What everyone else is saying. Don’t do it. I was in a similar situation when I was 20 with a 15 year old girl who literally “wanted my nuts” but I had to turn that offer down. Don’t get me wrong, this girl was very matured, mentally and phsyically, and her parents were loaded, but there was just no way I could go any further with it. It wasn’t that I was worried about legal matters or my reputation. It was that I’d feel like a total douche bag for picking up a 15 year old. Even if no-one knew about it. It would have just stuck in my mind the rest of my life. I knew it was wrong, so I of course passed on it…
Bull. They may have grownup parts, but they have 16 year old minds. They are kids. I have a seventeen year old daughter. I have a house full of teenagers on any given day. There is no way in hell that anyone could mistake them for adults, if they just, oh I don’t know, *talked *to them for a minute.
And there may be nothing wrong with finding them physically attractive, but IMO there’s a problem with finding them emotionally or intellectually attractive. And the moment you start seriously considering dating a child, that’s a problem.
I stand by my question. What the hell would have to be wrong with you for you to think a 16 year old is a suitable romantic partner?
Of course they are. They are not, however, *little *kids, as you called them previously. I have a 3 year old. She’s a little kid. I also have a 15 year old, he’s a kid. You chose the modifier to make the OP sound like a creep, I expect.
I would be pretty pissed if a 26 year old woman seduced my son. I’d be wrathful if a 14 year old seduced my daughter. They’re both kids, but the offense of falling in love with them is not the same, even given the same age gap.
I have a good friend who started dating a girl when he was 25 and she was 16. They’ve been married now for 15 years - are very happy. For the first two years they “hung out” knowing that physical intimacy would have to wait until she was legal. In some ways, that may have been the foundation for a great marriage.
That doesn’t mean its all happy endings…my brother in law tried nearly the same age spread. She turned eighteen and they lived together for about a year - but she went different directions than he did. Nice girl - very mature for her age…
There are some caveats to this - YOU need to be mature enough to sit on your hands for a few years and give her space to grow up. YOU need to not be frightened when a mature sixteen year old laps you by the time she is 21 (my friend’s wife sure did - and he cheered and supported her all the way). YOU also need to be willing to let her be immature - should she decide to - since another thing that happens with very mature for their age teens is that they decide to have an adolescence when they are 22 (which drove another friend from his ‘child bride’ - he was 32 and ready to settle down, she looked around and said “I’ve never really been a kid - bye, I’m going out drinking and sleeping around for a few years.”)
That’s a pretty big question. How would you feel about introducing 16 year old girlfriend to other people - your friends, your colleagues, your family…?
J. is my friend. When she was 17 she was dating M., who was about 22 at the time. He had work friends over for dinner and spent the whole night being undeservedly snarky and cruel to J., who had no idea why he was being such an ass. She hadn’t done anything wrong; M. just found himself acutely aware of her age that night and took his embarrassment out on her (which I guess says a lot for his maturity too, but we’ll leave that bit for now).
M.'s friends were talking about honeymooning in Bali, buying their first homes, renovations, new cars, changing careers or getting promotions… the usual sort of thing. J. on the other hand was looking forward to graduating high school, getting her license (you’ve got to be 18 here), getting her first job, being old enough to drink, and moving out of her parent’s home.
M. must felt that his peers thought less of him after meeting his teenage girlfriend and later that night he broke off their relationship. J. was devastated, particularly when he accused her of being immature - she wasn’t immature (quite the contrary), she was simply living the life of a 17 year old girl and not a 20-something like his friends. It took her many years to see that her behavior that night was not the problem, it was the way M. perceived his friends reacting to her age and his embarrassment about it that made him lash out and blame her.
While I agree the OP should stay away, let’s make sure we’re not throwing around legalities when we don’t know the truth. Unless we know where the OP is, and what the specific laws are there, we don’t know if it’s illegal or not. If the OP is in Canada, for instance, it’s perfectly legal, unless a state of authority exists between the two (e.g. teacher and student) and blah blah blah.
It’s a terrible idea for lots of reasons before you get to legalities.
As to the OP, no, don’t do it. There’s nothing wrong with finding a 16-year-old girl attractive, because a lot of them ARE attractive. Beautiful, in fact. But lots of things are attractive and stupid to get mixed up in.
If you really think you like her, spend time with her. But DO NOT let yourself get carried away with this. Plan some very benign activities where you can spend time around other people, do a lot of talking, etc. Go to a sporting event, or a museum, or something. Don’t plan a midnight cruise on a private yacht. Don’t put either of you in an awkward situation of being tempted to do things that are possibly illegal and definitely quiestionable, if nothing else.
A LOT of teenage kids, especially at 16 and older, ACT mature. They are learning to be adults. This means she is being taught well how to behave like a mature adult. This DOES NOT MEAN she actually IS a mature adult. You have a good ten years of experiencing adult situations under your belt. Ten years ago she was probably in kindergarten… DO NOT let her ability to act maturely fool you. It isn’t the same.
I worked with a girl around the time we were both 20 and she was living with a guy who was 30. They met when she was 13, at a wedding where she was related the groom and he was related to the bride. So, they were in-laws basically. They saw each other off and on over the years and around the time she was 15-16 they ended up making out on family vacation. (!!) He was mortified at his own behavior and refused to speak with her or attend any event where she would be for close to a year. Finally he confessed to her that he was in love with her. They got to know each other, didn’t sleep together while she was still in high school, her mom was very involved the whole time. They got married a few years later and are very happy with two kids. I don’t necessarily think either of them is deviant in any way. Now, I’m not saying that was a perfect scenario, and I’m not suggesting that it would be the right thing for you to do. But it can work out if it is supposed to. But, please, whatever you do, don’t rush in to anything.
My sister was a 16 year old college freshman. Make what you will of her maturity level by her being in college at age 16. She and one of her professors, age 35 at the time, fell in love and got married slightly before she turned 17. This was in Florida, so my mom had to sign off on it.
Clearly, this was a disaster because their marriage only lasted 22 years.
I don’t think we can sit here and criticize when we don’t know the individuals involved. The Age of Consent may very well be 16 or lower where the OP lives. If he doesn’t give her any alcohol or drugs he’s probably legally in the clear.
I’m not going to say that it’s right to sleep with teenage girls at 27, but in Maryland 16 is legal with no age restrictions. (Not by experience… I saw a news article)
This. I teach high school students. I’m the cool teacher who spends a lot of time with my kids–they hang out in my room before and after school, we play cards in the summer and on the weekends, they email and text me whenever anything meaningful happens in their lives. I know teenagers. One of my best friends is a former student. I know, better than most, that teenagers can be amazingly mature. But here’s the deal: they mature at different rates.
For example, look at a yearbook of 7th-9th grade girls, or 9-10th grade boys. They look weird. What’s going on, if you compare it to later pictures of the same kids, is that their faces and bodies are growing, but not at the same time: their cheekbones and shoulders and noses and ears all have their own schedule, and the combinations are awkward. After a while–by 16-18 for girls–this all evens out and they look like the adults they are growing into.
The exact same thing goes on with their judgment/maturity. They will be so mature in some areas and then show a complete lack of understanding/insight/reason in others. Until you work with teenagers a long time, this always comes as a surprise, because with an adult, maturity/good judgment in some things strongly implies maturity/good judgment in others. Not so with teens.
You can’t understand how strong the contrast is about the unevenness of their judgment until you are sitting at the bail bonds place bailing out a validictorian. But I swear that sort of thing is normal.
The reason why this matters is that a sudden collapse of judgment on her part is likely to lead to a lot of pain and suffering on both your parts–be it casualness towards birth control, lack of discretion about anything you may tell her (or allow her) in confidence, or dishonesty/lack of awareness about her own feelings.
I had a friend of mine who dated a high school girl. We used to make fun of him mercilessly. At that was when we were juniors in college and she was a senior in HS.
Unless you want to ensure that this girl has a very successful career as a striper, I suggest backing off.
Mr. S and I were borderline; we became a couple when I was 21 and he was 32. So technically by the rule of thumb I should have been 23. But when I was 21 I was a year away from finishing college; when I was 16 I was a complete twit.
Wait till she’s legal and see if there’s mutual interest then. But until then, hands off!
Christ, people. It’s not like he’s trying to date a 7-year-old. :rolleyes: Chill out. Were you a “little kid” at 16, DianaG?
FreeJooky, if you really like this girl, keep in touch with her for the next two years as friends. When she turns 18, you two are free to do whatever you please.
Now would everyone please stop treating the OP like he’s some creepy molester guy?
Actually most states don’t. I am not interested enough to go into full research mode but a cursory look shows about 7 states have the age of consent as 18. Of course it varies and there may be some differences that you would have to look more closely at depending on where you are.
Lets not turn a bad idea with a crime. It ruins your argument.
I’ve been scrolling through this thread waiting to see if anybody pointed this out before me, so I’m going to just jump in and brand myself as a paraiah.
Okay to date her? Sure! No problem.
Sex? Maybe, maybe not. We don’t know what’s legal in the OP’s jurisdiction. My sister-in-law got married at 16. Perfectly legal.
Age difference? NONE OF OUR DAMN BUSINESS.
Immature blah blah life experience… are you people really saying that 16-year-olds shouldn’t DATE? That they need to wait until they’re at least in their 20’s before they start dating, so they have time to develop emotionally? That there’s something magically heinous about 27-year-olds which makes them emotionally scar any teenagers they get close to?
Disclaimer - I dated a 24 year old guy when I was 16. No sex. He was a nice guy. I wasn’t emotionally stunted by the experience. I had a harder time with the guys my age who hadn’t reached the “respect women” point in their lives yet, wanted sex when I wasn’t ready to put out, and dumped me because of that - thats different than this guy who was extraordinarily patient (and who I dumped for one of those disrespectful - but far cooler - boys my own age).
This is exactly what I was thinking. I’d bet my life that she is in no way as mature as she might have seemed from one or two conversations.
It was when I was in HS, too. Times have changed a bit for 16-year-olds, I think, but they haven’t for 27-year-olds. When I was in HS, I think it was pretty normal for 27-year-olds to have sex with their bf/gf, and it still is. So what you have is a 16-year-old who lives in fast times, and a 27-year-old who is asking an awful lot of himself to give up the idea of having sex with his girlfriend for a few years. I wouldn’t be even a tiny bit surprised if that all adds up to them not having the willpower not to.
Most of this has been said, and I don’t want this to seem like part of a pile-on, but here it goes…
However mature the 16 y.o. really is, she will not be the same person in five or ten years. Beyond age of consent laws, people don’t care much about, say, a 27 y.o. and a 37 y.o. dating because, while they may be at different points in their lives, they are both legal adults and likely out of school. Between 16 and 27 you are likely to have sex for the first time, continue going through puberty, go to prom, graduate high school, gain 20 lbs, get a dinky summer job, choose a college, go to frosh week, attend protest rallies and keggers, cram for exams, start a career, maybe get a master’s… In short, you become who you will be for the rest of your life. Which of these activities will the OP be taking part in? And how can he be sure his girlfriend will be coming into her own rather than being shaped by his 10+ years of experience?
Teenage girl, older guy? Not a new phenomenon (though one might argue that seeing a relationship as a pairing of equals is, and it’s something that likely works better between people closer in age). As a teen I had friends who went out with much older guys, but even then I had to burst the ‘I’m just so mature’ bubble and ask my friends ‘What’s wrong with him?’ The OP’s friends won’t be the only ones teasing. He might also want to consider (if he can even stand to read through this thread) the women he might end up dating should the theoretical relationship in question not work out. Revealing to a prospective partner that your last girlfriend still attended school dances or got detention? Not that attractive.