I wouldn’t say anything about how long, I’d just say that I’d noticed it. But if they asked for how long, I’d answer honestly. That might be “i don’t remember”, or it might be “ever since the pandemic”, or…
I mean, what possible good can come from making up some other amount of time. Or from pretending you only just now noticed.
I like the “only someone who really cares about you would say this” approach.
In general people don’t take kindly to these things.
I know my big Sister loves me. She’s here at the moment.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I knew I looked it. I even told someone I felt like ‘death’
She walked into Dialysis today and said “You look like hell!”
I nearly cried.
And she’s my sister who stepped up when our Mother died. Took care of me and sibs when she could of been being a kid herself. It still hurt.
Very understandable, but totally different. “You look like hell” isn’t something you could do anything about in your situation, so saying it was just cruel. Kindly saying that her hair sometimes smells is pointing out a solvable problem.
I think this is exactly how to go about telling her. She could have a scalp condition and need to see a dermatologist about it. Does she cut her own hair? I’d be surprised if a stylist hasn’t spoken to her about it.
I’m wondering how it can take 45 minutes to wash hair. Like how frizzy are we talking and how thick is it? And how long? Why doesn’t she cut it short? I’m tempted to suggest taking her to a salon with clientele whose hair texture is similar, even if she is not of the same ethnicity. Maybe she has never been taught how to care for her hair type.
The suggestions for bringing it up: @iiandyiiii and @ThelmaLou + 1 each
Perhaps not just the washing, but the drying, brushing, etc. My wife has long, thick hair, and dealing with her hair when she washes it takes close to a half-hour, including all of the additional washing-related activities.
Hey! Post #5.
Should I tell her or should I be cool
And if I tried I know she’d say I lied
Mind your business don’t hurt her you fool
“Silence is Golden” - The Four Seasons
Depends on how it’s delivered:
“You look like hell! Rough night? Are you feeling sick? Can I make you some coffee? Run some errands for you so you can get a little rest?”
verrsus
“You liook like hell!!!” (subtitle: you look like something I wouldn’t toss in the garbage for fear of scaring away the trash pickup crrew).
As far as hygiene: Someone could shower daily, without washing their hair - shower caps are quite useful for that. One of my college roommates, first Black person I’d ever really had much close-up dealings with, talked about how shampooing her hair was an every month or two kind of thing - due to the nature of her hair. I never noticed any issue with her hair smelling - and sharing a room with her, I’d have eventually noticed it.
And there’s also the “no 'poo” movement - which, despite my first interpretation of the term, does NOT refer to digestive blockages. Lots of stuff via Google about how to deal with potential odors related to that.
Now that my COVID hair is nearly waist length, washing it is much more of a hassle - not so much the washing - that just takes a minute or two longer to rinse it out - but combing it through afterward. I’ve actually got in the habit of just clipping it up, still wet, then combing it out later when it’s a little less sodden - for some reason, it’s easier to comb at that point. A 45 minute ordeal sounds like a bit much, but it definitely takes me 5 to 10 minutes to get it all detangled.
The friend might well have some kind of health condition that is leading to her smelly scalp, or if she exercises a lot, it might simply get smelly due to sweat. While I don’t know the best way to tell her that, I’d definitely go more for the “Hate to mention it, but I have noticed a bit of an odor on your scalp; I know it’s hard to tell when it’s your own body, hell last week I went running in the heat, came back home, and flies were dropping around me and a skunk spotted me, sniffed, and ran away, clearly thinking “Dude…you REEK!”. - but I didn’t notice my own funk”
There’s also the definition of “washing one’s hair” - does “not washing” it mean that water never touches the hair or that only water touches the hair or that other substances ( like vinegar or baking soda) are used instead of shampoo or that the hair is in braids that aren’t taken out so that the "massage shampoo into loose hair " technique isn’t used or …? Depending on what exactly the friend means by washing her hair every two weeks any odor may be unlikely to have anything to do with the infrequency of hair-washing.
I schedule about that much time – I almost always wash my hair in the evening for this reason. The actual washing doesn’t take very long, but it takes a long time to dry. I like to let it mostly dry before I comb it out, so I don’t go out or do anything much until it’s ready to comb.
You don’t even need a shower cap if you have a detachable shower head. When I’m showering without wanting to wash my hair, I just rinse and soap my body from the neck down, leaving out my head.
Tell her directly and nicely. Also, you need to wait until the next time she smells and just say it to her that day. Don’t mention that you’ve always smelled it and that it’s been a problem for a while. Just act as if it’s something you noticed just now and wanted to mention just now. It’s so much easier for someone to take that kind of comment. Also, if you notice it again, you can just mention it again. Eventually she will get it (if not right away). But she will feel more in control of it. She can change what you smell now and what you smell next. She can’t change what you smelled for the past year or whatever. That’s going to hurt her.
I used to work with a guy who had a bad case of BO and he wouldn’t use deodorant for some reason, like he didn’t even know the technology existed or that he needed it. I was hesitant to tell him about it for a very long time until I packaged it this way:
“Look man, I believe there are many open roads for you at the company. You are intelligent and ambitious, and you will go places and meet with really important people. And it matters that you are always your best, always ready to hit it, always ready to stand next to the best as an equal. To be there, there are certain things you can do, personal appearance wise, such as upping your suit game, getting new ties, getting a nice perfume and always using deodorant, because I tell you what, the other day someone told me I smell like shit. So be wary of that because it matters. Always shower in the morning and always use deodorant right after.”
Did he change?
Glad to say he did.
“Penny” is white (somebody asked upthread about ethnicity). She has a lot of hair but it is not tightly curled, in dreadlocks, or anything other than unruly.
Her health…Well, there are multiple issues here. She has a great job, plenty of money, no dependents, lives alone, owns the house, could retire at any time, etc. So it is not a financial issue.
Her doctor retired several years ago and Penny never got around to finding another one despite having insurance, so no health check ups for quite a while. She was putting on weight before Covid and then put on 30 more lbs., eats everything, gets no exercise unless she has to walk somewhere, sits a lot. So no locker room funk.
She is also, admittedly, a compulsive hoarder, and the house is a disaster. I am sure that is not helping with the smell. I have not been in it since 2002 and am afraid to see what the house looks like now.
Her clothes don’t fit well and she wears them for years until they are literally falling apart before she will get rid of them.
If her colleagues at the major company (known globally) had any idea of what her life is really like, they would not believe it.
No disrespect intended but Penny is a slob, knows it and couldn’t care less. Accept her as she is or disassociate with her. Your only options, IMHO. Any attempts to “clean her up” will be considered an insult.
I am not a psychologist and have never played one on TV, but what you have described has so many warning signs of serious mental illness.
I really hope she gets the help she needs.
Yeah, this is a LOT more complex issue than “she doesn’t wash her hair often enough.”
She knows.