My friend “Penny” has quite a bit of hair that frizzes out all the time. She washes it just once every two weeks “because it’s an ordeal” that lasts 45 minutes at least.
What I don’t know how to tell her is that her scalp smells. When you wash your hair, you are washing the scalp too, but this is not the case with Penny.
This has actually been going on for years, though I am not sure how many.
What do you think?
If I were Penny, I’d want to know. Can you tell her gently?
Oh my. This is fraught with land mines.
I, would also want to know.
How close friends are you?
Could you buy her a beauty shop visit?
And extol the way it makes you smell so nice to have a clean scalp and hair.
Buy her a nice shampoo and say “You won’t believe how nice you smell after using this!”
Are you sure she’s not suffering from some sort of depression or mental health issue?
Bc two weeks sounds like a long time not to take care of basic hygiene issues.
I’m not sure what the right thing to do here is. But I’d want to make damn sure I’m saying or doing the right thing. Otherwise I might make things worse.
I think next time I noticed it, I would act confused and say, “Do you smell something?” and then sniff around and “discover” that it was her hair. Then I would say, “did you use a different shampoo? It doesn’t smell right”, or some such thing. Probably you’d have to keep doing this from time to time.
Or maybe you could convince her to get it cut so the care wouldn’t be such an ordeal?
I’d tell them straight up, in the nicest way I could think of. Something like “There’s something I think you should know, but it may be a little hurtful to hear. Is now a good time to tell you?”
If you’re not up to that, then you could try an anonymous note. Something like “I’m a friend but I’m afraid to tell you in person, so I’m telling you through this anonymous note – sometimes your head smells bad, and I think it might be because you don’t wash your scalp often enough.”
Either way, she’ll probably have her feelings hurt, but ultimately she should be glad to know it.
EDIT: If she is facing depression or some other mental health challenge, then this probably is not the right strategy.
^ This. Any beating around the bush or dropping obscure hints is going to go right over her head.
Absolutely not. That’s a terrible thing to do to someone you like.
Just tell her you don’t want to make her feel bad, but you can smell her scalp. .
Buying a beauty shop visit could be fun, especially if the OP wants to go with her. A spa day can be good if that’s their thing. A cosmetologist is usually smooth enough to give tactful suggestions too, might give nice hygiene advice as part of the visit.
Agreed on both points. Just come out and say it, and don’t put her in the position where she’s forever wondering which of her friends thinks she stinks, and you don’t have the opportunity to talk to her about it and make sure she knows you still love her.
As for telling her, I think validating her challenges with washing frequently will go a long way toward making her feel better. Washing and drying thick hair is a challenge, and can be damaging to the hair. So instead of “your scalp smells bad, please find a way to deal with it,” offer to help her figure out a solution better than “wash your hair every day.” Even better if you can connect it to a past experience you had with finding the best products for your hair.
The offer of a spa day is potentially good, but be upfront about the reason. It’s a way you’re helping her solve a problem, not some backdoor way to get her to go without being honest with her.
Tell her, she most likely has no clue and you would want to know if it were you.
I don’t know why but some people are into a thing where they don’t wash their hair often. They do other things to care for it, rinsing with some things that aren’t shampoo and brushing their hair daily. I really don’t know why or any of the details and not that interested in finding out, but you have to consider for some reason your friend is doing this on purpose. If that’s the case she may show resistance to your advice but if you cared you could look into this and maybe help her out with more info on the practice. If you’re interested search on the phrase “no poo” (meaning no shampoo).
This. Tell her directly.
Not this. First, it’s weird. But more importantly, this will make her think it’s based on a recent change, and will send her in all the wrong directions.
Also, if you present the options as “wash your hair every day or you will stink”, you are just going to make her miserable. Don’t do that.
I wash my hair about once a week. I try to get to it before the scalp smells much, and usually succeed. Every day is overkill for most long hair, and is bad for the hair as well as being an unreasonable amount of time spent grooming.
I also wonder if it’s something other than “not washing often enough” that is creating the odor. My BIL wore dreadlocks for more than a year, during which time he never washed his scalp, and he smelled fine. Your scalp adjusts how much oil it makes based on what it experiences. Maybe she should see a doctor. Maybe a different shampoo, or different method of shampooing, at the same frequency, would do the trick.
My friend Nancy came up with an effective, though not totally painless way of delivering bad news that someone needs to hear. I have used it with some success (not 100% success).
“Only your best friend would tell you this…” then deliver the news.
When you think of it, it’s kind of true. If you’re wearing something that truly does make you look hideous, or if your underwear is showing (and you don’t want it to), or if you have a pound of spinach stuck in your front teeth, or if your new perfume is vomit-inducing, a casual friend won’t tell you, but your best friend would. Casual friends will talk about the offending subject after you’ve left the room, but only your best friend will care enough, be brave enough, and like you enough to spare you the behind-the-back-eye-rolling and just straight-out tell you.
I would also want to know, no matter if the news was bad, humiliating, embarrassing, or even insulting. As long as it’s the truth, I want to know.
ETA:
Give this some consideration, too.
Not everyone needs to wash their hair everyday or every week. Some textures do better with a wash once a week or two.
What’s her ethnicity?
This thread reminds me of my mom and grandma. Back in the 60s, when bouffant hairdos were in style, women who wore them tried to prolong their 'do by not washing their hair and sleeping with protective hairnets. Yes, their heads didn’t smell too good after a week of this, plus the added smell of daily Aqua Net hairspray applications didn’t improve things.
You want this person to be killed?
Would that not go over well? I’d hate to go up to someone and say, “Ya know…you’ve been stinking for a while. A long while.”
I think they would be killed, and it would be ruled justifiable homicide.
If she smells, you should tell her. . . but, it’s probably not because she only washes her hair once every two weeks. I wouldn’t assume why she smells, I would just mention it if you think she smells.
Stale scalp oil does have a distinctive odor.