken line unless they bring it up- and who would do so?
Fuckin’ good riddance, you hateful freaked out loathesome angry bitch. Hope you fucking rot in hell, or wherever it is you are moving to.
Cartooniverse
